life like that

Kshanbhar

2011-12-31T07:56:00.000-08:00

क्षणभर जीवन नयनात दिसतील
क्षणभर होठ गालात हसतील
सात समुद्र पार असुनही
क्षणभर मिलण वर्षो पुरतील

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In English :

A moment, i will see life in eyes
A moment, lips will curl into a smile
Though apart by seven seas
A moment's meeting, for years suffice

2011-10-30T09:43:00.000-07:00

The demon i carry - resides in me
If you ever get a chance to see
Will you be the same - or different be ?
and its not just me - Its Everybody .......

I smile - now you smile

2011-10-25T17:58:00.000-07:00

Wanna bring a smile on your face today
For a moment maybe
but still writing this post just to do that ........ justified
Wont say i started of thinking about this post
hoping for a lot of people to read it
To comment
then i realised something - something i spoke with
someone recently, we were discussing
WHY facebook is so popular?
Just as in conversation i said - its the feedback
the likes
the comments
thats what drives people
thats why they are addicted to it so much
and the reply came - they all seeks so much external gratification

How much of it do i seek out of this one - I wonder ??????
Though i was trying to write something which
would appeal to someone - some reader and i will get a comment back
YES - i enjoy someone commenting on my posts
But felt bad that it was the comments i was trying to get
not writing my heart out

that saddened me

But i realised that the wish to make someone
SMILE
when they might read this was also one of the motives
that felt comforting
that felt better
better than reading a comment
reason being it came from within myself
MY motive
MY choice

External gratification seems to much more enticing
We wait for someone to acknowledge
Then we mould our thoughts and actions
according to them
and lose this immense feeling of
SATISFACTION
that one can get just by being yourself

At this point - for only a moment maybe
i absolutely dont care about the comments i might get
on this post
but i hope someone read this - and thought about it
just for a Moment maybe
For me its the intentions that matter more
and i saw mine getting a bit clearer
feeling good
I am smiling
Hope you are too :)

PS : Have a great day.

I watch

2011-09-29T21:03:00.000-07:00

Sitting by the side i watch it flow, as the waves go high and low. As it finds way across every rock in the way. It begins as a few drops - a few thoughts - some desires. Addition more and less of subtraction - it keeps increasing. Directs itself to the next thing in line - after the mountains, come plains and forests. Mixing in colours of the mud that it flows through - collecting the essence while leaving behind the rocks. Rocks dont move - they have to be left and it has to move ahead. It fell from a height trying to break the rock below - but its not a days work, it takes years. But it could dry up before that, sometimes even before reaching the ocean.

The flooding banks, meandering turns, the violent current and the calm flow. Come and go, its the path that decides and it just flows. It flows ............. and I watch.

Easily Hurt ....

2011-08-08T16:21:00.000-07:00

It was nice when we were children - have a fight with anyone - say sorry easily - forgive easily - ego was small. Friends were closer - but then i grew older. Though i thought i was getting stronger - actually my power to 'not' get hurt was reducing.

"How could he do that" - would stay till the next time i wanted to play - but now it leaves scars which take eons to repair. Friendships are but a bit hollower when the heart is scared to get hurt. Close ones have so much power to hurt - but why did they get stronger when i grew older. Mother's shout did hurt that much earlier - but now anger courses when they talk against me ????

Is this the 'PRIDE' of getting older ?

Then to protect from getting hurt - i keep distance - a few handful of those whom i open up to have been given too much a power to hurt me. Dependency of a sort which i hate to lose. Neither can i tolerate differences in opinion.

Little fights have started to stay for so long that i forgot how to forgive and forget and get on with the new day. A new chance to play. Revenge lingers in dark corners - which i have not cleaned for a long time. Dirt of anger stacking in layers on the glass not allowing me to see clearly even in daylight.

I want to return to innocence - when i was stronger.

Desires Play

2011-08-04T20:58:00.000-07:00

Its amazing how desires play
Rising and falling they make you sway
How perception changes reality
How care gives way to hostility

How colors change under the thoughts
Under the fear of 'you might get not'
How it fuels anger, hurt and pain
When what you want is not to gain

How the right and wrong blurs distinction
And action follows desire's compulsion
And the intelligent beings with the smartest brain
Become foolish, careless and go insane

The scope of thoughts narrows down to just you
The selfish wants tell you what to do
I did it because i wanted it so
Today is done - next wish - tomorrow

The Plan

2011-07-28T10:26:00.000-07:00

We have brains - we can think - we search reason. But is this a necessary condition for a reason to exist.
The Big plan of Universe - how we would love to think there is a big plan being played out. We are the parts towards a meaningful existence. We find comfort in that thought which leads to peace in mind. But then again it this a necessary condition for a reason to exist.
We are evolving - towards ??? towards something which is better than now ?? We are not satisfied with the 'NOW' we never will be. Otherwise we would have never build huge environment changing things for a better life. I use the adjective 'changing' here instead of destroying because i believe that even if we change earth to the brink of non-existence for humans [as we know it] - life will go on. There will be birth - there will be death, maybe not the one that questions and manipulates - but life nonetheless.
So keeping aside the question whether there is really a Universal Plan. I would like to ask - How much better we feel after thinking that it really does? Frankly because we are not going to realize the answer in near future. Maybe we are just moving through a time-space closed tube and soon we will reach where we started and start over again.
So is there a plan? I ask - Does it matter? I dont know - there are theories about whats after death - I can keep faith in one of them and follow. But Does it matter? I will die - maybe there is just a blank screen after that - maybe another journey - maybe a judgment for my deeds - or a free hand to heaven. But Does it matter?
What matters is what i do when i can do them?
So is there a plan? I dont know about the Cosmic one - but there is one i have made for myself - chances are always uncertain if my plan will go through - but that the best i have to live with - and keep making it, refining it and let the Universe worry about its plan.

