If only you can feel.....

Dont know what happened all of a sudden. The first thing i did was to run and check for my friends - were they ok ..... But they were nowhere to be seen. Hopefully they found a safe place somewhere. I was still in the open and the noises were becoming more fearsome. The explosions and the flashes of lights everywhere. There was smoke everywhere as i tried to search for a place for myself - where i would be safe. The thunder showing no sign of abating. Nothing was making sense as i ran from street to street. But everywhere it was the same. The blasts - the smoke. The birds had flown away - lucky they has wings. I felt even the trees were trying to run away but in vain - they did not have a choice but suffer.
I found myself a small hole where i thought i will be safe and sat there the entire night hoping that these explosions will stop and i will be able to live another day. I never was able to understand what happened that night. But the memories scare the hell out of me.
I can think of no justifiable reason why were they doing this. They had gone mad.

- diary entry of a Dog on a Diwali night (Indian festival in which a lot of crackers are burst).

PS : i had written such a post earlier but somehow it got deleted. But the relevance of the message at this time around made me write it again.

If you are reading this - i believe you are educated enough to understand. And if still you donot take any actions - you know why the environment is going down the drains.

Maybe this helps .....

Some human tendencies i fail to understand :

1) I am stressed - Let me burn a hole in my lungs, destroy my immune system and then top it up with filling myself with toxins(tar) that can never be removed - Maybe doing this will help.

2) I am sad - Let me punch my kidney and liver so that they get a shock. Lose control of my nerves. Create a mess for me and those around me - Maybe doing this will help.

3) I am happy (because a thousands of years ago - the king Ayodhya - 'RAM' returned from exile) - Let me make my surroundings uninhabitable for all the birds and animals, let me create so much noise that even the birds sleeping in their nests miles away get terrified, the air around me be filled with obnoxious gases - which causes problems for me too - Maybe this will please the lord.

4) I am hurt(emotionally) - Let me throw it all around me, on my loved ones. Make them feel the hurt too - Maybe it will ease my pain.

PS 1) Smoking kills ..... if thats the solution to your stress then - all the best.

PS 2) Drinking distracts - solves nothing while destroying something. If a few moments of distraction from situation helps then - all the best. Though it does help to get into a good mood when with friends and you have celebration in your mind. But doesnt solve any problem at all.

PS 3) Have no idea what is acheived by puffing thousands of rupees into air in a short while and at the same time creating worst kinds of pollution. Amazing what we can find amusements in - worst, its done under the pretext of religion.

PS 4) In times when we take it all out on the ones near to us. Mostly they are not at fault. But for that period of time the universe is your enemy.

I have done these things. I have puffed cigarretes like nobody's business. I know the kick that one gets from it - but really its not worth the price we pay for it.

I have drank like a tanker - but at the end of the day i had to face all my problems head on. No alcohol helped me then. Only 'I' was with me.

I have burst crackers a lot in my childhood - but i saw a dog walking on the streets on diwali night. Man was he in hell. I failed to see the point anymore.

I shouted at my friends - not their faults - but i was in a bad mood because i had lost. Oh yeah - the capacity to hurt is directly proportional to the amout of hurt in me.

All of us get stressed, sad, happy, angry - thats normal. But what we do about it makes us a better or worse person.

Peer Pressure

The joke was cracked and the whole group was laughing. Though it didnt reach to me as a joke so i refrained from joining. But there was this urge - a huge impelling force which wanted to laugh out with my friends around me. This was my first time realisation of peer pressure.

Had been through it so many times but did not realise the dynamics of what was happening. Most of the times i would join the crowd. Or even in abstinence have the urge to do that. But more often than not - i would be going into the - 'Not wanted by me' territory. And the only reason for me would be - 'Hey they are my friends all are there - i too should'. Fear of falling out maybe or of getting distanced away.

