Wishful Thinking I

I want to live in a world where teleportation is something anyone can do :)

Afraid to answer

Fear of the wrong answer - How much we live in that I have realized many times - just today i felt like writing about it. Just in a class i was sitting and like a million times is has happened the instructor/teacher asked a simple question. Maybe there was a bit of confusion in the answer - or maybe i created it in my mind only. I knew the answer (just like 90% of the rest of the class) but still waited for atleast 5 seconds before said it.

Now this was the time when i did speak it out - but there were a million times in the past when i did not do the same - and as i see it now - it was because i was afraid of giving the wrong answer.

This might seem trivial and also a very naturally accepted experience and i dont believe there is anyone out there who has not felt this. But there is so much behind it. This fear of giving the wrong answer is so stupid. So much ego behind not wanting to be wrong. It holds us all back. But really is it worth it?

In the bigger sense - in many ways life itself is a continuous learning class - maybe we keep quiet even in those lessons when life throws a question at us. Sometimes deny the question - sometimes deny the need for the answer. Afraid of being wrong. But all said and done - being wrong is the first step towards being right. Knowing that you are wrong - is the starting point of wanting to be right.

The most knowledgeable accept they donot know it all : The most foolish state that they know it all. Opposite states of reality.

More important things

Career - a means to earn money or simply doing what you want? What is it?

I believe it should be the second one but ends up being the first one. Our decision to do anything in life is so much oriented to be based on how much it fetches us in terms of money. Well it seems its just a natural instinct - only that money is the measure of success now. More money is equated to more capability. But seriously what am i doing with my life - sitting in front of a computer and typing away - typing away almost whole of my life, searching for holes in between where i meet the most important parts of my life - family and friends. Go home tired - just to eat and sleep - maybe see a movie.

All these advancements have dulled human life to the core - we spent so much making a life and there is no time left to have the life that we work so hard for. I should not be the one that complains - i have relatively much easier life than most of the people in the world. But this question comes back again and again to me. Earning money is not THE THING - but still i am spending half of my life for it. It seems ironic.

Then again it is one of my responsibility - towards myself and everyone i love. I must accept it and find a way to do what i want to - while i spend time earning money. Well i think that is the challenge of these times. You my friend would be the most lucky person in the world if you get money for what you love to do, and that was your initial choice. Mostly we have to start to love what we are doing - else there is no other way to sustain it in the long run.

I just re-read all that i wrote above, and it seems to be a cacophony of mixed thoughts. What i want to get to is this - We need money to survive (sad, artificial, unnatural yet true) in today's world. So we work, for someone who pays - to get done what he/she needs. But money is not all - there is more and much more important things. 

Tug of War

Split Apart
The Body and The Heart
Playing a tug of war
with me

When what you want, is dear
Is not around you, not near
The heart tries to fly
The body stays

Pulling me up and down
and to the east and to the west
Splitting me apart
This tug of war

Random train of thoughts

Water the great purifier - as is said in the scriptures. Because at those times polluted water was unheard of - the spirits and energy of the moving water and its purity was pristine. Taking a holy dip meant just that. Painful  - now there is hardly any water which i can simply drink from the stream without a doubt or fear. What are we doing??? What are we getting??? A little convenience at a cost too high to pay.

We think the tribals live a backward life - but in truth they live such a refined life - truly in sync with nature and its forces. No doubt we have  our TV's and Cars and mobile phones and internet - but apart from amusing ourselves - what is the use of all these. And why are you so idle that we have to invent ways to not be bored for doing nothing. Reading a book is a million times better than watching a soap anyday anytime. But no we dont/cant think that.

99% of the things we do are just to amuse ourselves in our free times. Those free times are because we have made daily activities very convenient - intelligence was bestowed on us to get rid of mundane activity  - but the purpose of that being that we use the time thus procured for progress - minute it maybe. Thats why we got intellect from nature while all other creatures are stuck in their activities. But intelligent that we are - we procured time out of mundane activities just to fill them with other stupid activities.

Nature has given the choice and the capacity to only one species - for a very important reason. And we are simply misusing the gift. Give it a thought - given to you is a brain so powerful - for a reason. Employ it rather than entertain it. I bet you will not regret it for sure. :)

Train of thoughts - interesting phrase - i think it is more of wild horses of thoughts. It runs in any direction - unlike trains.

