Jef was again waiting for his turn in the clinic next day. He had made his decision. He was going to go for the operation. He spent his time wondering what it would be like. There were some forms to be filled, declarations to be signed and some tests of fitness to be given. After going through all those he was ready and the doctor came up to give him the instruction about how they would go about doing the operation. The doctor spoke -
During the operation Mr.Jef you will be lying in this (he indicated towards a machine in the room through a glass window) and we will talk to you through every step of it. You just need to relax. You will get memories one after the other as we will activate the nerves in your brain. You will have to tell us which is the part you would like to be removed. Its that simple - just to be sure we will reinvoke the connection so that you can be sure of what you are about to remove. The responsibility is yours Mr.Jef - Lets get the sadness out of your head shall we.....
The machine was like a MRI scanning machine and he was going to sleep in a some sort of tunnel. The nurse came and gave a small pill to Jef.
What was this for?
Oh - its just a soothing agent - so that you are relaxed in the process, thats all.
It was time Jef lied on the platform and it got inserted into the tunnel. He could hear the voice of the doctor clearly and he was making sure Jef is comfortable at each and every step.
Jef close your eyes - now all you need to see is in your own head so you dont need to look around. Just relax.... take normal breath. If at any moment you feel uncomfortable we will pause. Dont hesitate at all.
Jef closed his eyes - surprisingly it was not dark - instead it was bright white light that he was experiencing. It seemed to stretch infinitely everywhere. Then suddenly he saw moving pictures cropping out of nowhere - drawn on nothing - just floating around him. And there were trillions like those filling up the whole space. The were like everything he had in his memories was in front of him.
The doctor spoke -
Jef could you please think about her now........
The scene in front of Jef began to change; there were prominent pictures of her around him.
Do you see her Jef?
yes...
So Jef..... all your troubles are just about to end.
Saturday, December 12, 2009
Friday, December 11, 2009
The Answer - V
The doctor without any hesitation looked into the Jef's eyes and said in a very calm and assuring voice.
'I know exactly what are you feeling. But tell me does she remember you?'
Jef was silent. His confused mind had already given up the fight for reason - he just wanted answers - no questions.
The doctor spoke to explain :
'You see Jef - you cannot remember anything if you dont have a brain. And where she is right now - she is beyond the realms of physical existence. She is not attached with memories or ideas or pain. These are traits of the brain - the cells. She is at peace where she is - in perfect state. If you believe the concept of soul then you will know. Even if not - still the argument stands.
Even all this pain you are feeling is just a part of reactions of your brain. The chemicals in the head - bombarding the connection which has become predominant. All i am offering is to bring your own head into control so that you can lead a happy life.'
Jef thought 'happy life' - its had been a while since he had felt that. Its been long since he smiled at the mirror - happy to see the face it in. It been so long when he laughed openly. And he wanted it so bad - he knew that - there was no doubt in his head about this atleast.
The doctor's argument was very rational and logical. He thought - there is nothing wrong in this. I am not abandoning her. How can i abandon her when she is not there at all?
Jef affirmation to go through the procedure was increasing and he was already feeling better a bit. He left the room after tellling the doctor he needed some time to think about this.
Jef walked alone on the road - unmindful of where he was going - that didnt matter to him either ways. He thought of what his friend had told him - "She would want you to be happy" - and then the doctor - "just a connection..." -- "reaction of brain" -- "only cells". He closed his eyes and tried to talk to her. With a hint of guilt he asked her what he should do. And in his imagination her voice spoke
"Be Happy"
Jef opened his eyes and knew what he was going to do now.
'I know exactly what are you feeling. But tell me does she remember you?'
Jef was silent. His confused mind had already given up the fight for reason - he just wanted answers - no questions.
The doctor spoke to explain :
'You see Jef - you cannot remember anything if you dont have a brain. And where she is right now - she is beyond the realms of physical existence. She is not attached with memories or ideas or pain. These are traits of the brain - the cells. She is at peace where she is - in perfect state. If you believe the concept of soul then you will know. Even if not - still the argument stands.
Even all this pain you are feeling is just a part of reactions of your brain. The chemicals in the head - bombarding the connection which has become predominant. All i am offering is to bring your own head into control so that you can lead a happy life.'
