Kshanbhar

क्षणभर जीवन नयनात दिसतील
क्षणभर होठ गालात हसतील
सात समुद्र पार असुनही
क्षणभर मिलण वर्षो पुरतील

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In English :

A moment, i will see life in eyes
A moment, lips will curl into a smile
Though apart by seven seas
A moment's meeting, for years suffice

The demon i carry - resides in me
If you ever get a chance to see
Will you be the same - or different be ?
and its not just me - Its Everybody .......

I smile - now you smile

Wanna bring a smile on your face today
For a moment maybe
but still writing this post just to do that ........ justified
Wont say i started of thinking about this post
hoping for a lot of people to read it
To comment
then i realised something - something i spoke with
someone recently, we were discussing
WHY facebook is so popular?
Just as in conversation i said - its the feedback
the likes
the comments
thats what drives people
thats why they are addicted to it so much
and the reply came - they all seeks so much external gratification

How much of it do i seek out of this one - I wonder ??????
Though i was trying to write something which
would appeal to someone - some reader and i will get a comment back
YES - i enjoy someone commenting on my posts
But felt bad that it was the comments i was trying to get
not writing my heart out

that saddened me

But i realised that the wish to make someone
SMILE
when they might read this was also one of the motives
that felt comforting
that felt better
better than reading a comment
reason being it came from within myself
MY motive
MY choice

External gratification seems to much more enticing
We wait for someone to acknowledge
Then we mould our thoughts and actions
according to them
and lose this immense feeling of
SATISFACTION
that one can get just by being yourself

At this point - for only a moment maybe
i absolutely dont care about the comments i might get
on this post
but i hope someone read this - and thought about it
just for a Moment maybe
For me its the intentions that matter more
and i saw mine getting a bit clearer
feeling good
I am smiling
Hope you are too :)

PS : Have a great day.

I watch

Sitting by the side i watch it flow, as the waves go high and low. As it finds way across every rock in the way. It begins as a few drops - a few thoughts - some desires. Addition more and less of subtraction - it keeps increasing. Directs itself to the next thing in line - after the mountains, come plains and forests. Mixing in colours of the mud that it flows through - collecting the essence while leaving behind the rocks. Rocks dont move - they have to be left and it has to move ahead. It fell from a height trying to break the rock below - but its not a days work, it takes years. But it could dry up before that, sometimes even before reaching the ocean.

The flooding banks, meandering turns, the violent current and the calm flow. Come and go, its the path that decides and it just flows. It flows ............. and I watch.

Easily Hurt ....

It was nice when we were children - have a fight with anyone - say sorry easily - forgive easily - ego was small. Friends were closer - but then i grew older. Though i thought i was getting stronger - actually my power to 'not' get hurt was reducing.



"How could he do that" - would stay till the next time i wanted to play - but now it leaves scars which take eons to repair. Friendships are but a bit hollower when the heart is scared to get hurt. Close ones have so much power to hurt - but why did they get stronger when i grew older. Mother's shout did hurt that much earlier - but now anger courses when they talk against me ????



Is this the 'PRIDE' of getting older ?



Then to protect from getting hurt - i keep distance - a few handful of those whom i open up to have been given too much a power to hurt me. Dependency of a sort which i hate to lose. Neither can i tolerate differences in opinion.



Little fights have started to stay for so long that i forgot how to forgive and forget and get on with the new day. A new chance to play. Revenge lingers in dark corners - which i have not cleaned for a long time. Dirt of anger stacking in layers on the glass not allowing me to see clearly even in daylight.



I want to return to innocence - when i was stronger.