Waiting to be happy?

2011-07-19T11:14:00.000-07:00

Waiting to be happy
Lets try again tomorrow
Maybe it will happen
and i will get over this sorrow

Waiting to be happy
If my wishes come true
I will be thankful that it happened
and i will smile too

Waiting to be happy
if i get what i want
there will be void no more
I try but i cant

Waiting to be happy
If the fight i would win
If the feat i could achieve
If the profit i would gain

Waiting to be happy
and will wait forever
coz the list i made for myself
will end never

Waiting for happiness is not the way
Just be happy is what i would say
The unending list of wants and desires
It starts at your birth - and ends when you expire
So waiting for it makes no sense
You can let them go without expense

Chain of thoughts

2011-07-15T20:44:00.000-07:00

Staying alone can be a torture. Especially when it makes you get complacent. You need someone around just to keep a track of your own self. I felt that need in the recent past. Though i am outperforming on the normal fronts of life but still there is this yearning for a different sense of achievement - the one that does not come out of a fight or victory - the one that does not come from the amount on the paycheck or the number of bugs you solved in the office today.
It comes from just coming back to a few smiling faces, and especially on friday nights. I cant complain, i have always been around people, but the last month taught me how difficult it is to stay motivated when you are alone and things are going your way. YES i said 'going your way'. Perhaps that why things dont always go your way. Just to keep you motivated - and what do most of us do with that - get bogged down. Only when there is a challenge is when we exert and come out of the comfort zone - and only there is the true learning.
There are so many things i want to do - but i am not doing it. WHY? because life is going on comfortably - thats one reason i hate comfort - it dulls me, and in general everybody. There are so many things to learn. To make yourself able to do. So many things to experience. I want to get out of this shell i am in - and funnily enough i know what to do - just do :) .
I dont know why this always seems so right in retrospect - but at the correct time i waste it in useless pursuits. The Must do it - Just do it attitude - have lost it somewhere, and i blame it on being alone. But blaming does not get me anywhere - so instead i should try to get over it. And now it feels like i am talking in circles.
I am not trying to make any point here - but am trying to learn to want to learn and then learn. Learning at the end of the day is the only thing i feel we are supposed to be doing - and we die the day we stop it. And frankly it never stops - there is always something to learn. It could be something exotic like an ancient language or something simple as finding a better way to fold sheets.
So in this post i went from loneliness -> complacency -> comfort -> challenges ->learning. If you have reached to this point in the post then i thank you for reading and hope you got the moral of the story - I am damn bored and blabbering the chain of thoughts in my head.

Problems

2011-07-15T11:20:00.000-07:00

Sequence of problems - thats what life is - then suddenly for a brief period if you dont have problem - it feels weird - like something is out of place. And you question yourself - is it real? am i missing something? Times like these are so rare that i had almost forgotten to enjoy them.
But i seemed to have accepted the fact that problems will keep coming - one way or the other. It proved to be a great non discourager - well to coin a term. You dont get surprised if you expect something. But is expecting problems cynical? No i dont think so - it more like staying prepared for them. And it would be cynical to give into the problems before they come. I dont have any negative aspect attached to the problems that come my way.
From my experience i have learnt to welcome the problem like a temporary guest in the house. They are the likes of those who make you uncomfortable in your own house and you wait for them to leave. But when they come you cant just close the door on their face. They dont leave till they are satisfied.
Even if it is the greatest of the problems - history is witness - it doesnt stay forever - it just makes room for a new one though :P . But this atleast is a ground to believe that no matter what the problem is - IT WILL GET OVER. Now to answer the most important question which my near and dear ones might be thinking after reading this post - "What is the problem I am stuck with?" - just in case you thought that - i am not in any problem so to speak, its just how it is with everyone. And it is time when you dont have problems then you can analyse the situation from a calm standpoint and see how you have done so far.
Now i probably will start blabbering things - so i will end here. Just learn to enjoy the problem and the process to find the solution - once learnt that - life will be just as much enjoyable. BUT ITS THE LEARNING THATS THE TOUGHEST PART. :D

Unintentional Lesson

2011-06-16T13:36:00.000-07:00

Just the other day in the cafeteria i had made a nice huge sandwich to eat. It looked green and clean, though it had chicken and cheese too in it. But in general, compared to other food stuff in the cafeteria it looked healthy. Seeing that one of my friend asked - "Are you healthy eater?"
For a while i was a bit stumped by the question, and in my mind i thought - "Healthy eater?? am I?"
I was not sure how to answer that, not because i had nothing to say to him but because i was asking that question to myself and trying to find the answer. As for him i just said - "yeah, i like to eat good", with a smile and that was it.
I eat junk once in a while - but only when there is no other option. Eating bad is sure a luxury we all use to the max - may it be in the name of taste, habit or just sheer ignorance.
The brains hopping habit - and i starting to think of things i do to my body's distaste - maybe unknowingly.
Do i eat at right time? The right things? In right amounts?
Do i sleep at the right time? In a right way? for a right duration?
Thinking of these things i realized how much i neglect by body. Well i am sure not going to get another one - so am i so confidant with the medical knowledge of our time that it can fix anything [for a price ofcourse]. Or is it just that i have not yet realized the worth of my own body.
I wear specs - have lost the beauty of vision partially, my teeth have cavities - they will be consumed soon. And these are just a few irreplaceable things i have already lost - and how much have i lived. Not as if its the end. Why do i have to drag myself to the border where i need medical attention to get back what was mine.
All said and done what my friend just did was that he made me realize it and i have decided to pay attention towards my body - taking up the responsibility to keep it fit and fine.
Unknowingly though - he helped me - he doesnt know he helped me and also he doesnt know i thank him for that.