Jef thought 'happy life' - its had been a while since he had felt that. Its been long since he smiled at the mirror - happy to see the face it in. It been so long when he laughed openly. And he wanted it so bad - he knew that - there was no doubt in his head about this atleast.
The doctor's argument was very rational and logical. He thought - there is nothing wrong in this. I am not abandoning her. How can i abandon her when she is not there at all?
Jef affirmation to go through the procedure was increasing and he was already feeling better a bit. He left the room after tellling the doctor he needed some time to think about this.
Jef walked alone on the road - unmindful of where he was going - that didnt matter to him either ways. He thought of what his friend had told him - "She would want you to be happy" - and then the doctor - "just a connection..." -- "reaction of brain" -- "only cells". He closed his eyes and tried to talk to her. With a hint of guilt he asked her what he should do. And in his imagination her voice spoke
"Be Happy"
Jef opened his eyes and knew what he was going to do now.
Thursday, December 10, 2009
The Question - IV
The lady was back reading into her magazine even before Jef turned back to her. So he got up and started following the lady who had called him. He was lost and in no position to understand too much. He just wanted to hear something that would calm him down - but at this moment he had no idea what it would be. Was he in the right place? Is this the right thing to do? Whats wrong with this? Anita is better off? So will i be too? What is going on?
As Jef was bombarding himself with torrent of questions - they reached a door. The lady entered and asked Jef to follow. The room was nothing like a doctor's room that Jef had ever seen. It was dim - not much illuminated. Something was calm about the ambience in the room. Jef felt relaxed for some reason. There was very comfortable sofa seats present in the centre of the room. There were plants and flowers all around. The scent of the flowers was very soothing. Jef took one of the seats on the sofa and in a few minutes the doctor entered the room and after a customary greeting they were sitting in front of each other.
'So Mr.Jef I know you must be having a lot of questions. Shall we start?'
'Doctor how do you remove memories? Doesnt it harm the brain?'
'The first thing that comes to mind - and very pertinent too. You see memory is nothing but a connection between two neurons in our head. Neurons are the basic cells that make up the brain. And when an electric pulse moves along this connection you have a reaction called memory. There are multiple routes to a memory but only a few become very dominant. What we do here is to instigate the neurons to make that connection weaker - its nothing to do with destroying anything in the brain. You see if a person has gone through a trauma - then he or she relives the trauma again and again when the connection gets active - and its not in control most of the times. So by just removing this connection we make lives easier for people.'
'But then how do you make sure you are cutting the right connection? And how do you search for it?'
'You see there is no way anyone can tell what the connection means other than the person himself. We just instigate a connection - this makes the memory active in the brain of the person and then he can chose whether this is what he want to delete. No other person comes to know what is being deleted from the memory but the person himself. The precision of our devices is much greater than the cellular level so the probability of a mistake is extremely low.'
'Then how do you know that the person is doing the right thing?'
'We monitor the bodies reactions to memories. It is simple to find out which ones are really bothering the person. Apart from that there is a psycological test you have to go through to be deemed fit for this operation. We are here to save people from unnecessary pain - not create more for them.'
The reasons were very appealing to Jef. Well it was just a matter of a tinsi winsi connection. But the moral question bothered him. Still in confusion - but now desperate for a decision, he spoke to the doctor impulsively.
'But what about the responsibility? I loved her ... so what she is not there anymore ... I love her still.'
The doctor's lips slightly curled at the edges - probably wanting to smile. It was like he was just waiting for that question to be asked. It was like he knew he would have to answer that - and he was smiling because he was ready for it.
As Jef was bombarding himself with torrent of questions - they reached a door. The lady entered and asked Jef to follow. The room was nothing like a doctor's room that Jef had ever seen. It was dim - not much illuminated. Something was calm about the ambience in the room. Jef felt relaxed for some reason. There was very comfortable sofa seats present in the centre of the room. There were plants and flowers all around. The scent of the flowers was very soothing. Jef took one of the seats on the sofa and in a few minutes the doctor entered the room and after a customary greeting they were sitting in front of each other.
'So Mr.Jef I know you must be having a lot of questions. Shall we start?'
'Doctor how do you remove memories? Doesnt it harm the brain?'
