Monday, December 28, 2009

New Guitar

It was a new start
My new guitar and me
On the first day we met it said
-"You cant handle me"
With a smirk on its face and twist in its string
It was mocking
It was laughing

I tried to play
The first few times
I could hear it say
- "Ok kid try it your way"
with air of superiority
and a sadistic smile
it just gigled
while i was trying

I tried hard - hurt my fingers
The thought of giving up lingered
But I was enjoying the game
I knew the guitar felt the same
But still far from audible
It was only decibel
But a little better that yesterday
that was my consolation of the day

Days passed and i got better
String by string and chord by chord
The guitar lesser of an enemy more of a friend
And as i practiced i think it said
"You doing well - better than before
The days that passed was a test
and i can see you are doing your best
But still a long way to go
but now we are in it - TOGETHER ......... "

Its the same
In every game
especially the one called life
It tests you till it finds you worthy
before you get anything
If you break before the test is over
ITS OVER ......
Never give up :)

Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Thank you?? ..... God

'We thank you god for the world so sweet
We thank you god for the food we eat
We thank you god for the birds that sing
We thank you god for everything ....... Amen'

Those who have studied in my school might be very familiar with this. And for others - this was the prayer we had to say at the end of the school hours, before leaving. Thanking god seems to be a very important thing. I have heard, read and seen a million times everywhere - "We must be thankful for everything". I certainly believe in being thankful but i have a lot of objection with excessive expression of this fact - and specifically to god.

See if you have a very very dear person - say a close friend, a younger brother/sister, lover, relative -- anyone. And you do something for them - dont you feel a bit annoyed when they thank you for what you have done. It seems ok from a stranger but not from a close person.

Its like - 'Hey, i didnt do it for a "thank you", i just did it to see you smile.'

Now if a lowly human with simple feelings can feel this way. Then tell me how the supreme being (so to say) would feel. How would a mother feel if her children kept thanking her - wont she feel cloyed.

I used to thank god a lot for everything - even the troubles. But then i realised it must be getting pissed - because i believe that we are all very very close to god. Knowingly or unknowingly. That energy/power (whatever it may be) loves us all - basically we are all part of it. So then why the 'thank you'.

I am not being thankless or taking things for granted. I am just not expressing it - instead i smile with gratitude for anything given to me - joy or pain. I am thankful - but am going to be happy instead of expressing it.

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Good or Bad ..... Neither

Lately for me the lines between the 'GOOD' abd the 'BAD' are becoming hazier and hazier. I wonder when did good - bad / right - wrong came into picture. Was it always there as an inherent part of everything or did it have a beginning. What we consider good/right/correct now - it sounds a very appropriate means of labelling activities that we perform - but by the meaning of good - is it good?

Here i am trying to say that good and bad are very efficient classifiers of action into two groups - one desirable and other undesirable. But does the meaning of the word good and bad has to do anything with it.

If this separation existed always - then it should have been there even before life began - but then consider the following -

1) Earthquake - destroys geography of entire planet - no life -> good? or bad?
2) Comet collide with planet -> huge destruction??

[sorry for poor imagination - this is all i could think in a world without life]

Then when life began - the first set of molecules that coalesced to exist as life.
They had their cycles - good? or bad?
Some of them started to feed on other microbes - one bacteria eating other - good? or bad?

After a little evolution - larger creatures - feeding on each other - so were carnivorous creatures good? or bad?

When i think about this i feel the good and bad never existed - it came into being not when the first man was murdered - but when someone wanted to take a revenge. In the name of punishing the other - his activities were called 'BAD'. Down the line just like the society things kept getting complicated and complicated - but the basic confusion that i face is - is the 'GOOD' really good? i am sure i want it. And then i see the stricking overlap between what 'I WANT' and what i consider 'GOOD' for me.

Oh the weather is 'BAD' today - its giving me allergies? Can the weather be bad?? its a cycle - neutral.