One

2011-06-15T15:40:00.000-07:00

Its all the same
Its all the one
Separation is illusion
adds to the fun
of finding the answer
that the question was wrong
Its all the same
Its all the one

No analogy to give
or example to say
Nor story to tell
Nor a theory to prove
You ask me then
How to believe you?
Its all the same
Its all the one

The sun in the sky
The stars in the night
The mouse in the ground
The cat thats out
You see with YOUR eyes
You think with YOUR brain
Its all the same
Its all the one

The stone in field
The grass so green
The man that died
and the man that killed
You see the difference
And ask your question
Its all the same
Its all the one

The waves of light
The waves in the sea
The pain, the joy
The happiness, the misery
You feel it all
You want and not
Its all the same
Its all the one

The 'You' the 'Me'
The 'They' the 'He'
Wondering Pondering
on mysteries
Of science, religion
Universe and self
Its all the same
Its all the one

love -> leave

2011-06-08T17:32:00.000-07:00

You tie them and cage them - and you say you love them. You search and find them - even if they never wanted you to do that. You watch in awe when they just want to be alone. You tail them you film them and take the awards.

if you love animals
just leave animals

How do you manage to find time?

2011-03-12T19:53:00.000-08:00

Earthquakes and fires
Suicidal desires
Bullet from a gun
Misplaces sense of fun
An accident or disease
In war or in peace
A drunk driver
Falling sky scraper
The failed brake
A poisonous snake

At a moment's notice
you are ready or not
it can spring a trap
and you can get caught

And you cant escape
Even if you think you can
And you still find time
To hate another man

The Lake mis-Take

2011-03-09T08:04:00.000-08:00

4:16 PM Alex: whatsup?

4:17 PM Sagar: got up - slept - got up - ate - slept - got up - internet

Alex: heheh

awesome

what plans?

4:18 PM lets go to the lake!

Sagar: right now

yes

4:19 PM Alex: yes.. before it gets dark

4:20 PM Sagar: ok you reach there -

i will reach on cycle in 9 minutes 44 seconds

Alex: :P

okays

Sagar: cool see you then

Simple conversation, nice idea and an awesome adventure in stock - thats what was about to happen. The lake seemed to be an awesome place to go with the spring slowly setting in and the temperatures making it pleasant to be at a place like lakes. Sagar reached a bit early on the cycle - feeling fully charged with the fresh breeze that was blowing around the lake.
It was the lake cleaning day - some university student were engaged in picking up trash from around the periphery and a few were boating and reaching out to the places which were on the other side. And a girl playing with her dog - throwing a tennis ball in the lake and making the dog fetch it.

They had never been to the other side although it had been 8 months and several visits to the lake, the other side was still a mystery. As Sagar was taking in the pleasant smiling moments in, Alex arrived.

Alex: How long back did you reach?
Sagar: 15 minutes. This place feels awesome and you should have come a few minutes ago. A pair of swans had reached so close that i could touch them. I took this vide

Alex: Nice.
Sagar: And you know what that dog got into a fight with the swans. It was an awesome sight. The dog was all jumping around and barking and the swan was attacking with its beak.

So then what next?
Alex: Lets walk.

Simple plan - walk for 10 minutes around the lake - then go to GYM and play tennis for a while. But things dont always go according to the plan.

Alex: Have you ever crossed over to the other side.
Sagar: Nopes. Lets check it out.

A little sense of exploration sparked and they started walking along the lake to the other side. The path had already been made by a lot of people walking around the lake. It was a cake walk. And the feel was awesome. One side forest the other side lake and sun slowly setting down. The ducks at a distance in a huge group paddling around.

Sagar: Have you been this far?
Alex: No. First time.
Sagar: I enjoy being around natural places away from man made objects.

Maybe the spirits around the lake were listening. Because although the two were unaware - but between the trees and animals there - those two constituted 100% of animal life there. The spirits smirked - maybe they had seen a bunch of adventurers before heading towards the unexplored regions of the lake.

Sagar: Hey see... so many orange flags. What do you think they were put there for?
Alex: Beats me. May be that tree is of some significance.

It was a unique tree with white bark and white leaves.

Sagar: Impossible - look around there are a hundreds.

That was the first time they observed were amongst a bunch of trees which had a ghostly appearance - white bark - white leaves - drooping downwards and the white colour standing out between the rotting damp and dark trees around them.

The path became a bit tougher - lesser walked upon. But still path was clearly visible. They kept on going ahead. The path rising high - getting narrower at the edge of the lake and then coming back down.

Alex: Hey i found wilson.
Sagar: wilson who?
Alex: That wilson.

Alex pointed out at a brand new volley ball floating at the edge of the lake. Abandoned. It reminded Sagar of movie the cast away. The water, the forest and the volley ball, sort of added up to it. Wondering why it was left behind they took a stick and pulled it out of the lake. Although it was evident why someone might not have come to fetch it in that area. They justified assuming Americans like to waste.

The walk continued - there were massive trees that had fallen recently, because the roots were still holding on to the mud. Walking along the lake among mostly dead rotting trees and leaves they reached a point where the path no longer was feasible to walk.

Alex: thats one steep path.

As he stood next to a near vertical thinking about what to do next. As Sagar came and suggested

Sagar: we can make it if we walk on hands as well as legs.

Three minutes of contemplation in silence and collective foolishness took over individual wisdom.

Sagar: Lets try it out.

With a little it sliding and slipping Sagar was down and Alex followed too. The walk continued and at a distance a duck started shouting in an ominous tone. Sagar felt like it was a warning of some kind but didnt heed it - his scientific brain taking over the intuitive one. Its just a short walk - he thought - We will be out of here in no time.
The spirits were grinning now - it had been quite sometime someone had ventured to that point. But they didnt mean to harm - but enjoyed to see some action in their regions. The path was like a game – you clear one round and you enter the next tougher one. Unaware of their heading Alex and Sagar kept on walking along the lake.