'The first thing that comes to mind - and very pertinent too. You see memory is nothing but a connection between two neurons in our head. Neurons are the basic cells that make up the brain. And when an electric pulse moves along this connection you have a reaction called memory. There are multiple routes to a memory but only a few become very dominant. What we do here is to instigate the neurons to make that connection weaker - its nothing to do with destroying anything in the brain. You see if a person has gone through a trauma - then he or she relives the trauma again and again when the connection gets active - and its not in control most of the times. So by just removing this connection we make lives easier for people.'
'But then how do you make sure you are cutting the right connection? And how do you search for it?'
'You see there is no way anyone can tell what the connection means other than the person himself. We just instigate a connection - this makes the memory active in the brain of the person and then he can chose whether this is what he want to delete. No other person comes to know what is being deleted from the memory but the person himself. The precision of our devices is much greater than the cellular level so the probability of a mistake is extremely low.'
'Then how do you know that the person is doing the right thing?'
'We monitor the bodies reactions to memories. It is simple to find out which ones are really bothering the person. Apart from that there is a psycological test you have to go through to be deemed fit for this operation. We are here to save people from unnecessary pain - not create more for them.'
The reasons were very appealing to Jef. Well it was just a matter of a tinsi winsi connection. But the moral question bothered him. Still in confusion - but now desperate for a decision, he spoke to the doctor impulsively.
'But what about the responsibility? I loved her ... so what she is not there anymore ... I love her still.'
The doctor's lips slightly curled at the edges - probably wanting to smile. It was like he was just waiting for that question to be asked. It was like he knew he would have to answer that - and he was smiling because he was ready for it.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
First Visit - III
'Good evening Mr.Jef - this is your first visit?'
'Yes i have come for consultation. Is the doctor there?'
'Yes sir he will be free shortly, why dont you have a seat till then. I will call you'
Jef turned toward the couch and the bean bag kept in the waiting room. There was another lady, sitting and reading a magazine to kill the time. After a moment's hesitation Jef chose the bean bag - always felt it was more comfortable.
While sitting there he had an butterfly feeling in the stomach as he went through the events of the last few days in his head. He remembered the talk he had after the night's booz at his friend's house. He still was not ready - but in the name of practicality had realised his shortcomings. He needed some help and he was looking out for it now. He felt like calling his friend over - but the ego did not allow him to do so. He was doing what he wanted in the first place and what jef had argued against.
Trying to get over this feeling now jef looked around in the room to distract himself while he waited. Picked up an arbit magazine from the table in the middle, and tried to find something interesting in it. "Memory is just a connection of neurons." - he came across this statement, and was thrown into confusion - "JUST A CONNECTION" - is that all it is - Jef was getting restless - it was a combination of guilt - a bit relief - a bit disbelief - and felt like an angry fool. Was he wrong all this time? Was it only the connections of the neurons which drove him to so much hurt? Is this true? Am i believing this for my own convenience?
Jef was battling himself now - he was torn into two parts, one wanted to believe and the other wanted not to. At one moment he was feeling like a criminal for trying to throw away her out of his mind and the very next moment a fool for being so sentimental for all this time.
Jef wanted to talk to someone - anything to distract him. The lady in the room was the only approachable person to him. So he began - 'Excuse me ma'm, My name is Jef, I was wondering - have you been through the procedure of memory surgery?'
They lady responded - 'Hello , my name is anita - yes i have been through it, it has been such a life changing thing for me. I am so glad that i came here. My life had been in such a mess. But now i can relax - i am not haunted by my past. It seems you cant miss what you dont know. And it has worked well for me. I am better."
Jef - "But doesnt it bother you that you have lost memories of someone very special to you. Do you justify just forgetting them. I mean isnt this cheating.. i mean ..... i mean.... "
A lady from behind calls out - "Mr.Jef the doctor will see you now, could you please follow me ......."
'Yes i have come for consultation. Is the doctor there?'
'Yes sir he will be free shortly, why dont you have a seat till then. I will call you'
Jef turned toward the couch and the bean bag kept in the waiting room. There was another lady, sitting and reading a magazine to kill the time. After a moment's hesitation Jef chose the bean bag - always felt it was more comfortable.