Then we come to complicated issues like - arent terrorists bad? as a label to distinguish their activities from mine - yes 'BAD' but not bad in its meaning. Yeah so they kill for what they believe - what is new dont we do the same - maybe not humans - but a life is a life. But in their heads they have a reason which is strong enough for them to act this way.

I would try my best to kill a terrorist before he kills others - but does it mean i am doing a 'GOOD' thing - i doubt that. Its like there is a heads to the coin and tails to the coin - thats it. His activites and mine were opposing - he wanted to kill - i did not want him to do that - we have conflict - the stronger wins. Nothing inherently good in what i did and nothing bad what he did. But to label the activities, yes, 'GOOD' and 'BAD' serve the purpose.

What i am suggesting is that good and bad dont exist. Its just activities - i chose to do things in one way - someone else in another - if we are opposing each other - there is clash - i take stand for what i believe - he does the same for himself. We use force - physical or intellectual and try to prove the other wrong. THATS IT. I am not doing any 'GOOD' nor is he doing any 'BAD'. These are just labels.

Monday, December 14, 2009

'do you have gf ...... so pls give me' - what nerve

So here i just put up a broadcast on IMO for searching one of my old school friend - Sanjay Raghavan and i got this friend request from meddy344 (no idea who), he saw the broadcast and so replied. K well i thought i have some lead so as to where Sanjay is ----- but no - SURPRISE - just when i thought i could expect the craziest stuff - this guy just proved me wrong.

me: hello
meddy344: hi
how are you?
me: do i know you?
i am fine
meddy344: no u don't knw me
where ru frm?
me: i am from Nagpur - did you read my broadcast??
[Ok chat starts - general - who and how etc..... normal]

meddy344: yes
me: so where are you from
meddy344: m from gujrat
me: you have any idea about sanjay
[Now since he read my broadcast - i expect he knows something to tell me .......hah! my wish]

meddy344: but can you tell me asl pls?
[Why the hell ....... wierd, couldnt understand how it was relevant in this context - but still i humoured his request]

me: 24 - M
what abt you?
[I had to ask back ... right]

meddy344: oh what a co-incidence
m also 24m
and m marathi
and u
me: me too
[Kool good till now - he is not the first stranger who i chatted while searching for Sanjay - the the whacky guy starts off now ....... ]

meddy344: so do you have any marathi girls ID
i need your help[
me: sorry cant help with that
[Yeah what am i - online dating service???]

meddy344: it's o
do you have gf
so pls give me
[WHAT WAS HE THINKING - and whatever he meant by 'so pls give me'??? such an ASS]

me: dude u need to grow up by now
meddy344: m boring now
take car
[And now he is 'boring'???]

me: u too
meddy344: can u delete my id
me: sure
[Good Riddance]

PS : This happened really - word to word. There sure are whacky people out there and i am sure this guy is just the tip of the iceberg.

PS2 : No hard feelings meddy344. If you are disturbed by this post please leave a comment. [:s/meddy344/xyz/g]

Sunday, December 13, 2009

Worth it ..... yeah :)

Cost of bus to Nimhans hospital - 7 Rs or on a bike (40Kmpl) - 3 Rs
Cost of return on bus to office - 7 Rs or on a bike (40Kmpl) - 3 Rs

Human effort
- 20 mins standing/sitting/driving
- 15 minutes lying down
- mass loss 150 gms

Returns :
1 Certificate (Not important)
1 fruit juice (yeah right)
4 biscuits (are you kidding me)
1 human LIFE - infinite value
Satisfaction - infinite value

There are things worth the effort - like the smile on that stranger's face whose wife was going to be operated ........... and the smile on my face .... too :)

The Smiles - VII

A few months later .............................

'What will you have dear?'

'Get a cappuccino for me.....'

'Back in a minute.'

Jef walked up to the counter. He was in a very good mood today for no particular reason. As he walked up to the counter he saw a familiar face. It was his old friend who had advised him to go to the memory surgeon. Jef was delighted to meet him.

'Hey Jef how have you been? You look great man.'

'Ya man - things have turned just perfectly for me. Come here i want you to meet someone.'

Jef took his friend up to his table.