No thinking please

I wish i knew it earlier
I wish i knew it better
I wish i did not hurt you
I wish the road was straighter

I want to change things
I want to correct me
I want to learn from this
I want a better me

I wish I wish I wish I wish
I want I want I want I want

STOOOOOOOOOOP

Now ACT period

Kshanbhar

क्षणभर जीवन नयनात दिसतील
क्षणभर होठ गालात हसतील
सात समुद्र पार असुनही
क्षणभर मिलण वर्षो पुरतील

------------------------------
In English :

A moment, i will see life in eyes
A moment, lips will curl into a smile
Though apart by seven seas
A moment's meeting, for years suffice

The demon i carry - resides in me
If you ever get a chance to see
Will you be the same - or different be ?
and its not just me - Its Everybody .......

I smile - now you smile

Wanna bring a smile on your face today
For a moment maybe
but still writing this post just to do that ........ justified
Wont say i started of thinking about this post
hoping for a lot of people to read it
To comment
then i realised something - something i spoke with
someone recently, we were discussing
WHY facebook is so popular?
Just as in conversation i said - its the feedback
the likes
the comments
thats what drives people
thats why they are addicted to it so much
and the reply came - they all seeks so much external gratification

How much of it do i seek out of this one - I wonder ??????
Though i was trying to write something which
would appeal to someone - some reader and i will get a comment back
YES - i enjoy someone commenting on my posts
But felt bad that it was the comments i was trying to get
not writing my heart out

that saddened me

But i realised that the wish to make someone
SMILE
when they might read this was also one of the motives
that felt comforting
that felt better
better than reading a comment
reason being it came from within myself
MY motive
MY choice

External gratification seems to much more enticing
We wait for someone to acknowledge
Then we mould our thoughts and actions
according to them
and lose this immense feeling of
SATISFACTION
that one can get just by being yourself

At this point - for only a moment maybe
i absolutely dont care about the comments i might get
on this post
but i hope someone read this - and thought about it
just for a Moment maybe
For me its the intentions that matter more
and i saw mine getting a bit clearer
feeling good
I am smiling
Hope you are too :)

PS : Have a great day.

I watch

Sitting by the side i watch it flow, as the waves go high and low. As it finds way across every rock in the way. It begins as a few drops - a few thoughts - some desires. Addition more and less of subtraction - it keeps increasing. Directs itself to the next thing in line - after the mountains, come plains and forests. Mixing in colours of the mud that it flows through - collecting the essence while leaving behind the rocks. Rocks dont move - they have to be left and it has to move ahead. It fell from a height trying to break the rock below - but its not a days work, it takes years. But it could dry up before that, sometimes even before reaching the ocean.

The flooding banks, meandering turns, the violent current and the calm flow. Come and go, its the path that decides and it just flows. It flows ............. and I watch.

Easily Hurt ....

It was nice when we were children - have a fight with anyone - say sorry easily - forgive easily - ego was small. Friends were closer - but then i grew older. Though i thought i was getting stronger - actually my power to 'not' get hurt was reducing.



"How could he do that" - would stay till the next time i wanted to play - but now it leaves scars which take eons to repair. Friendships are but a bit hollower when the heart is scared to get hurt. Close ones have so much power to hurt - but why did they get stronger when i grew older. Mother's shout did hurt that much earlier - but now anger courses when they talk against me ????



Is this the 'PRIDE' of getting older ?



Then to protect from getting hurt - i keep distance - a few handful of those whom i open up to have been given too much a power to hurt me. Dependency of a sort which i hate to lose. Neither can i tolerate differences in opinion.



Little fights have started to stay for so long that i forgot how to forgive and forget and get on with the new day. A new chance to play. Revenge lingers in dark corners - which i have not cleaned for a long time. Dirt of anger stacking in layers on the glass not allowing me to see clearly even in daylight.



I want to return to innocence - when i was stronger.