Desires Play

Its amazing how desires play
Rising and falling they make you sway
How perception changes reality
How care gives way to hostility

How colors change under the thoughts
Under the fear of 'you might get not'
How it fuels anger, hurt and pain
When what you want is not to gain

How the right and wrong blurs distinction
And action follows desire's compulsion
And the intelligent beings with the smartest brain
Become foolish, careless and go insane

The scope of thoughts narrows down to just you
The selfish wants tell you what to do
I did it because i wanted it so
Today is done - next wish - tomorrow

The Plan

We have brains - we can think - we search reason. But is this a necessary condition for a reason to exist.
The Big plan of Universe - how we would love to think there is a big plan being played out. We are the parts towards a meaningful existence. We find comfort in that thought which leads to peace in mind. But then again it this a necessary condition for a reason to exist.
We are evolving - towards ??? towards something which is better than now ?? We are not satisfied with the 'NOW' we never will be. Otherwise we would have never build huge environment changing things for a better life. I use the adjective 'changing' here instead of destroying because i believe that even if we change earth to the brink of non-existence for humans [as we know it] - life will go on. There will be birth - there will be death, maybe not the one that questions and manipulates - but life nonetheless.
So keeping aside the question whether there is really a Universal Plan. I would like to ask - How much better we feel after thinking that it really does? Frankly because we are not going to realize the answer in near future. Maybe we are just moving through a time-space closed tube and soon we will reach where we started and start over again.
So is there a plan? I ask - Does it matter? I dont know - there are theories about whats after death - I can keep faith in one of them and follow. But Does it matter? I will die - maybe there is just a blank screen after that - maybe another journey - maybe a judgment for my deeds - or a free hand to heaven. But Does it matter?
What matters is what i do when i can do them?
So is there a plan? I dont know about the Cosmic one - but there is one i have made for myself - chances are always uncertain if my plan will go through - but that the best i have to live with - and keep making it, refining it and let the Universe worry about its plan.

Waiting to be happy?

Waiting to be happy
Lets try again tomorrow
Maybe it will happen
and i will get over this sorrow

Waiting to be happy
If my wishes come true
I will be thankful that it happened
and i will smile too

Waiting to be happy
if i get what i want
there will be void no more
I try but i cant

Waiting to be happy
If the fight i would win
If the feat i could achieve
If the profit i would gain

Waiting to be happy
and will wait forever
coz the list i made for myself
will end never

Waiting for happiness is not the way
Just be happy is what i would say
The unending list of wants and desires
It starts at your birth - and ends when you expire
So waiting for it makes no sense
You can let them go without expense

Chain of thoughts

Staying alone can be a torture. Especially when it makes you get complacent. You need someone around just to keep a track of your own self. I felt that need in the recent past. Though i am outperforming on the normal fronts of life but still there is this yearning for a different sense of achievement - the one that does not come out of a fight or victory - the one that does not come from the amount on the paycheck or the number of bugs you solved in the office today.
It comes from just coming back to a few smiling faces, and especially on friday nights. I cant complain, i have always been around people, but the last month taught me how difficult it is to stay motivated when you are alone and things are going your way. YES i said 'going your way'. Perhaps that why things dont always go your way. Just to keep you motivated - and what do most of us do with that - get bogged down. Only when there is a challenge is when we exert and come out of the comfort zone - and only there is the true learning.
There are so many things i want to do - but i am not doing it. WHY? because life is going on comfortably - thats one reason i hate comfort - it dulls me, and in general everybody. There are so many things to learn. To make yourself able to do. So many things to experience. I want to get out of this shell i am in - and funnily enough i know what to do - just do :) .
I dont know why this always seems so right in retrospect - but at the correct time i waste it in useless pursuits. The Must do it - Just do it attitude - have lost it somewhere, and i blame it on being alone. But blaming does not get me anywhere - so instead i should try to get over it. And now it feels like i am talking in circles.
I am not trying to make any point here - but am trying to learn to want to learn and then learn. Learning at the end of the day is the only thing i feel we are supposed to be doing - and we die the day we stop it. And frankly it never stops - there is always something to learn. It could be something exotic like an ancient language or something simple as finding a better way to fold sheets.
So in this post i went from loneliness -> complacency -> comfort -> challenges ->learning. If you have reached to this point in the post then i thank you for reading and hope you got the moral of the story - I am damn bored and blabbering the chain of thoughts in my head.