'Dear i want you to meet my friend - you know the one i told you about. He was the first to ask me to go to the surgeon.'

'Oh so nice to meet you. Jef is so so greatful to you and so am I. Thank you for all that you did. I would have never met such a wonderful person if it was not for you.'

'So Jef you finally did choose to do the operation?'

'Yes and no.......'

'What is that supposed to mean?'

'Well i did go to get that operation done. I had even finalized it but at the last moment I didnt go through with it. Everything was set i was in the machine they had made to do memory surgeries. You know thats one hell of a ride. It like looking into your own head. When they started the operation all memories came in from of me. Everything i have in this brain was in front. It was amazing. I saw things in my memories right from my childhood - my childhood friends - my school - college - my time with her everything was like moving pictures in front of me.

I saw her at times when we were together. When we fought - her smile, her laugh, her look saying 'how could you', her look saying 'i need you', her disappointment, her excitement, her dreams that she shared with me, the time we spent together. Everything was there you know - everything everything. Tears started to come out of my eyes - those were not sad ones - but happy ones. Of seeing her again. And then i thought - i havent lost her at all - she is here - closer than ever before. It was only my stupidity that i had lost her from my thoughts. There was absolutely no reason for me to be sad - it was just my foolishness that i was unaware of till that moment.

I realized it would be stupidity if i let this go. It was only how i associated with it. And i was happier than ever before at that moment. There was no need for that operation.

Another thing i realised is love is not at all about wanting the person - its a strange feeling of enormous happiness when you see the other person smile. There were no bonds there - no constrains. My relation with her was re-invented at that moment. There was no scope of sadness in there now. I was at peace. And she was always around me. There were no conditions - no illusions - just happiness.

I would have never reached there if i had not gone to the doctor. And i would have never gone to the doctor - if you hadnt coaxed me to. So thank you so so so much.'

The three of them were smiling at each other. The smile that is full of contention and satisfaction - a happy friend - a lovely companion and few great memories - Jef couldnt ask for a happier life :)


Saturday, December 12, 2009

The Decision - VI

Jef was again waiting for his turn in the clinic next day. He had made his decision. He was going to go for the operation. He spent his time wondering what it would be like. There were some forms to be filled, declarations to be signed and some tests of fitness to be given. After going through all those he was ready and the doctor came up to give him the instruction about how they would go about doing the operation. The doctor spoke -

During the operation Mr.Jef you will be lying in this (he indicated towards a machine in the room through a glass window) and we will talk to you through every step of it. You just need to relax. You will get memories one after the other as we will activate the nerves in your brain. You will have to tell us which is the part you would like to be removed. Its that simple - just to be sure we will reinvoke the connection so that you can be sure of what you are about to remove. The responsibility is yours Mr.Jef - Lets get the sadness out of your head shall we.....

The machine was like a MRI scanning machine and he was going to sleep in a some sort of tunnel. The nurse came and gave a small pill to Jef.

What was this for?

Oh - its just a soothing agent - so that you are relaxed in the process, thats all.

It was time Jef lied on the platform and it got inserted into the tunnel. He could hear the voice of the doctor clearly and he was making sure Jef is comfortable at each and every step.

Jef close your eyes - now all you need to see is in your own head so you dont need to look around. Just relax.... take normal breath. If at any moment you feel uncomfortable we will pause. Dont hesitate at all.

Jef closed his eyes - surprisingly it was not dark - instead it was bright white light that he was experiencing. It seemed to stretch infinitely everywhere. Then suddenly he saw moving pictures cropping out of nowhere - drawn on nothing - just floating around him. And there were trillions like those filling up the whole space. The were like everything he had in his memories was in front of him.

The doctor spoke -

Jef could you please think about her now........

The scene in front of Jef began to change; there were prominent pictures of her around him.

Do you see her Jef?


So Jef..... all your troubles are just about to end.

Friday, December 11, 2009

The Answer - V

The doctor without any hesitation looked into the Jef's eyes and said in a very calm and assuring voice.

'I know exactly what are you feeling. But tell me does she remember you?'