While sitting there he had an butterfly feeling in the stomach as he went through the events of the last few days in his head. He remembered the talk he had after the night's booz at his friend's house. He still was not ready - but in the name of practicality had realised his shortcomings. He needed some help and he was looking out for it now. He felt like calling his friend over - but the ego did not allow him to do so. He was doing what he wanted in the first place and what jef had argued against.
Trying to get over this feeling now jef looked around in the room to distract himself while he waited. Picked up an arbit magazine from the table in the middle, and tried to find something interesting in it. "Memory is just a connection of neurons." - he came across this statement, and was thrown into confusion - "JUST A CONNECTION" - is that all it is - Jef was getting restless - it was a combination of guilt - a bit relief - a bit disbelief - and felt like an angry fool. Was he wrong all this time? Was it only the connections of the neurons which drove him to so much hurt? Is this true? Am i believing this for my own convenience?
Jef was battling himself now - he was torn into two parts, one wanted to believe and the other wanted not to. At one moment he was feeling like a criminal for trying to throw away her out of his mind and the very next moment a fool for being so sentimental for all this time.
Jef wanted to talk to someone - anything to distract him. The lady in the room was the only approachable person to him. So he began - 'Excuse me ma'm, My name is Jef, I was wondering - have you been through the procedure of memory surgery?'
They lady responded - 'Hello , my name is anita - yes i have been through it, it has been such a life changing thing for me. I am so glad that i came here. My life had been in such a mess. But now i can relax - i am not haunted by my past. It seems you cant miss what you dont know. And it has worked well for me. I am better."
Jef - "But doesnt it bother you that you have lost memories of someone very special to you. Do you justify just forgetting them. I mean isnt this cheating.. i mean ..... i mean.... "
A lady from behind calls out - "Mr.Jef the doctor will see you now, could you please follow me ......."
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
The Suggestion - II
tringggg tringggg ....................
tringggg tringggg ....................
The ringing of the phone woke up jef. The phone was answered.
'Hello ........... hmmm ........ yes ...... never mind that i will meet you tomorrow and we will discuss it then........... Ok see ya bye' ^click!
In the background a TV program going on with a talk show - it all was only mumbling to jef for a while. His head still had not come back from his drinking misadventure last night. Rubbing his eyes and holding his head in his hands he let out a grunt. Then trying to make sense of where he was and what was the time - he looked around. The sound of the TV had become clearer as he moved towards it.
".......... this brings us to a moral question - with technology now able to change memories - what responsibility do we keep for our loved ones? Is is right to remove the thoughts of those we have lost? Today we have with us .......... Dr. ...... "
A voice from behind jef asked - 'So jef how are you feeling now?' ........... No answer
'Would you like a coffee or tea?'
'Coffee'
After five minutes they were drinking coffee on the table. Nothing made a sound except the TV buzzing with advertisements. Jef was getting a bit restless. His friend made no attempts to talk or discuss anything. Finally Jef spoke -
'No man - this just doesnt sound right. I cant just forget her. This is waste ...... pure waste . Deception , cheating - How would you feel if the one you loved the most just forgot you?'
'Jef, how do you think you feel when the one you loved the most is in the dumps - destroying her own life. What is one thing we want from the ones we love? isnt it their happiness. Tell me - seeing you live like this - would she be happy or sad? Would she be glad that you are destroying yourself because she is not around.'
'But man it hurts. I love her so much ....... how can i live without her?'
'Do you really love her, Jef? I doubt, you just want her to be with you. Love is not bound by anything it is ........ '
'Dont give this philosophical s**t to me. Those are just hokum - cooked up to try to prove superiority, but when the lines get drawn all stand below them.
'All i am saying is that we must move on - not get stuck - and if we are not able to do that then we try to get help or try some other way. I cant believe if you say that there is no person who is important in your life for whom you will smile - even if it is a false one - you know the truth. You are just taking it the wrong way - you have linked guilt with happiness - when actually being happy is the best thing you can do for her at the moment. '
'What do you know - you have not lost anyone - and even if you have you didnt love them as much i did ....'
'This is exactly what you are doing wrong my friend - why do you measure love on the scale of pain - and do you believe and those who show pain feel it more ?? Why cant you measure the strength of love on the basis of happiness that one gets - when they think about those they love - why not the power that they get to rise above the situation when they think about those they love ....... '
Jef had no answer - but he was not in the position to see the point. He had pushed himself too deep into it to understand what he was saying. Jef looked at him with hatred - the one which we give to those who perform sacrilege, stomped out of the room - bumping his shoulder into the pillar on his way.
tringggg tringggg ....................