Problems

Sequence of problems - thats what life is - then suddenly for a brief period if you dont have problem - it feels weird - like something is out of place. And you question yourself - is it real? am i missing something? Times like these are so rare that i had almost forgotten to enjoy them.
But i seemed to have accepted the fact that problems will keep coming - one way or the other. It proved to be a great non discourager - well to coin a term. You dont get surprised if you expect something. But is expecting problems cynical? No i dont think so - it more like staying prepared for them. And it would be cynical to give into the problems before they come. I dont have any negative aspect attached to the problems that come my way.
From my experience i have learnt to welcome the problem like a temporary guest in the house. They are the likes of those who make you uncomfortable in your own house and you wait for them to leave. But when they come you cant just close the door on their face. They dont leave till they are satisfied.
Even if it is the greatest of the problems - history is witness - it doesnt stay forever - it just makes room for a new one though :P . But this atleast is a ground to believe that no matter what the problem is - IT WILL GET OVER. Now to answer the most important question which my near and dear ones might be thinking after reading this post - "What is the problem I am stuck with?" - just in case you thought that - i am not in any problem so to speak, its just how it is with everyone. And it is time when you dont have problems then you can analyse the situation from a calm standpoint and see how you have done so far.
Now i probably will start blabbering things - so i will end here. Just learn to enjoy the problem and the process to find the solution - once learnt that - life will be just as much enjoyable. BUT ITS THE LEARNING THATS THE TOUGHEST PART. :D

Unintentional Lesson

Just the other day in the cafeteria i had made a nice huge sandwich to eat. It looked green and clean, though it had chicken and cheese too in it. But in general, compared to other food stuff in the cafeteria it looked healthy. Seeing that one of my friend asked - "Are you healthy eater?"
For a while i was a bit stumped by the question, and in my mind i thought - "Healthy eater?? am I?"
I was not sure how to answer that, not because i had nothing to say to him but because i was asking that question to myself and trying to find the answer. As for him i just said - "yeah, i like to eat good", with a smile and that was it.
I eat junk once in a while - but only when there is no other option. Eating bad is sure a luxury we all use to the max - may it be in the name of taste, habit or just sheer ignorance.
The brains hopping habit - and i starting to think of things i do to my body's distaste - maybe unknowingly.
Do i eat at right time? The right things? In right amounts?
Do i sleep at the right time? In a right way? for a right duration?
Thinking of these things i realized how much i neglect by body. Well i am sure not going to get another one - so am i so confidant with the medical knowledge of our time that it can fix anything [for a price ofcourse]. Or is it just that i have not yet realized the worth of my own body.
I wear specs - have lost the beauty of vision partially, my teeth have cavities - they will be consumed soon. And these are just a few irreplaceable things i have already lost - and how much have i lived. Not as if its the end. Why do i have to drag myself to the border where i need medical attention to get back what was mine.
All said and done what my friend just did was that he made me realize it and i have decided to pay attention towards my body - taking up the responsibility to keep it fit and fine.
Unknowingly though - he helped me - he doesnt know he helped me and also he doesnt know i thank him for that.

One

Its all the same
Its all the one
Separation is illusion
adds to the fun
of finding the answer
that the question was wrong
Its all the same
Its all the one

No analogy to give
or example to say
Nor story to tell
Nor a theory to prove
You ask me then
How to believe you?
Its all the same
Its all the one

The sun in the sky
The stars in the night
The mouse in the ground
The cat thats out
You see with YOUR eyes
You think with YOUR brain
Its all the same
Its all the one

The stone in field
The grass so green
The man that died
and the man that killed
You see the difference
And ask your question
Its all the same
Its all the one

The waves of light
The waves in the sea
The pain, the joy
The happiness, the misery
You feel it all
You want and not
Its all the same
Its all the one

The 'You' the 'Me'
The 'They' the 'He'
Wondering Pondering
on mysteries
Of science, religion
Universe and self
Its all the same
Its all the one

love -> leave

You tie them and cage them - and you say you love them. You search and find them - even if they never wanted you to do that. You watch in awe when they just want to be alone. You tail them you film them and take the awards.

if you love animals
just leave animals

How do you manage to find time?

Earthquakes and fires
Suicidal desires
Bullet from a gun
Misplaces sense of fun
An accident or disease
In war or in peace
A drunk driver
Falling sky scraper
The failed brake
A poisonous snake

At a moment's notice
you are ready or not
it can spring a trap
and you can get caught

And you cant escape
Even if you think you can
And you still find time
To hate another man

The Lake mis-Take

4:16 PM Alex: whatsup?