Jef was silent. His confused mind had already given up the fight for reason - he just wanted answers - no questions.
The doctor spoke to explain :

'You see Jef - you cannot remember anything if you dont have a brain. And where she is right now - she is beyond the realms of physical existence. She is not attached with memories or ideas or pain. These are traits of the brain - the cells. She is at peace where she is - in perfect state. If you believe the concept of soul then you will know. Even if not - still the argument stands.
Even all this pain you are feeling is just a part of reactions of your brain. The chemicals in the head - bombarding the connection which has become predominant. All i am offering is to bring your own head into control so that you can lead a happy life.'

Jef thought 'happy life' - its had been a while since he had felt that. Its been long since he smiled at the mirror - happy to see the face it in. It been so long when he laughed openly. And he wanted it so bad - he knew that - there was no doubt in his head about this atleast.

The doctor's argument was very rational and logical. He thought - there is nothing wrong in this. I am not abandoning her. How can i abandon her when she is not there at all?

Jef affirmation to go through the procedure was increasing and he was already feeling better a bit. He left the room after tellling the doctor he needed some time to think about this.

Jef walked alone on the road - unmindful of where he was going - that didnt matter to him either ways. He thought of what his friend had told him - "She would want you to be happy" - and then the doctor - "just a connection..." -- "reaction of brain" -- "only cells". He closed his eyes and tried to talk to her. With a hint of guilt he asked her what he should do. And in his imagination her voice spoke

"Be Happy"

Jef opened his eyes and knew what he was going to do now.

Thursday, December 10, 2009

The Question - IV

The lady was back reading into her magazine even before Jef turned back to her. So he got up and started following the lady who had called him. He was lost and in no position to understand too much. He just wanted to hear something that would calm him down - but at this moment he had no idea what it would be. Was he in the right place? Is this the right thing to do? Whats wrong with this? Anita is better off? So will i be too? What is going on?

As Jef was bombarding himself with torrent of questions - they reached a door. The lady entered and asked Jef to follow. The room was nothing like a doctor's room that Jef had ever seen. It was dim - not much illuminated. Something was calm about the ambience in the room. Jef felt relaxed for some reason. There was very comfortable sofa seats present in the centre of the room. There were plants and flowers all around. The scent of the flowers was very soothing. Jef took one of the seats on the sofa and in a few minutes the doctor entered the room and after a customary greeting they were sitting in front of each other.

'So Mr.Jef I know you must be having a lot of questions. Shall we start?'

'Doctor how do you remove memories? Doesnt it harm the brain?'

'The first thing that comes to mind - and very pertinent too. You see memory is nothing but a connection between two neurons in our head. Neurons are the basic cells that make up the brain. And when an electric pulse moves along this connection you have a reaction called memory. There are multiple routes to a memory but only a few become very dominant. What we do here is to instigate the neurons to make that connection weaker - its nothing to do with destroying anything in the brain. You see if a person has gone through a trauma - then he or she relives the trauma again and again when the connection gets active - and its not in control most of the times. So by just removing this connection we make lives easier for people.'

'But then how do you make sure you are cutting the right connection? And how do you search for it?'

'You see there is no way anyone can tell what the connection means other than the person himself. We just instigate a connection - this makes the memory active in the brain of the person and then he can chose whether this is what he want to delete. No other person comes to know what is being deleted from the memory but the person himself. The precision of our devices is much greater than the cellular level so the probability of a mistake is extremely low.'

'Then how do you know that the person is doing the right thing?'

'We monitor the bodies reactions to memories. It is simple to find out which ones are really bothering the person. Apart from that there is a psycological test you have to go through to be deemed fit for this operation. We are here to save people from unnecessary pain - not create more for them.'

The reasons were very appealing to Jef. Well it was just a matter of a tinsi winsi connection. But the moral question bothered him. Still in confusion - but now desperate for a decision, he spoke to the doctor impulsively.

'But what about the responsibility? I loved her ... so what she is not there anymore ... I love her still.'