The sun thought of retiring early and in a hurry maybe – it was getting dark. The only two sound there was that of heavy breathing and the rustling of dried, decaying leaves – the remnants of the fall. The soil getting soft and damp and the tree barks soggy. They were entering the marsh – at once Alex thought of frodo walking through the dead swamp and harry through the forbidden forest. They thoughts were eerie.

They saw little streamlets adding water to the lake. There were many, mostly could be crossed with small jumps.

Alex: Can you jump from this point.

Sagar: Lets try. Jeranimooo. Whoa easy Alex.

Sagar 's leg almost went inside when he landed on the other side – the ground was very soft and damp. Things were getting interesting and a little bit sense of urgency was creeping into their minds. They wanted to finish of this walk around the lake asap, and not wait till it gets dark. Alex saw a small tent in the middle of nowhere.

Alex: Hey see just in case someone gets lost here in the night. A tent is made for their convenience.

That thought was more of a disturbance than assurance. The idea of getting lost there was unsettling. They started hurrying on. The small streamlets were growing in size. The next stage of the game was beginning. It was impossible to cross the streams by jumping so they started searching alternate methods. Nature had been benevolent for the first time here. Trees had fallen across the streams just at the right places to walk across. But it was not a walk in the park. The stakes were higher – the stream flowing underneath was flowing rapidly. Sagar had an idea.

Sagar: Lets take a huge stick and use it as a support when we walk across the stream.

The idea was technically sound – they started searching for a long stick. There were many around. Standing at one end Alex inserted the stick in the middle of the stream hoping to make some ground for support – 1 feet, 2 feet, 3 feet – 4 – 5 – 6 – 7 – 8 . They thought - “Damn this thing is deep”. This little experiment had triggered an exponential rise in the level of adrenaline in their systems. They tried to walk across the trunk on feet but finally ended sitting and crawling across like riding a horse.

But the streams were never ending. Both thought is was time to call it a day and decided to start moving towards a few houses they could see at a distance. But still there was a huge stream between them and the houses. They walked along to find a place to cross it. There was a log kept across the stream properly – as if it was meant for crossing across the stream. But it was not as thick as the last one they had crossed. Horse ride crawling was not easy on this one. Sagar went first. After a metre his balance dwindled – his legs hanging on both sides of the log creating a higher potential for a swing.

Sagar: Alex this is tougher than before. See if you can find another way around. I cant turn around I will have to cross this.

Slowly and steadily Sagar managed to cross over, all the time fully focused on maintaining the balance. On reaching the other side he looked around for Alex – Alex was not in visible but he knew the direction in which he had gone. Sagar started darting in that direction. Searching for Alex he did not see the ivy plants in front and walked straight into them and it welcomed him with all the thorns it had. It was like a trap – any movement to remove a thorn would bring another one close to pierce him. Slowly Sagar got out of it with a torn patch in his pant and cut on hand and the wrist.

Alex had found an easier place to cross the stream. There was relief now – the houses were very close and no other hurdle in the way.

Alex: Hmmm you know what? Now I know what the orange flags meant.

Sagar: And why no one claimed wilson.

Smiles of relief and a pride of a foolish adventurer filled them both. As they walked on the tar road – demeaning the easy choice of travel – but internally glad to be using it. It was nice to feel hard ground under their feet again. Thinking back on things that could have happened – that could have gone wrong was not given a chance to surface by the joking and relief. But they knew not to push limits next time.

Trying their luck

Searching for fame

Seeking some thrill

Or in the name of the game

Adventurers and explorers

Around the world roam

Famous are among those foolish

who manage to return home

Writer's Block

2011-02-28T19:39:00.000-08:00

The writer's block
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Hope it ends soon
My thoughts all used up
spent and squeezed out
words only a few left
and i write with doubt
Brain hits its limit
to think, to make
to create, to build
to give, to take.
Used in search of
knowledge i seek
losing the writer
and becoming a geek
but how long will this last
as days go past
My MS will be done
then i will have a blast
When instead of these diagrams
instead of equations
instead of these theories
and all these discoveries
i will find that writer
again in some time
and hope i will write
a better rhyme
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and yes it will be better than this :)

Icarus Verilog works - IV

2010-12-18T00:08:00.000-08:00

The curtains raised and the scene started. My small conversation with you gave me only that small hint that i was able to perceive from you. So "Not them" - hoping that my inference was right. Actually you gave me no indications whether i was right or wrong.

That made me wonder - how many times i did things "For Them"? Didnt speak up thinking what "They" will think? Didnt help out someone because "They" thought it was uncool? Tried to get along with "Them" trying to appease "Them" when i did not want to.

I thought of the times i made someone innocent suffer - mostly my dear ones because of "Them". "They" had no business in mine but i let "Them" interfere. Why should I?

I asked the question and half the crowd vanished from the audience. Most of the people i only knew by faces and names only had gone. I feel lighter now a bit more confidant. There are lesser sets of eyes staring at my actions. I can see my friends and family and that mysterious fellow in the corner shadows.

Oh - i see now - not them but isnt the actor supposed to be acting for the audience. I look at you - i know you can hear my thoughts. You smile and shake your head saying no. That could mean so many things. Are they not the audience - so then whom am i supposed to be acting for - why am i on the stage in the first place. With that ever calming smile you point at me.

Before i can think about it a group of black figures surround me. I can guess their intentions were to harm me. I start defending - pushing them away - they come one at a time in the beginning and then in groups. What they want is not clear. But there was no room for my thoughts with them around. I was struggling to clear them off - and completely forgot what was happening. So involved in the process that i forgot it was a play - i forgot i was on stage - i forgot that it is not real.