The ringing of the phone woke up jef. The phone was answered.
'Hello ........... hmmm ........ yes ...... never mind that i will meet you tomorrow and we will discuss it then........... Ok see ya bye' ^click!
In the background a TV program going on with a talk show - it all was only mumbling to jef for a while. His head still had not come back from his drinking misadventure last night. Rubbing his eyes and holding his head in his hands he let out a grunt. Then trying to make sense of where he was and what was the time - he looked around. The sound of the TV had become clearer as he moved towards it.
".......... this brings us to a moral question - with technology now able to change memories - what responsibility do we keep for our loved ones? Is is right to remove the thoughts of those we have lost? Today we have with us .......... Dr. ...... "
A voice from behind jef asked - 'So jef how are you feeling now?' ........... No answer
'Would you like a coffee or tea?'
'Coffee'
After five minutes they were drinking coffee on the table. Nothing made a sound except the TV buzzing with advertisements. Jef was getting a bit restless. His friend made no attempts to talk or discuss anything. Finally Jef spoke -
'No man - this just doesnt sound right. I cant just forget her. This is waste ...... pure waste . Deception , cheating - How would you feel if the one you loved the most just forgot you?'
'Jef, how do you think you feel when the one you loved the most is in the dumps - destroying her own life. What is one thing we want from the ones we love? isnt it their happiness. Tell me - seeing you live like this - would she be happy or sad? Would she be glad that you are destroying yourself because she is not around.'
'But man it hurts. I love her so much ....... how can i live without her?'
'Do you really love her, Jef? I doubt, you just want her to be with you. Love is not bound by anything it is ........ '
'Dont give this philosophical s**t to me. Those are just hokum - cooked up to try to prove superiority, but when the lines get drawn all stand below them.
'All i am saying is that we must move on - not get stuck - and if we are not able to do that then we try to get help or try some other way. I cant believe if you say that there is no person who is important in your life for whom you will smile - even if it is a false one - you know the truth. You are just taking it the wrong way - you have linked guilt with happiness - when actually being happy is the best thing you can do for her at the moment. '
'What do you know - you have not lost anyone - and even if you have you didnt love them as much i did ....'
'This is exactly what you are doing wrong my friend - why do you measure love on the scale of pain - and do you believe and those who show pain feel it more ?? Why cant you measure the strength of love on the basis of happiness that one gets - when they think about those they love - why not the power that they get to rise above the situation when they think about those they love ....... '
Jef had no answer - but he was not in the position to see the point. He had pushed himself too deep into it to understand what he was saying. Jef looked at him with hatred - the one which we give to those who perform sacrilege, stomped out of the room - bumping his shoulder into the pillar on his way.
Monday, December 7, 2009
An Old Friend - I
It was dark with a few halogen lights on the ceiling - small apertures in the canvas on the ceiling letting a part of it come into the room and make things barely visible. The music at the loudest - banging of the drums and shouting of the rockstar - typical urban pub. He entered with his friends. It was a weekend. The time of the week to enjoy - relax - and be HIGH.
In the other corner of the room, in the shadows, he saw a familiar outline. He recognized but hesitated to say hello. He knew what had happened. Jef had lost her - and with her he had lost himself too. In his eyes one could see the pain which he was trying to forget in the alcohol. He had been a great guy - but where is he lost now? After a pause he couldnt see his friend like that and so he went up to him.
'Hey jef, how are you man? long time no see'
In half subconsciousness, with great difficulty he raised his brows in response to the sound. Stare - stare - stare. One affected smile. That was all he could reply with.
'Jef, seriously man - what are you doing? You have taken this far enough. Why dont you go and visit a memory surgeon?'
Jef stood up with a surge of anger - as if energy surged through his body and shouted -
'WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU WANT ME TO FORGET HER? YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE HER? YOU THINK I AM SO WEAK? MY LOVE IS TRUE .. I WILL NEVER ...........'
Thuddd - the surge was numbed with all the alcohol in him. He fell to the ground and puked in an unconscious state.