The doctor's lips slightly curled at the edges - probably wanting to smile. It was like he was just waiting for that question to be asked. It was like he knew he would have to answer that - and he was smiling because he was ready for it.

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

First Visit - III

'Good evening Mr.Jef - this is your first visit?'

'Yes i have come for consultation. Is the doctor there?'

'Yes sir he will be free shortly, why dont you have a seat till then. I will call you'

Jef turned toward the couch and the bean bag kept in the waiting room. There was another lady, sitting and reading a magazine to kill the time. After a moment's hesitation Jef chose the bean bag - always felt it was more comfortable.

While sitting there he had an butterfly feeling in the stomach as he went through the events of the last few days in his head. He remembered the talk he had after the night's booz at his friend's house. He still was not ready - but in the name of practicality had realised his shortcomings. He needed some help and he was looking out for it now. He felt like calling his friend over - but the ego did not allow him to do so. He was doing what he wanted in the first place and what jef had argued against.

Trying to get over this feeling now jef looked around in the room to distract himself while he waited. Picked up an arbit magazine from the table in the middle, and tried to find something interesting in it. "Memory is just a connection of neurons." - he came across this statement, and was thrown into confusion - "JUST A CONNECTION" - is that all it is - Jef was getting restless - it was a combination of guilt - a bit relief - a bit disbelief - and felt like an angry fool. Was he wrong all this time? Was it only the connections of the neurons which drove him to so much hurt? Is this true? Am i believing this for my own convenience?

Jef was battling himself now - he was torn into two parts, one wanted to believe and the other wanted not to. At one moment he was feeling like a criminal for trying to throw away her out of his mind and the very next moment a fool for being so sentimental for all this time.

Jef wanted to talk to someone - anything to distract him. The lady in the room was the only approachable person to him. So he began - 'Excuse me ma'm, My name is Jef, I was wondering - have you been through the procedure of memory surgery?'

They lady responded - 'Hello , my name is anita - yes i have been through it, it has been such a life changing thing for me. I am so glad that i came here. My life had been in such a mess. But now i can relax - i am not haunted by my past. It seems you cant miss what you dont know. And it has worked well for me. I am better."

Jef - "But doesnt it bother you that you have lost memories of someone very special to you. Do you justify just forgetting them. I mean isnt this cheating.. i mean ..... i mean.... "

A lady from behind calls out - "Mr.Jef the doctor will see you now, could you please follow me ......."

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

The Suggestion - II

tringggg tringggg ....................
tringggg tringggg ....................

The ringing of the phone woke up jef. The phone was answered.
'Hello ........... hmmm ........ yes ...... never mind that i will meet you tomorrow and we will discuss it then........... Ok see ya bye' ^click!

In the background a TV program going on with a talk show - it all was only mumbling to jef for a while. His head still had not come back from his drinking misadventure last night. Rubbing his eyes and holding his head in his hands he let out a grunt. Then trying to make sense of where he was and what was the time - he looked around. The sound of the TV had become clearer as he moved towards it.

".......... this brings us to a moral question - with technology now able to change memories - what responsibility do we keep for our loved ones? Is is right to remove the thoughts of those we have lost? Today we have with us .......... Dr. ...... "

A voice from behind jef asked - 'So jef how are you feeling now?' ........... No answer

'Would you like a coffee or tea?'


After five minutes they were drinking coffee on the table. Nothing made a sound except the TV buzzing with advertisements. Jef was getting a bit restless. His friend made no attempts to talk or discuss anything. Finally Jef spoke -

'No man - this just doesnt sound right. I cant just forget her. This is waste ...... pure waste . Deception , cheating - How would you feel if the one you loved the most just forgot you?'

'Jef, how do you think you feel when the one you loved the most is in the dumps - destroying her own life. What is one thing we want from the ones we love? isnt it their happiness. Tell me - seeing you live like this - would she be happy or sad? Would she be glad that you are destroying yourself because she is not around.'

'But man it hurts. I love her so much ....... how can i live without her?'