Zen flute house - III

2010-12-11T16:15:00.000-08:00

You look at me with the same calm as ever. You know my questions - and you know the answers as well. But somehow i get the idea you are not going to tell me. You like puzzles dont you?

Without a word you pointed at the crowd - the spot light was not on now - i could see the crowd. Almost all of them i knew - atleast by face. There were those whom i met recently sitting in the front row. And i could notice that their distance from me was not only the number of rows of chairs but in effect as well.

My dearest ones were given a special seat. They could see me more clearly than others. I smiled.

There was one in the corner, not visible - i could feel that i knew that person but still couldnt figure out. You pointed at all but that person and shook your head as if saying no.

Ok now you are playing dumb-charades with me. So what was that - "Not Them" is it? You smile again.

It tastes the same - II

2010-12-09T06:36:00.000-08:00

The music was ominious - indicating something bad was about to happen. There were so many indications to me to do something - but what??

I looked around surveyed the stage - the things that were there. And then suddenly i became aware of the host of pairs of eyes looking at me from the audience. Though not yet visible due to the high intensity spotlight - but definitely i was visible to all of them.

Fear - the one i despised started to take control - voices in my head spoke - "What if i make a fool of myself?" - "What might they be thinking?" - "Am i doing the right thing?" - "Am i good enough to do this?". With each question confidence dwindled - thoughts became hazy. It was becoming difficult to understand what is happening. But there was no escape.

Another character in the play attacked - perhaps thats what i assume he did when he hurled a crimson coloured ball at me - To catch or not to catch. Am i supposed to catch it?

In fear i dodged - there was laughter; was it that i heard from the background - what had i done? Maybe i was supposed to catch it .... then suddenly a voice from the crowd cheered for me - i knew the voice - it was full of confidence - were they too in the crowd. They had to be - for the voice was definitely the one i knew.

I was amazed at the effect of that sound. My heart was strengthened - they were in the crowd - watching me - supporting me - a new confidence arose and i felt lighter. Amused at my reaction - suddenly i was not scared anymore. But the music had stopped ...... The curtains fell and you were standing next to me.....

Apple juice from China - I

2010-12-08T08:41:00.000-08:00

Spoke too soon, did I? Perhaps you didnt like it. But I was not challenging or complaining or mocking. Surprised - yes, you had never been so easy on me lately, so the change of attitude was definitely a difference that I felt. You know how much I know you - not as much as you know me definitely but still I am trying to understand, bit by bit.

Fear you say - no I shall do my best to not let it take control. Its a waste feeling - never helped me. Some say it is basic to survival - but then is survival basic to existence? Agnostic about it - a bit against the idea of fear being useful but then again we live in a relative world.

I used to feel that there is supposed to be, or rather can be a smooth relationship between us. But simply the idea is only because I wanted it that way and has no bearing to how it is actually supposed to be. The more I try to understand the more my fantasies are broken as reality comes forth slowly. And I realise the perfection of things as they are - as they always were.

The stage is perfectly set - you have done all the hard work to set it up for me. Though my script is missing. And when I ask you for it - you simply smile. The smile is a mixture of mocking, understanding, explaining and the one of faith at the same time. You must have seen so many like me before. I felt you are waiting for my act too - maybe you know what is on stage and what is going to happen - maybe you dont.

But you show faith and you never stop smiling. As I stand at the centre stage the curtains are just about to rise - An actor without the script of even the knowledge of plot. The ending unknown - the curtains rise.

The bright light focussing on me - my pupils contract and I am unable to see what is in front. All I have is the light, your faith in me and myself. I close my eyes - take a deep breath. And open my eyes ............

A == B ?

2010-12-06T10:54:00.000-08:00

Of the saints and sinner
Who is more cleaner

He who walks and prays
all his days
or the one who kills
and the void he fills

If objective be separated from action
In the end we all seek satisfaction
One finds in prayer
One becomes a slayer

I dont want to die so i despise
the methods that the slayer tries

Its just that the reality
i perceive as i want it to be
The truth thats so hard to see
is something different maybe

Back to business :)

2010-12-02T09:16:00.000-08:00

Its been so long blogging - feels good
The feel of the keys on my fingers when i am not trying to write a code
or trying to finish my assignment or a project
Letting the thoughts roll and my fingers following them
WOW......

Nothing particular on my mind though ....
Just looking at the story being unfold
One day at a time - enjoying every second of what life is giving me
It used to throw things at me earlier - checking if i can catch it or get hurt in the process
It has stopped that
maybe only for sometime now
or maybe for a change it is handing things in my hand
But i know this is one thing it hates to do

I enjoyed playing the game every single time
and waiting for the next round
But this time better prepared than the last round

I guess...........

Life has an unusual way to disappoint and surprise me -- but i wont be at all surprised if it does that again ------ [oxymoron]

Well thats how it is... :)

Wait and watch

2010-10-16T14:46:00.000-07:00

Just a glance that i miss
Dont know if it exists
Not a dream or desire
Nor burning in the fire
Looking at the story unfold
waiting for it to be told
enjoying my way
through the night and the day
let the mystery remain
will i lose or will i gain?
Its the illusion of things
that attachment brings
In the mirror i see
The man is smiling at me
what tomorrow will bring
tomorrow we shall see ...

One step ahead - and a look back

2010-10-11T12:30:00.000-07:00

A : Why is this happening to me? Life cant you take some time off from stabbing at me? Oh God.... when will this end? I hate this ..... I dont know what to do .... i dont know what will happen ..

B : Relax it all gonna be alright.

A : What the .. ? Who are you and how did you come into my room? And why the hell do you look like me?

B : Relax i am you from the future.