'Lets go home Jef'
He took him to his house - with great difficulty. Jef was not a light guy. And let him sleep and wear off all the booze he had taken. He had taken up the responsibility - tomorrow was going to be the challenge. Was he prepared? He did not know - but he knew he had to do something. He spent the night thinking what to do the next day ............
In the other corner of the room, in the shadows, he saw a familiar outline. He recognized but hesitated to say hello. He knew what had happened. Jef had lost her - and with her he had lost himself too. In his eyes one could see the pain which he was trying to forget in the alcohol. He had been a great guy - but where is he lost now? After a pause he couldnt see his friend like that and so he went up to him.
'Hey jef, how are you man? long time no see'
In half subconsciousness, with great difficulty he raised his brows in response to the sound. Stare - stare - stare. One affected smile. That was all he could reply with.
'Jef, seriously man - what are you doing? You have taken this far enough. Why dont you go and visit a memory surgeon?'
Jef stood up with a surge of anger - as if energy surged through his body and shouted -
'WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU WANT ME TO FORGET HER? YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE HER? YOU THINK I AM SO WEAK? MY LOVE IS TRUE .. I WILL NEVER ...........'
Thuddd - the surge was numbed with all the alcohol in him. He fell to the ground and puked in an unconscious state.
'Lets go home Jef'
He took him to his house - with great difficulty. Jef was not a light guy. And let him sleep and wear off all the booze he had taken. He had taken up the responsibility - tomorrow was going to be the challenge. Was he prepared? He did not know - but he knew he had to do something. He spent the night thinking what to do the next day ............
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
!#$$@%^@!&#!$((%*!#^@& - (u dont wanna know what that is)
He doesnt drink - doesnt gamble. Is rational and sensible. Hard working - intelligent. He doesnt smoke. He know to play guitar - He likes to watch movies. Very friendly in nature. A likable person.
She is friendly - doesnt drink or smoke. Has no bad habits - looks beautiful. She is smart and caring. She never hurt people. She sings and draws well.
They have known each other for 5 years now. They talk with each other almost every other day. They understand each other. They like each other.
When he get angry - she calms him.
When she get dissappointed - he peps her up.
When they talk to each other - they are happiest.
They only want to see each other happy.
Neither has a mental problem - physical problem or any major health issue.
OOOOOOooooooohhhhh! but sorry your castes dont match :(
Guess this is how god made you - different and completely incompatible - how can you be happy with each other. This is a sin - and you want us also to be happy about it. Child you are making a mistake - a huge mistake. I dont consent to you seeing each other.
And dont forget child : I love you and am only concerned about your happiness.
S - Sadistic and
O - Oraganised
C - Criminalisation of
I - Innocent
E - Emotions to
T - Terrorize the
Y - Youth
PS - I am just about to explode with profanity at the irrationality of such parents. But that doesnt achieve anything does it. The only thing that needs to be done is to make them understand - with patience - a LOT LOT LOT of it. In this case they are worst than children. So children have to grow up to become understanding parents.
PS1 - Typical Indian society scenario ....... very very sad.
She is friendly - doesnt drink or smoke. Has no bad habits - looks beautiful. She is smart and caring. She never hurt people. She sings and draws well.
They have known each other for 5 years now. They talk with each other almost every other day. They understand each other. They like each other.
When he get angry - she calms him.
When she get dissappointed - he peps her up.
When they talk to each other - they are happiest.
They only want to see each other happy.
Neither has a mental problem - physical problem or any major health issue.
OOOOOOooooooohhhhh! but sorry your castes dont match :(
Guess this is how god made you - different and completely incompatible - how can you be happy with each other. This is a sin - and you want us also to be happy about it. Child you are making a mistake - a huge mistake. I dont consent to you seeing each other.
And dont forget child : I love you and am only concerned about your happiness.
S - Sadistic and
O - Oraganised
C - Criminalisation of
I - Innocent
E - Emotions to
T - Terrorize the
Y - Youth
PS - I am just about to explode with profanity at the irrationality of such parents. But that doesnt achieve anything does it. The only thing that needs to be done is to make them understand - with patience - a LOT LOT LOT of it. In this case they are worst than children. So children have to grow up to become understanding parents.
PS1 - Typical Indian society scenario ....... very very sad.
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