4:17 PM Sagar: got up - slept - got up - ate - slept - got up - internet

Alex: heheh

awesome

what plans?

4:18 PM lets go to the lake!

Sagar: right now

yes

4:19 PM Alex: yes.. before it gets dark

4:20 PM Sagar: ok you reach there -

i will reach on cycle in 9 minutes 44 seconds

Alex: :P

okays

Sagar: cool see you then

Simple conversation, nice idea and an awesome adventure in stock - thats what was about to happen. The lake seemed to be an awesome place to go with the spring slowly setting in and the temperatures making it pleasant to be at a place like lakes. Sagar reached a bit early on the cycle - feeling fully charged with the fresh breeze that was blowing around the lake.
It was the lake cleaning day - some university student were engaged in picking up trash from around the periphery and a few were boating and reaching out to the places which were on the other side. And a girl playing with her dog - throwing a tennis ball in the lake and making the dog fetch it.

They had never been to the other side although it had been 8 months and several visits to the lake, the other side was still a mystery. As Sagar was taking in the pleasant smiling moments in, Alex arrived.

Alex: How long back did you reach?
Sagar: 15 minutes. This place feels awesome and you should have come a few minutes ago. A pair of swans had reached so close that i could touch them. I took this vide

Alex: Nice.
Sagar: And you know what that dog got into a fight with the swans. It was an awesome sight. The dog was all jumping around and barking and the swan was attacking with its beak.

So then what next?
Alex: Lets walk.

Simple plan - walk for 10 minutes around the lake - then go to GYM and play tennis for a while. But things dont always go according to the plan.

Alex: Have you ever crossed over to the other side.
Sagar: Nopes. Lets check it out.

A little sense of exploration sparked and they started walking along the lake to the other side. The path had already been made by a lot of people walking around the lake. It was a cake walk. And the feel was awesome. One side forest the other side lake and sun slowly setting down. The ducks at a distance in a huge group paddling around.

Sagar: Have you been this far?
Alex: No. First time.
Sagar: I enjoy being around natural places away from man made objects.

Maybe the spirits around the lake were listening. Because although the two were unaware - but between the trees and animals there - those two constituted 100% of animal life there. The spirits smirked - maybe they had seen a bunch of adventurers before heading towards the unexplored regions of the lake.

Sagar: Hey see... so many orange flags. What do you think they were put there for?
Alex: Beats me. May be that tree is of some significance.

It was a unique tree with white bark and white leaves.

Sagar: Impossible - look around there are a hundreds.

That was the first time they observed were amongst a bunch of trees which had a ghostly appearance - white bark - white leaves - drooping downwards and the white colour standing out between the rotting damp and dark trees around them.

The path became a bit tougher - lesser walked upon. But still path was clearly visible. They kept on going ahead. The path rising high - getting narrower at the edge of the lake and then coming back down.

Alex: Hey i found wilson.
Sagar: wilson who?
Alex: That wilson.

Alex pointed out at a brand new volley ball floating at the edge of the lake. Abandoned. It reminded Sagar of movie the cast away. The water, the forest and the volley ball, sort of added up to it. Wondering why it was left behind they took a stick and pulled it out of the lake. Although it was evident why someone might not have come to fetch it in that area. They justified assuming Americans like to waste.

The walk continued - there were massive trees that had fallen recently, because the roots were still holding on to the mud. Walking along the lake among mostly dead rotting trees and leaves they reached a point where the path no longer was feasible to walk.

Alex: thats one steep path.

As he stood next to a near vertical thinking about what to do next. As Sagar came and suggested

Sagar: we can make it if we walk on hands as well as legs.

Three minutes of contemplation in silence and collective foolishness took over individual wisdom.

Sagar: Lets try it out.

With a little it sliding and slipping Sagar was down and Alex followed too. The walk continued and at a distance a duck started shouting in an ominous tone. Sagar felt like it was a warning of some kind but didnt heed it - his scientific brain taking over the intuitive one. Its just a short walk - he thought - We will be out of here in no time.
The spirits were grinning now - it had been quite sometime someone had ventured to that point. But they didnt mean to harm - but enjoyed to see some action in their regions. The path was like a game – you clear one round and you enter the next tougher one. Unaware of their heading Alex and Sagar kept on walking along the lake.

