Saturday, December 18, 2010

Icarus Verilog works - IV

The curtains raised and the scene started. My small conversation with you gave me only that small hint that i was able to perceive from you. So "Not them" - hoping that my inference was right. Actually you gave me no indications whether i was right or wrong.

That made me wonder - how many times i did things "For Them"? Didnt speak up thinking what "They" will think? Didnt help out someone because "They" thought it was uncool? Tried to get along with "Them" trying to appease "Them" when i did not want to.

I thought of the times i made someone innocent suffer - mostly my dear ones because of "Them". "They" had no business in mine but i let "Them" interfere. Why should I?

I asked the question and half the crowd vanished from the audience. Most of the people i only knew by faces and names only had gone. I feel lighter now a bit more confidant. There are lesser sets of eyes staring at my actions. I can see my friends and family and that mysterious fellow in the corner shadows.

Oh - i see now - not them but isnt the actor supposed to be acting for the audience. I look at you - i know you can hear my thoughts. You smile and shake your head saying no. That could mean so many things. Are they not the audience - so then whom am i supposed to be acting for - why am i on the stage in the first place. With that ever calming smile you point at me.

Before i can think about it a group of black figures surround me. I can guess their intentions were to harm me. I start defending - pushing them away - they come one at a time in the beginning and then in groups. What they want is not clear. But there was no room for my thoughts with them around. I was struggling to clear them off - and completely forgot what was happening. So involved in the process that i forgot it was a play - i forgot i was on stage - i forgot that it is not real.

Saturday, December 11, 2010

Zen flute house - III

You look at me with the same calm as ever. You know my questions - and you know the answers as well. But somehow i get the idea you are not going to tell me. You like puzzles dont you?

Without a word you pointed at the crowd - the spot light was not on now - i could see the crowd. Almost all of them i knew - atleast by face. There were those whom i met recently sitting in the front row. And i could notice that their distance from me was not only the number of rows of chairs but in effect as well.

My dearest ones were given a special seat. They could see me more clearly than others. I smiled.

There was one in the corner, not visible - i could feel that i knew that person but still couldnt figure out. You pointed at all but that person and shook your head as if saying no.

Ok now you are playing dumb-charades with me. So what was that - "Not Them" is it? You smile again.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

It tastes the same - II

The music was ominious - indicating something bad was about to happen. There were so many indications to me to do something - but what??

I looked around surveyed the stage - the things that were there. And then suddenly i became aware of the host of pairs of eyes looking at me from the audience. Though not yet visible due to the high intensity spotlight - but definitely i was visible to all of them.

Fear - the one i despised started to take control - voices in my head spoke - "What if i make a fool of myself?" - "What might they be thinking?" - "Am i doing the right thing?" - "Am i good enough to do this?". With each question confidence dwindled - thoughts became hazy. It was becoming difficult to understand what is happening. But there was no escape.

Another character in the play attacked - perhaps thats what i assume he did when he hurled a crimson coloured ball at me - To catch or not to catch. Am i supposed to catch it?

In fear i dodged - there was laughter; was it that i heard from the background - what had i done? Maybe i was supposed to catch it .... then suddenly a voice from the crowd cheered for me - i knew the voice - it was full of confidence - were they too in the crowd. They had to be - for the voice was definitely the one i knew.

I was amazed at the effect of that sound. My heart was strengthened - they were in the crowd - watching me - supporting me - a new confidence arose and i felt lighter. Amused at my reaction - suddenly i was not scared anymore. But the music had stopped ...... The curtains fell and you were standing next to me.....

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

Apple juice from China - I

Spoke too soon, did I? Perhaps you didnt like it. But I was not challenging or complaining or mocking. Surprised - yes, you had never been so easy on me lately, so the change of attitude was definitely a difference that I felt. You know how much I know you - not as much as you know me definitely but still I am trying to understand, bit by bit.

Fear you say - no I shall do my best to not let it take control. Its a waste feeling - never helped me. Some say it is basic to survival - but then is survival basic to existence? Agnostic about it - a bit against the idea of fear being useful but then again we live in a relative world.

I used to feel that there is supposed to be, or rather can be a smooth relationship between us. But simply the idea is only because I wanted it that way and has no bearing to how it is actually supposed to be. The more I try to understand the more my fantasies are broken as reality comes forth slowly. And I realise the perfection of things as they are - as they always were.

The stage is perfectly set - you have done all the hard work to set it up for me. Though my script is missing. And when I ask you for it - you simply smile. The smile is a mixture of mocking, understanding, explaining and the one of faith at the same time. You must have seen so many like me before. I felt you are waiting for my act too - maybe you know what is on stage and what is going to happen - maybe you dont.

But you show faith and you never stop smiling. As I stand at the centre stage the curtains are just about to rise - An actor without the script of even the knowledge of plot. The ending unknown - the curtains rise.

The bright light focussing on me - my pupils contract and I am unable to see what is in front. All I have is the light, your faith in me and myself. I close my eyes - take a deep breath. And open my eyes ............

Monday, December 6, 2010

A == B ?

Of the saints and sinner
Who is more cleaner

He who walks and prays
all his days
or the one who kills
and the void he fills

If objective be separated from action
In the end we all seek satisfaction
One finds in prayer
One becomes a slayer

I dont want to die so i despise
the methods that the slayer tries

Its just that the reality
i perceive as i want it to be
The truth thats so hard to see
is something different maybe

Thursday, December 2, 2010

Back to business :)

Its been so long blogging - feels good
The feel of the keys on my fingers when i am not trying to write a code
or trying to finish my assignment or a project
Letting the thoughts roll and my fingers following them

Nothing particular on my mind though ....
Just looking at the story being unfold
One day at a time - enjoying every second of what life is giving me
It used to throw things at me earlier - checking if i can catch it or get hurt in the process
It has stopped that
maybe only for sometime now
or maybe for a change it is handing things in my hand
But i know this is one thing it hates to do

I enjoyed playing the game every single time
and waiting for the next round
But this time better prepared than the last round

I guess...........

Life has an unusual way to disappoint and surprise me -- but i wont be at all surprised if it does that again ------ [oxymoron]

Well thats how it is... :)