A : How can it be - you look so happy? My life is in the dumpster.

B : I am from the time you - i mean I - will have overcome them all.

A : So this all will be over?

B : I think it is safe to assume so - believe me i am from there. And i am looking at you right now and realizing all this fussing out was so useless. I feel there was no need for all of this. But well if you think you must - you must.

-------------- XXXXXXXXXXXX ------------------

Has anyone felt like this after overcoming any problem?

It has invariably happened with me that bad times got over and then i felt - Was all the cribbing - sadness - negativity and all the pain really required when it was all going to end anyway? So i thought the next time i am going to be in a dead situation - instead of being sad that it is - i will be happy for the times yet to come when i would have had overcome it. Definitely doesnt solve anything - but clips one negative cycle out of my life - a little less time being sad and a little less time being down.

Worth it ??????

You see being sad or happy has nothing to do with changing the situation in which you are? What changes it is your actions? Being sad draws out too much energy to leave something out for effective action. So next time i am going to be stuck in life - i am going to be happy instead - happy so that i get the energy to change what i want to - not because i dont care - but actually because i do.

To live means to die

2010-10-08T12:46:00.000-07:00

To live means to die

- with no regrets in the heart
- no sorrow of the past
- no hatred or ill will
- no dreams unlived
- with no reasons to be sad
- no grudges you might have had
- no revenge of any scar
- no worries in the heart
- no anxiety in your mind
- no burden left behind
+ with a smile on your face
- no memories of disgrace
- no moments you regret
- no people you want to forget
+ only love in your heart
+ only smile for the past
+ only thankful for what has been
+ for all the treasures you have seen
+ only calm in the eyes
- with no fears - no lies

Till you die this way
You shall live to see another day

Moments that made me smile I

2010-09-24T17:32:00.000-07:00

SS: hi aanle ka files?

me: ho

SS: jabasdast thanks :)

wats ur account number of BOA

me: arey its just (0.75*3)*1.0775

you want to do a bank to bank transfer for that\

SS: yes

money is everthing :P

me: ok then buy me 2 burgers next week

and we will be even

just an option

SS: ok...

me: :)

SS: ur choice

me: food is everything for me :)

he he

SS: hehe

Zindagi Hasin Hai

2010-08-23T19:31:00.000-07:00

Bheed mein akela lekin tanha nahi
Hazaro Raasto mein ghar hai kahi
Logon ki bheed mein dost hai kayi
Naye hai raahey manzil hai nayi

Chahta hu saath kuch aur logon ka
Jinkey saath seekha hai matlab zindagi ka
Kuch unki hasi mein bhi hass lu
Kuch unkey gam mein bhi ro lu

Zindagi tu hasin hai?
Ya mera nazaria?
Kyun sochu yeh main?
Zindagi tu hasin hai.

How to make a virtual environment..

2010-08-16T15:43:00.000-07:00

After seeing the google's street view I wished to make a similiar thing for my own house. So that i can share with my friends and family the pictures of my new house in North Carolina State University in a different way. So i just came up with this way - i made some scripts using which you can easily generate the html pages.

To check out my first website go to : http://myhouseatncsu.webs.com/home.html

If you too want to make this one just follow these steps :

1) First of all take the pics of the house in a systematic manner - so that for each view has a pic that corresponds to what you would see if you turn right - left - take a step in front and take a step back.

2) Download the following two scripts :
http://www.sugarsync.com/pf/D069697_60_054175538 -- csv_gen.pl
http://www.sugarsync.com/pf/D069697_60_054175667 -- html_gen.pl

3) For these scripts to run you will need perl : you can download it from www.activestate.com/activeperl/downloads

4) Install perl : its just a matter of double clicking and following the steps.

5) After downloading the scripts : type in your dos command prompt [which you can get by pressing windows-R and run 'cmd' in it]
perl csv_gen.pl

Enter the name of the first pic : put the name of the starting point of your virtualization. Please put the first pics name as home and also rename the first pic to home.jpg

This is the name of the pic without the .jpg extension.
Continue answering the questions that follow and it will help you generate an html file with the name pic_layout.csv.

6) Then run the other script : perl html_gen.pl

While entering the paths - please enter the full paths for the directories to the locations where your pics are and the place where you want to store the generated html files.

When asked for the csv file enter the pic_layout [this was the file generated by csv_gen.pl]

7) All your html files are ready - just click any of the html files generated and you are good to go :).

I will write about hosting it online later. Because it is a lot of thing for the same post. :)
Please shoot me with any questions you have :) i will be glad to give you answers if that helps you get your environment virtualized. :)

These can be used for showing ways to people to reach your place - or it can be used to show your workplace to friends or colleges to friends.

Resources:
http://www.tizag.com/ -- for tutorials into html and perl
perl - www.activestate.com/activeperl/downloads
imagination - native to me and to you too

Have you observed that :-

2010-08-13T14:24:00.000-07:00

If i cry -
the tears make it difficult to see
clearly what is in front of me

I-M-U-N-U-R-I

2010-08-08T15:40:00.000-07:00

You will see it if you try
I M U N U R I

From a distance

2010-08-04T15:20:00.000-07:00

Have you ever seen yourself from a distance?

Your own smiles - your sadness - your goals - your beliefs - your faith - your existence.

Abstraction gives the power of detachment from yourself. Chance to see yourself from a different point of view. A chance to see yourself from an unbiased way - free from all the chains of your own desire - your own wishes - your own drives - your own concepts.

I see myself and and from a distance i cant help but smile - calm spreads in me whenever i do that - i see myself playing a game where my desires guide me - so much control they have on me that they decide whether i smile or frown - does a tear roll down - or i shout in anger. Do i cry or laugh - i see myself so much tied in these.