The sun thought of retiring early and in a hurry maybe – it was getting dark. The only two sound there was that of heavy breathing and the rustling of dried, decaying leaves – the remnants of the fall. The soil getting soft and damp and the tree barks soggy. They were entering the marsh – at once Alex thought of frodo walking through the dead swamp and harry through the forbidden forest. They thoughts were eerie.

They saw little streamlets adding water to the lake. There were many, mostly could be crossed with small jumps.

Alex: Can you jump from this point.

Sagar: Lets try. Jeranimooo. Whoa easy Alex.

Sagar 's leg almost went inside when he landed on the other side – the ground was very soft and damp. Things were getting interesting and a little bit sense of urgency was creeping into their minds. They wanted to finish of this walk around the lake asap, and not wait till it gets dark. Alex saw a small tent in the middle of nowhere.

Alex: Hey see just in case someone gets lost here in the night. A tent is made for their convenience.

That thought was more of a disturbance than assurance. The idea of getting lost there was unsettling. They started hurrying on. The small streamlets were growing in size. The next stage of the game was beginning. It was impossible to cross the streams by jumping so they started searching alternate methods. Nature had been benevolent for the first time here. Trees had fallen across the streams just at the right places to walk across. But it was not a walk in the park. The stakes were higher – the stream flowing underneath was flowing rapidly. Sagar had an idea.

Sagar: Lets take a huge stick and use it as a support when we walk across the stream.

The idea was technically sound – they started searching for a long stick. There were many around. Standing at one end Alex inserted the stick in the middle of the stream hoping to make some ground for support – 1 feet, 2 feet, 3 feet – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 . They thought - “Damn this thing is deep”. This little experiment had triggered an exponential rise in the level of adrenaline in their systems. They tried to walk across the trunk on feet but finally ended sitting and crawling across like riding a horse.

But the streams were never ending. Both thought is was time to call it a day and decided to start moving towards a few houses they could see at a distance. But still there was a huge stream between them and the houses. They walked along to find a place to cross it. There was a log kept across the stream properly – as if it was meant for crossing across the stream. But it was not as thick as the last one they had crossed. Horse ride crawling was not easy on this one. Sagar went first. After a metre his balance dwindled – his legs hanging on both sides of the log creating a higher potential for a swing.

Sagar: Alex this is tougher than before. See if you can find another way around. I cant turn around I will have to cross this.

Slowly and steadily Sagar managed to cross over, all the time fully focused on maintaining the balance. On reaching the other side he looked around for Alex – Alex was not in visible but he knew the direction in which he had gone. Sagar started darting in that direction. Searching for Alex he did not see the ivy plants in front and walked straight into them and it welcomed him with all the thorns it had. It was like a trap – any movement to remove a thorn would bring another one close to pierce him. Slowly Sagar got out of it with a torn patch in his pant and cut on hand and the wrist.

Alex had found an easier place to cross the stream. There was relief now – the houses were very close and no other hurdle in the way.

Alex: Hmmm you know what? Now I know what the orange flags meant.

Sagar: And why no one claimed wilson.

Smiles of relief and a pride of a foolish adventurer filled them both. As they walked on the tar road – demeaning the easy choice of travel – but internally glad to be using it. It was nice to feel hard ground under their feet again. Thinking back on things that could have happened – that could have gone wrong was not given a chance to surface by the joking and relief. But they knew not to push limits next time.

Trying their luck

Searching for fame

Seeking some thrill

Or in the name of the game

Adventurers and explorers

Around the world roam

Famous are among those foolish

who manage to return home

Writer's Block

The writer's block
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Hope it ends soon
My thoughts all used up
spent and squeezed out
words only a few left
and i write with doubt
Brain hits its limit
to think, to make
to create, to build
to give, to take.
Used in search of
knowledge i seek
losing the writer
and becoming a geek
but how long will this last
as days go past
My MS will be done
then i will have a blast
When instead of these diagrams
instead of equations
instead of these theories
and all these discoveries
i will find that writer
again in some time
and hope i will write
a better rhyme
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and yes it will be better than this :)