But having been so close with my friends for pretty long time now that fear was no longer there. We understood each other - and there was no scope of distancing. Without that fear now - and so was not laughing.

So earlier was that the 'fear', that used to join in with the group. Now that i know this - i understand a bit better how peer pressure works for me. And am ready to take a stand now.

The effect of me not joining in was - they all stopped midway - wondering and looking at me. Like i was an alien - but i differed in opinion. Then i was the 'joke' for a while. And it died down in a few minutes. Thats that.

Though this was just about the joke - it happends in so many other places. There are times we donot speak up because so as to not see the looks of the people's eyes. There are times we donot question (typical Indian tendency) wondering what the rest of the class will think. There are times we donot reach out - when it is not what our companions would have done. I guess its time for me to stop. Stop considering what 'THEY' will think and do what 'I' think is right.

Think --- Choose --- Decide --- Act.

PS :- Something inadvertently we involve into due to peer pressure - smoking, drinks, corruption, not questioning, change opinion (just to be in vogue), must be many others. But nothing beats being 'YOURSELF'.

Justified ---- yes

I am amazed at our capacity to justify things on the bases of that 'WE' need it. Then we take it as an assumption that we need it - and then that what we do is so correct. And after doing this for a long long time it becomes a natural tendency. But never do we sit down to think and reason do we need it?

Everything we are doing - apart from sleeping and eating - is so out of place - so unnatural. I eat food that grows - but i no longer pursue food - i pursue some scraps of thin sheet like cut into uniform shapes with faces on them - well i cant eat it though - but now i can exchange it for food. A stupid barrier i feel between me and the food which grew and was there to be eaten.

I travel miles everyday - in order to get these scraps - for convenience we will call them duffs - to travel that distance i use vehicles - these things through out a lot of disgusting stuff everywhere around me. But then to drive them i need flat spaces as they cannot be used on natural places - so i cover the earth with a thick black sheet preventing the soil beneath from ever receiving the sunlight - and destroying the complete life cycle of the life underneath.
Well i dont see it - so why should i care?? Its justified - 'I' need it.

There is another queer thing i use all through my existence - its a form of energy i have come to be so dependent on now that i cannot imagine a life without it. Dependence is the key to the survival of the ecosystem - but it has to be a cycle. So i was talking about this energy i use all day long in almost everything i do - but to get it - build huge huge walls which stop the natural flow of water, destroys the soil cycle - submerges forests - weakens the earth structures and in other place i burn stuff, a lots lots of it , causing unprecedented levels of hazardous substances into the environment- hey but its justified - 'I' need it.

Coming back to the duffs - these have come to play a major role in my life - though despise the institution they have created - but i am bound by it - all , absolutely all decisions i have to make in my life revolve around it - why the hell..... i hate it for that - first of all it was never there in the first place - somewhere back in time i created it myself (for reasons unjustifiable to me). And now i am a slave of it - something that was never required in the first place. Wars are fought - people cheat - lie - kill - forgets themselves - disregards other's feelings for this - and but at the end of the day - its justified - because - 'I' need it.

Nature had created everything for us that was (actually) needed. But we desired more more more more - most of the things we say we need are extra desires. And we are ready to pay any price for it. Even if it means to make earth uninhabitable - hey but its justified - 'I' need it.

PS :- yes there are those trying to change things - and i am with them with all my efforts - but the average levels of ego and attention to one self rather than the bigger picture it too glaring and rampant. Lets make a difference in the capacity we can. And we often underestimate our capacity.

I want the tree in my courtyard to be happy that i live around it. :)

And he still wanted the pie .....