But even this has a fun of its own - to see the mind play games of jealousy and hate - of anger and pain - of joy and happiness. From a distance they seem so meaningless - but i cant stay that way too long. I have to return to being me. But every trip to that place gives me strength to overcome whatever i am facing - or always enhanced the happiness i am feeling.

At the end i realize i can take back my independence from all the vagaries that bother me. But not yet found a way to do that - from a distance i see it possible - back to myself i loose the sight of the way. From a distance i dont feel the pain of a loss coz i leave behind the desire to have it - from a distance i see all the fear melting away - from a distance the happiness seems so always present but i deny myself that all the time.

From a distance i see what i can be - but then return to being me........

He found ANGELs

2010-08-02T13:44:00.000-07:00

A child was born
with a simple dream
To meet the angels
that nobody had seen

He searched the playground
He searched in the rain
He searched the temples
but all in vain

There is no such thing,
as Angels he was told
But never he stopped believing
even when he grew old

He questioned every person
He searched in every book
He searched in every corner
on the road that his like took

He stopped one day and thought
what was he trying to find
Like the morning's ray on a dew drop
The answer he realised

His heart filled with warmth
His face with a smile
And sillyness of finding answer
which was there all the while

The next time he saw, he said
"I found you in the end"
With a smile on his face
He was looking at his friend.

No Way Back

2010-08-01T07:11:00.000-07:00

i used to play
in garden all day
but somehow i began
to walk away
to place i thought
was a better one
with things that i thought
would be more fun
my need were met
but the greeds on rise
i took what i liked
didnt care for the price
I kept building

development it was called

destruction masked

in a creationist call

The road i took

took me far away

from the place

where once i use to play

But i want to go back

and be there again

I see my mistake

I feel the pain

I turn around

i seek the way

i see i have burnt the bridge

that would take me there

God loves atheists

2010-07-30T19:01:00.000-07:00

You take care -
i ask more
You try to give -
i complain
i dont get
i get angry
i beg to You
You make arrangements -
if You delay -
i frown
ENOUGH . . . . . .
From now on there is one person less that you have to be tensed about :)
Love You

PS : God must be loving atheists - they dont pester him, just mind their own businesses :P

2010-07-29T08:58:00.000-07:00

Happiness is not much more than simple 'DESIRE' Management.

How different

2010-07-26T18:39:00.000-07:00

In a new country

In a new place

With new people

With new race

With different faces

and different names

With different culture

and different games

I look around to see this all

In amazement as i explored more

I saw a place i had

already seen before

Though all the difference

And all the newness too

The sky above me

was still the same blue.

Does your answer change?

2010-06-29T01:22:00.000-07:00

This is going to be my first interactive post. By that i mean i am going to interact with you :) [Height of redundancy]

Let me begin with asking you a question - If i say that after TODAY things are going to change and you have no way to escape it. You have no idea how the change is going to be - Will it make things better - will it make things worse - or it will not change anything for YOU. How would you feel about the change ?
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Pause a while - think - proceed
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Would you feel afraid of the unknown? Would you feel anxious? Would you be curious? Would you give in to the fear of change and want to avoid the change? Or you would welcome it? Let me remind you that you have absolutely no idea what the change is going to be like?

Without the knowledge of any variable whatsoever involved, the probability of it being good/bad/neutral stand equally poised at 1/3 , 1/3 and 1/3. But still having this logical knowledge about the event - what is the feeling you get?

You want to avoid it - You look forward to it - You dont care about it ????

Please answer this for yourself now - How do you feel about that change which is going to happen and you have no idea about its effects?
Give it a serious thought before scrolling down.
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Now replace TODAY with DEATH. Does your answer change?

Back to the city

2010-06-25T06:27:00.000-07:00

Am back to the city
Where there are few rules on the road
But alas there is no hurry
everything is close by

Am back to the city
less money - lesser ways to destroy
fewer ambitions maybe
but content with their lives

Am back to the city
i grew in and left for behind
for riches and better prospects
somewhere else i shall find

and on the way are people
like me who have seen the rest
who will try to make the city "BETTER"
thinking they know the best

i will show them fun
i will show them comfort
i will make them want it all
i will buy their land
i will sell them that
i will see the city fall

It will become big
it will become crowded
It will progress and we will believe
that the small city i used to live
this is its fate
that is meant to be

wish i could stay
in a simple way
knowing my neighbour's name
will share some sweets
will feel good they are there
and they shall feel the same

I dont need the big tower
I dont need the big shop
I dont need the big roads
Where people loose their hearts

I dont need the money
I dont need the comfort
I dont need the city
Where neighbours live apart

Poor Shani Dev

2010-04-07T01:22:00.000-07:00

If anyone knows a bit about indian astrology then they probably are aware of the dreaded planet called 'SHANI'. For those who dont - it goes like this. When this planet is strong in one's horoscope it is said that all bad things will happen in the life of the person and in case of most people this planet moves into a strong position atleast once in his/her lifetime. And during all this time due to the effect of the planet the following might occur :

1) Loss of opportunity
2) Accident
3) Mental unrest
4) Getting into bad habits
5) All sorts of troubles
6) Failures from all directions
7) Bad new from everywhere
etc etc etc - the list can go on. Basically a life of mess. [If you are to believe in this concept]

Well then i would like to consider this - say the planet is affecting you or in general any person in a bad way then i just pity the plight of the 'SHANI' itself. See if you follow a little bit of analogy here - physics says every action has an equal reaction and also there is a spiritual law that states - everything you do comes back to you in time. Well then i have a certain base to believe that if 'SHANI' is affecting my life negatively then definitely i am making his life hell at the same time. And to think that there are millions of being around and even if we say that 10% of them are being negatively affected by 'SHANI' - then i can not even imagine how miserable it must be for 'SHANI'.[For disambiguation :: i am treating 'SHANI' as a person because in indian mythology the planet is a god with the same name] That must be one miserable state to be in.