'Do you really love her, Jef? I doubt, you just want her to be with you. Love is not bound by anything it is ........ '

'Dont give this philosophical s**t to me. Those are just hokum - cooked up to try to prove superiority, but when the lines get drawn all stand below them.

'All i am saying is that we must move on - not get stuck - and if we are not able to do that then we try to get help or try some other way. I cant believe if you say that there is no person who is important in your life for whom you will smile - even if it is a false one - you know the truth. You are just taking it the wrong way - you have linked guilt with happiness - when actually being happy is the best thing you can do for her at the moment. '

'What do you know - you have not lost anyone - and even if you have you didnt love them as much i did ....'

'This is exactly what you are doing wrong my friend - why do you measure love on the scale of pain - and do you believe and those who show pain feel it more ?? Why cant you measure the strength of love on the basis of happiness that one gets - when they think about those they love - why not the power that they get to rise above the situation when they think about those they love ....... '

Jef had no answer - but he was not in the position to see the point. He had pushed himself too deep into it to understand what he was saying. Jef looked at him with hatred - the one which we give to those who perform sacrilege, stomped out of the room - bumping his shoulder into the pillar on his way.

Monday, December 7, 2009

An Old Friend - I

It was dark with a few halogen lights on the ceiling - small apertures in the canvas on the ceiling letting a part of it come into the room and make things barely visible. The music at the loudest - banging of the drums and shouting of the rockstar - typical urban pub. He entered with his friends. It was a weekend. The time of the week to enjoy - relax - and be HIGH.

In the other corner of the room, in the shadows, he saw a familiar outline. He recognized but hesitated to say hello. He knew what had happened. Jef had lost her - and with her he had lost himself too. In his eyes one could see the pain which he was trying to forget in the alcohol. He had been a great guy - but where is he lost now? After a pause he couldnt see his friend like that and so he went up to him.

'Hey jef, how are you man? long time no see'

In half subconsciousness, with great difficulty he raised his brows in response to the sound. Stare - stare - stare. One affected smile. That was all he could reply with.

'Jef, seriously man - what are you doing? You have taken this far enough. Why dont you go and visit a memory surgeon?'

Jef stood up with a surge of anger - as if energy surged through his body and shouted -

Thuddd - the surge was numbed with all the alcohol in him. He fell to the ground and puked in an unconscious state.

'Lets go home Jef'

He took him to his house - with great difficulty. Jef was not a light guy. And let him sleep and wear off all the booze he had taken. He had taken up the responsibility - tomorrow was going to be the challenge. Was he prepared? He did not know - but he knew he had to do something. He spent the night thinking what to do the next day ............

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

!#$$@%^@!&#!$((%*!#^@& - (u dont wanna know what that is)

He doesnt drink - doesnt gamble. Is rational and sensible. Hard working - intelligent. He doesnt smoke. He know to play guitar - He likes to watch movies. Very friendly in nature. A likable person.

She is friendly - doesnt drink or smoke. Has no bad habits - looks beautiful. She is smart and caring. She never hurt people. She sings and draws well.

They have known each other for 5 years now. They talk with each other almost every other day. They understand each other. They like each other.

When he get angry - she calms him.
When she get dissappointed - he peps her up.
When they talk to each other - they are happiest.
They only want to see each other happy.

Neither has a mental problem - physical problem or any major health issue.

OOOOOOooooooohhhhh! but sorry your castes dont match :(
Guess this is how god made you - different and completely incompatible - how can you be happy with each other. This is a sin - and you want us also to be happy about it. Child you are making a mistake - a huge mistake. I dont consent to you seeing each other.

And dont forget child : I love you and am only concerned about your happiness.

S - Sadistic and
O - Oraganised
C - Criminalisation of
I - Innocent
E - Emotions to
T - Terrorize the
Y - Youth

PS - I am just about to explode with profanity at the irrationality of such parents. But that doesnt achieve anything does it. The only thing that needs to be done is to make them understand - with patience - a LOT LOT LOT of it. In this case they are worst than children. So children have to grow up to become understanding parents.

PS1 - Typical Indian society scenario ....... very very sad.