Desires Play

Its amazing how desires play
Rising and falling they make you sway
How perception changes reality
How care gives way to hostility

How colors change under the thoughts
Under the fear of 'you might get not'
How it fuels anger, hurt and pain
When what you want is not to gain

How the right and wrong blurs distinction
And action follows desire's compulsion
And the intelligent beings with the smartest brain
Become foolish, careless and go insane

The scope of thoughts narrows down to just you
The selfish wants tell you what to do
I did it because i wanted it so
Today is done - next wish - tomorrow

The Plan

We have brains - we can think - we search reason. But is this a necessary condition for a reason to exist.
The Big plan of Universe - how we would love to think there is a big plan being played out. We are the parts towards a meaningful existence. We find comfort in that thought which leads to peace in mind. But then again it this a necessary condition for a reason to exist.
We are evolving - towards ??? towards something which is better than now ?? We are not satisfied with the 'NOW' we never will be. Otherwise we would have never build huge environment changing things for a better life. I use the adjective 'changing' here instead of destroying because i believe that even if we change earth to the brink of non-existence for humans [as we know it] - life will go on. There will be birth - there will be death, maybe not the one that questions and manipulates - but life nonetheless.
So keeping aside the question whether there is really a Universal Plan. I would like to ask - How much better we feel after thinking that it really does? Frankly because we are not going to realize the answer in near future. Maybe we are just moving through a time-space closed tube and soon we will reach where we started and start over again.
So is there a plan? I ask - Does it matter? I dont know - there are theories about whats after death - I can keep faith in one of them and follow. But Does it matter? I will die - maybe there is just a blank screen after that - maybe another journey - maybe a judgment for my deeds - or a free hand to heaven. But Does it matter?
What matters is what i do when i can do them?
So is there a plan? I dont know about the Cosmic one - but there is one i have made for myself - chances are always uncertain if my plan will go through - but that the best i have to live with - and keep making it, refining it and let the Universe worry about its plan.

Waiting to be happy?

Waiting to be happy
Lets try again tomorrow
Maybe it will happen
and i will get over this sorrow

Waiting to be happy
If my wishes come true
I will be thankful that it happened
and i will smile too

Waiting to be happy
if i get what i want
there will be void no more
I try but i cant

Waiting to be happy
If the fight i would win
If the feat i could achieve
If the profit i would gain

Waiting to be happy
and will wait forever
coz the list i made for myself
will end never

Waiting for happiness is not the way
Just be happy is what i would say
The unending list of wants and desires
It starts at your birth - and ends when you expire
So waiting for it makes no sense
You can let them go without expense

Chain of thoughts

Staying alone can be a torture. Especially when it makes you get complacent. You need someone around just to keep a track of your own self. I felt that need in the recent past. Though i am outperforming on the normal fronts of life but still there is this yearning for a different sense of achievement - the one that does not come out of a fight or victory - the one that does not come from the amount on the paycheck or the number of bugs you solved in the office today.
It comes from just coming back to a few smiling faces, and especially on friday nights. I cant complain, i have always been around people, but the last month taught me how difficult it is to stay motivated when you are alone and things are going your way. YES i said 'going your way'. Perhaps that why things dont always go your way. Just to keep you motivated - and what do most of us do with that - get bogged down. Only when there is a challenge is when we exert and come out of the comfort zone - and only there is the true learning.
There are so many things i want to do - but i am not doing it. WHY? because life is going on comfortably - thats one reason i hate comfort - it dulls me, and in general everybody. There are so many things to learn. To make yourself able to do. So many things to experience. I want to get out of this shell i am in - and funnily enough i know what to do - just do :) .
I dont know why this always seems so right in retrospect - but at the correct time i waste it in useless pursuits. The Must do it - Just do it attitude - have lost it somewhere, and i blame it on being alone. But blaming does not get me anywhere - so instead i should try to get over it. And now it feels like i am talking in circles.
I am not trying to make any point here - but am trying to learn to want to learn and then learn. Learning at the end of the day is the only thing i feel we are supposed to be doing - and we die the day we stop it. And frankly it never stops - there is always something to learn. It could be something exotic like an ancient language or something simple as finding a better way to fold sheets.
So in this post i went from loneliness -> complacency -> comfort -> challenges ->learning. If you have reached to this point in the post then i thank you for reading and hope you got the moral of the story - I am damn bored and blabbering the chain of thoughts in my head.

