Wednesday, March 17, 2010

But for how long???

You made me run
You made me chase
You stopped me, blocked off
all my ways
But for how long???

You took away my chances
You made me lose
You left me with no options
when i wanted to chose
But for how long???

You erected walls
You dug up holes
But i am getting better
at crossing those
So for how long???

Its just matter of time
and i'll be there
Not 'AGAINST' you
But 'FOR' what i care

You stand your ground
For mine i'll fight
I may win
or lose i might

I will walk my way
I will sing my song
Try to stop me if you want
But for how long???

PS : - I wrote the poem in a particular mood - but when i reread it - i found it could be interpreted in different ways than what i thought of it - the "But for how long???" question was asked in a mocking defiant mood and not in the desparate, hopeless one.

Wednesday, March 10, 2010


"Donot fall in there" - i was shouting to myself, i was trying hard. I had fallen in there earlier - it was dark in there - it was confusing and restless there. I never wanted it again - but still at the sight of it i get drawn to it. It has some wierd sort of gravity maybe which is very strong and as i try to go away - my very actions seem to be the reason of my fall. I sometimes laugh at myself for not being strong. I sometimes shout for being so weak. It pops out of nowhere and at anytime. I know i get out everytime i fall - but this time i'd rather avoid the trouble altogether.

The darkness in there leaves it to my imagination to draw lines and pictures. And believe me drawing a colourful picture there has always been difficult. The fears get a chance to come out there - and they are like the worst ones to let have the control of imagination. For one thing they are invariably wrong and have a self multiplying tendency. The lines and shapes always draw a murky picture - something i would have never thought - something that i would have never drawn. My weakness gives them strength to start making their own pictures.

First i loath - then i question - then i wonder - and in the darkness when that is all i am seeing i start to feel they are making sense. And keep looking.

The illusions get strong - i start hearing voices, their volumes getting louder and louder. I could shout at them to shut up. But i dont till they drown my own voice which was guiding me all the while. I start to believe in them and the stories they tell - they lie - and have fun at my reactions. I can see the smiles at the corner of their lips - their grin getting broader at my misery. They seem to enjoy it so much.

I get tired and angry. I know its not the truth and i want to NOT believe it - but i torture myself under the effect of the darkness, my imagination and the voices. Till i point comes when i realise how stupid i am being. But knowing this is the easiest part. I still have to shut the voices - and get into the light. Sometimes you get used to the darkness - and live in desolace, but not me - not this time or any other.

I shout at them - they smirk. I know the place where i entered but unable to open the door back outwards. My imagination still playing games with me. It takes time to open the door - depending on how huge locks i put on it as i entered. But its always my victory at the end. I come out to see the light - i turn back to see the darkness and laugh at it ---- i see it losing its grip on me and feel happy and dumb at the same time. The happiness of coming out and the stupidity of going there in the first place. But then all is well.

I promise myself i am never going to be back here .......... i hope i keep it for the rest of my life.


Sunday, March 7, 2010

Stupid Dog ???

Just the other day i was walking on the street when i saw a dog. Just the usual street dog. Now he had some serious issue with his tail and was making desperate attempts to catch it. It was amusing to see him going round and round in a frenzy. I had seen it in cartoons many times but saw it actually the first time. And the first thing that came to my mind was - 'What a stupid dog'.

I realized i made that statement because i was able to see the inherent futility of the exercise - but it obviously was a very serious issue for the dog. Not demeaning the dog or anything but with its thinking capacity it thought and did what he thought he ought to. That was that. But I with a 'so called' better brain and 'higher' intelligence was able to analyze the activity and draw conclusions.

Then it just struck me -- what if there was a being, with say 10 times my intelligence, no lets make it 100 times my intelligence - who has a more complex brain - more neurons - more synapses than my brain - more grey matter - or maybe a completely different system of perceiving and analyzing. Would he find my activities 'Stupid' too ???

The frame changed ------ now i was the dog - instead of the tail i am chasing other things maybe - money / fame / pride / status / or things which i run after and going in circles. Obviously these things are important according to my thinking capacities - just as it was for the dog chasing his tail. So would a more intelligent creature come and laugh at me??? Probably ....... probably not. I might never know - because i cannot think beyond my thinking capacities.

Maybe if i was a dog - i would have probably commended the dog in his determined effort to chase the tail. Maybe i would be inspired to do the same just like i laud the efforts of successful men and women. Then again i dont know that either because i dont have a dog's brain. I may never find the answer but i just cannot deny the possibility of it being true.

Monday, March 1, 2010

WARNING :: Thinking could be injurious to joy ......

I was going to Pune this weekend [it was a three day weekend after eons and i didnt want to waste it]. I took a bus to pune and as any other normal bus it stopped at around 10 pm at a restaurant dhaba sort of place on the highway. Keeping with my policy of 'minimum food while travelling in a bus' - i got down , stretched my legs and had just a fruit plate. It was over in a matter of 5 minutes but the bus had stopped for half an hour.

Then something happened which has happened a million times before and atleast hundreds of times i have seen it earlier - it started to drizzle. Very fine sized water droplets - so small that even little wind that was there was enough to push it in any direction it wanted. And i was standing there looking at it as it fell on the front glass of the bus. The drops slowly coalescing to form bigger ones and then rolling down along the glass leaving a streak of water behind them - and all i was able to think was the damp smell that would be there in the bus for the rest of the journey.

Ambling around in the corridor just outside the restaurant. I looked up when i was at the end of the corridor with no particular reason and saw a very simple phenomenon. There was a light on the wall but the light was not visible from where i was standing - and in the background was the dark sky - so actually there was nothing to indicate that there was a light there but for the reflections of the light on the tiny droplets of water that were falling. As long as the droplets were in the scope of the light they were visible and then they would dissappear.

The moment i looked at it - all the inferences were drawn - the location and the colour of light - droplets shape - water's property to reflect and refract - the wind that was moving them in all directions. The explaination came naturally to me as i had learnt all these principles already. There was nothing interesting there anymore - nothing more to know - it was just a 'so ordinary phenomenon'.

But i stared at it for a bit more than usual time - and wondered - what if i did not know all these things - what if i did not know where the rain comes from or how water reflects - if i didnt know there was a light and didnt know what was happening. What would it be like ........

And then i found myself staring at the drops with amazement. What are those things? - appearing out of nowhere - dissappearing into nowhere - glowing as they flow - shining like balls of energy of some sort. As i stared at them for longer - i was able to see each and every droplet now - and track their motion - they were moving in slow motion now - the invisible wind playing with them - tossing them around up down sideways - their movements were so amazing - was this light - am i seeing the motion of light. Suddenly there would be a flurry of wind and the balls would become streaks of light. The streaks would loook like interwined strings of light. And then suddenly as if a slow motion button is pressed the droplets would be visible again. The transformation was amazing.

A broad smile came over my face, my mind filled with fascination, my brain refraining from giving me any explainations. And i stood there for atleast 10-15 minutes staring at that amazing display of something wonderful. Then it struck me where i was - people might be looking at me with curiousity - was i looking like a fool - smiling while looking at perceivably nothing special. But then were they seeing what i was - were they thinking what i was - were they feeling what i was - NO they had no idea. One guy actually tried to see something in the direction i was looking - but i guess he didnt get my point.

I realised how intelligence sometimes has the potential to steal away joy from us. I was enjoying a completely ordinary and fully explainable phenomenon because i didnt try to explain it. I am a pro intelligence guy - i draw inferences and explainations even before i know i have - but sometimes it is worth telling the brain not to work so much - there are amazing things all around us happening every moment - and they can be enjoyed no matter how trivial.