You just wont stop would you. You always come back at me - again again again and again. But now i have started to enjoy. I am understanding the rules. Trying to score a point if i may try. :) i am gaining ground - real slowly but steadily.
Everytime i have stood up with confidence you threw a harder blow at me. After going through it so many times i know now that i was fighting towards the wrong thing. I learnt it the hard way.
All the while i was trying to protect myself from you - always on the defensive - but i realised no matter what i do - you will get to me. oooh yes ! i know you have ways to do that. So instead i am starting to enjoy this funny thing going on between us. This duel maybe but actually now it is more of fun than a problem.
But now i accept - you will be there throwing all those problems at me and i have to just keep taking them up one at a time. Do the best i can. Thats all.
Success --- Failure :: dont seem to be the point because i succeed or fail you will keep sending them at me. So i am just learning to enjoy the process. And i know one thing for sure - there is no better way than to fight with all my might. And man it does feel good to do it....
'Life' i have found a comfortable place to be with you now - and i am loving it.
With all the troubles you have to offer - seem insignificant to the joy you give. You will wait for me - To break or smile? - Is entirely my option.

Found IT .......

Been searching for it for a long time now.
It has made all of what i am.
It gives me the power to do what i do.
It has made everything that has happened in my life possible.
It made me happy.
It made me sad.
It gave me pleasure.
It hurt me bad.
It was always there with my good and the bad.
Maybe it was waiting for me to find it....
Maybe .... but it made no efforts ... it was only I who was searching.


With hazy vision.... unable to see clearly through the thick fog that was always surrounding me.
The light i could see but the source was hidden.
But i moved ahead in the direction i thought was best.
Bumped into a dead end ..... dissappointed.
Dont know why but needlessly waited there for a long time.
WHY???
Then just took another direction - knowing i was moving towards it - one wrong option was eliminated now ....
The haze cleared a bit i think - or was it just my own imagination.



In a distance then i could see
just the outline maybe
very much like me.....
My pace quickened - with expectations
though the source still undiscernable.
Every motion towards it made it more difficult to see
The clouds of fog around me thickening
I could have stopped - for i knew not what was to gain from this quest.
I could have stopped - for i knew not why i should go through all this pain.
But nothing made sense till i found it.


The wish for it was the only thing that was guiding me now.
The clouds had decided not to obstruct me now but their remnant remained. Still fogging my vision.
I moved closer to it.
The features were clearer now - the eyes, the legs, the arms, the face ... but still hazy.
I reached out to it and in the flash of the moment it also moved and reached out to me.
We were moving closer to each other now. Our hands just about to touch now and my hand hit something.
My hand had hit into a mirror - and the 'IT' was 'ME' ..........

PS :- The search for myself continues ...................

We dont fight fair .......

"Praise the lord" - really ..??????
Heard this thing too many times too many places. Before you make up you mind - no i am not athiest. I am pure thiest. But that is not the point of discussion i would like to bring up at this moment.

For those athiest who are reading - would you please atleast for the sake of the argument present here - take my word for it and believe there is this huge omnipresent power that controls all that is happening in the universe.

Now that all those reading agree that god is there. Does any one seriously think that the power that controls the whole universe wants to hear its own praise - considering that the power is beyond most of the human ken and that there is no doubt that there must be higher echelons of perception which the human brains cannot comprehend. In short - GOD IS NOT SO SELF INVOLVED TO GET HAPPY WHEN YOU SING ITS GLORY.

That is just a human tendency - to find pleasure in selfish motives.

This is one reason i never say - 'God is great'. Though i believe in it - but there is no means that i will please it by reminding it that. Flattery wont work on that power :P.

Am i against devotion - No again no - i fully accept that singing hymns - verses - shlokas - performing rituals is a great way for expression of devotion. What i am against is the thought that god will be happier (on me or in general) when i do those things.

The same goes to a lot of other things which we do in expectation to please that power. Ulteriorly so that it solves our problems ............... WONT WORK.

PS :- Used god as a neutral gender - couldnt make up he or she - nevertheless i believe it is beyond those distinctions.

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Disclaimer : Apologies to 'vaidehipatil' from whose blog the original picture has been taken...
http://vaidehipatil.wordpress.com/2009/09/01/maximus/