Problems

Sequence of problems - thats what life is - then suddenly for a brief period if you dont have problem - it feels weird - like something is out of place. And you question yourself - is it real? am i missing something? Times like these are so rare that i had almost forgotten to enjoy them.
But i seemed to have accepted the fact that problems will keep coming - one way or the other. It proved to be a great non discourager - well to coin a term. You dont get surprised if you expect something. But is expecting problems cynical? No i dont think so - it more like staying prepared for them. And it would be cynical to give into the problems before they come. I dont have any negative aspect attached to the problems that come my way.
From my experience i have learnt to welcome the problem like a temporary guest in the house. They are the likes of those who make you uncomfortable in your own house and you wait for them to leave. But when they come you cant just close the door on their face. They dont leave till they are satisfied.
Even if it is the greatest of the problems - history is witness - it doesnt stay forever - it just makes room for a new one though :P . But this atleast is a ground to believe that no matter what the problem is - IT WILL GET OVER. Now to answer the most important question which my near and dear ones might be thinking after reading this post - "What is the problem I am stuck with?" - just in case you thought that - i am not in any problem so to speak, its just how it is with everyone. And it is time when you dont have problems then you can analyse the situation from a calm standpoint and see how you have done so far.
Now i probably will start blabbering things - so i will end here. Just learn to enjoy the problem and the process to find the solution - once learnt that - life will be just as much enjoyable. BUT ITS THE LEARNING THATS THE TOUGHEST PART. :D

Unintentional Lesson

Just the other day in the cafeteria i had made a nice huge sandwich to eat. It looked green and clean, though it had chicken and cheese too in it. But in general, compared to other food stuff in the cafeteria it looked healthy. Seeing that one of my friend asked - "Are you healthy eater?"
For a while i was a bit stumped by the question, and in my mind i thought - "Healthy eater?? am I?"
I was not sure how to answer that, not because i had nothing to say to him but because i was asking that question to myself and trying to find the answer. As for him i just said - "yeah, i like to eat good", with a smile and that was it.
I eat junk once in a while - but only when there is no other option. Eating bad is sure a luxury we all use to the max - may it be in the name of taste, habit or just sheer ignorance.
The brains hopping habit - and i starting to think of things i do to my body's distaste - maybe unknowingly.
Do i eat at right time? The right things? In right amounts?
Do i sleep at the right time? In a right way? for a right duration?
Thinking of these things i realized how much i neglect by body. Well i am sure not going to get another one - so am i so confidant with the medical knowledge of our time that it can fix anything [for a price ofcourse]. Or is it just that i have not yet realized the worth of my own body.
I wear specs - have lost the beauty of vision partially, my teeth have cavities - they will be consumed soon. And these are just a few irreplaceable things i have already lost - and how much have i lived. Not as if its the end. Why do i have to drag myself to the border where i need medical attention to get back what was mine.
All said and done what my friend just did was that he made me realize it and i have decided to pay attention towards my body - taking up the responsibility to keep it fit and fine.
Unknowingly though - he helped me - he doesnt know he helped me and also he doesnt know i thank him for that.

One

Its all the same
Its all the one
Separation is illusion
adds to the fun
of finding the answer
that the question was wrong
Its all the same
Its all the one

No analogy to give
or example to say
Nor story to tell
Nor a theory to prove
You ask me then
How to believe you?
Its all the same
Its all the one

The sun in the sky
The stars in the night
The mouse in the ground
The cat thats out
You see with YOUR eyes
You think with YOUR brain
Its all the same
Its all the one

The stone in field
The grass so green
The man that died
and the man that killed
You see the difference
And ask your question
Its all the same
Its all the one

The waves of light
The waves in the sea
The pain, the joy
The happiness, the misery
You feel it all
You want and not
Its all the same
Its all the one

The 'You' the 'Me'
The 'They' the 'He'
Wondering Pondering
on mysteries
Of science, religion
Universe and self
Its all the same
Its all the one

love -> leave

You tie them and cage them - and you say you love them. You search and find them - even if they never wanted you to do that. You watch in awe when they just want to be alone. You tail them you film them and take the awards.

if you love animals
just leave animals

How do you manage to find time?

Earthquakes and fires
Suicidal desires
Bullet from a gun
Misplaces sense of fun
An accident or disease
In war or in peace
A drunk driver
Falling sky scraper
The failed brake
A poisonous snake

At a moment's notice
you are ready or not
it can spring a trap
and you can get caught

And you cant escape
Even if you think you can
And you still find time
To hate another man