Sorry god 'SHANI' for all the miseries in my life which you have caused or in future are going to. :P

PS : Indian astrology believes that gravitational effects from the planets affects people on earth. If this is held to be true then the action reaction thing definitely holds true too. Gravitation is pretty much a verified concept.

But for how long???

2010-03-17T20:51:00.000-07:00

You made me run
You made me chase
You stopped me, blocked off
all my ways
But for how long???

You took away my chances
You made me lose
You left me with no options
when i wanted to chose
But for how long???

You erected walls
You dug up holes
But i am getting better
at crossing those
So for how long???

Its just matter of time
and i'll be there
Not 'AGAINST' you
But 'FOR' what i care

You stand your ground
For mine i'll fight
I may win
or lose i might

I will walk my way
I will sing my song
Try to stop me if you want
But for how long???

PS : - I wrote the poem in a particular mood - but when i reread it - i found it could be interpreted in different ways than what i thought of it - the "But for how long???" question was asked in a mocking defiant mood and not in the desparate, hopeless one.

I GET A NAIVETY HIT .....

2010-03-10T00:36:00.000-08:00

"Donot fall in there" - i was shouting to myself, i was trying hard. I had fallen in there earlier - it was dark in there - it was confusing and restless there. I never wanted it again - but still at the sight of it i get drawn to it. It has some wierd sort of gravity maybe which is very strong and as i try to go away - my very actions seem to be the reason of my fall. I sometimes laugh at myself for not being strong. I sometimes shout for being so weak. It pops out of nowhere and at anytime. I know i get out everytime i fall - but this time i'd rather avoid the trouble altogether.

The darkness in there leaves it to my imagination to draw lines and pictures. And believe me drawing a colourful picture there has always been difficult. The fears get a chance to come out there - and they are like the worst ones to let have the control of imagination. For one thing they are invariably wrong and have a self multiplying tendency. The lines and shapes always draw a murky picture - something i would have never thought - something that i would have never drawn. My weakness gives them strength to start making their own pictures.

First i loath - then i question - then i wonder - and in the darkness when that is all i am seeing i start to feel they are making sense. And keep looking.

The illusions get strong - i start hearing voices, their volumes getting louder and louder. I could shout at them to shut up. But i dont till they drown my own voice which was guiding me all the while. I start to believe in them and the stories they tell - they lie - and have fun at my reactions. I can see the smiles at the corner of their lips - their grin getting broader at my misery. They seem to enjoy it so much.

I get tired and angry. I know its not the truth and i want to NOT believe it - but i torture myself under the effect of the darkness, my imagination and the voices. Till i point comes when i realise how stupid i am being. But knowing this is the easiest part. I still have to shut the voices - and get into the light. Sometimes you get used to the darkness - and live in desolace, but not me - not this time or any other.

I shout at them - they smirk. I know the place where i entered but unable to open the door back outwards. My imagination still playing games with me. It takes time to open the door - depending on how huge locks i put on it as i entered. But its always my victory at the end. I come out to see the light - i turn back to see the darkness and laugh at it ---- i see it losing its grip on me and feel happy and dumb at the same time. The happiness of coming out and the stupidity of going there in the first place. But then all is well.

I promise myself i am never going to be back here .......... i hope i keep it for the rest of my life.

PS : I GET A NAIVETY HIT

Stupid Dog ???

2010-03-07T03:15:00.000-08:00

Just the other day i was walking on the street when i saw a dog. Just the usual street dog. Now he had some serious issue with his tail and was making desperate attempts to catch it. It was amusing to see him going round and round in a frenzy. I had seen it in cartoons many times but saw it actually the first time. And the first thing that came to my mind was - 'What a stupid dog'.

I realized i made that statement because i was able to see the inherent futility of the exercise - but it obviously was a very serious issue for the dog. Not demeaning the dog or anything but with its thinking capacity it thought and did what he thought he ought to. That was that. But I with a 'so called' better brain and 'higher' intelligence was able to analyze the activity and draw conclusions.

Then it just struck me -- what if there was a being, with say 10 times my intelligence, no lets make it 100 times my intelligence - who has a more complex brain - more neurons - more synapses than my brain - more grey matter - or maybe a completely different system of perceiving and analyzing. Would he find my activities 'Stupid' too ???

The frame changed ------ now i was the dog - instead of the tail i am chasing other things maybe - money / fame / pride / status / or things which i run after and going in circles. Obviously these things are important according to my thinking capacities - just as it was for the dog chasing his tail. So would a more intelligent creature come and laugh at me??? Probably ....... probably not. I might never know - because i cannot think beyond my thinking capacities.

Maybe if i was a dog - i would have probably commended the dog in his determined effort to chase the tail. Maybe i would be inspired to do the same just like i laud the efforts of successful men and women. Then again i dont know that either because i dont have a dog's brain. I may never find the answer but i just cannot deny the possibility of it being true.

WARNING :: Thinking could be injurious to joy ......

2010-03-01T20:40:00.000-08:00

I was going to Pune this weekend [it was a three day weekend after eons and i didnt want to waste it]. I took a bus to pune and as any other normal bus it stopped at around 10 pm at a restaurant dhaba sort of place on the highway. Keeping with my policy of 'minimum food while travelling in a bus' - i got down , stretched my legs and had just a fruit plate. It was over in a matter of 5 minutes but the bus had stopped for half an hour.

Then something happened which has happened a million times before and atleast hundreds of times i have seen it earlier - it started to drizzle. Very fine sized water droplets - so small that even little wind that was there was enough to push it in any direction it wanted. And i was standing there looking at it as it fell on the front glass of the bus. The drops slowly coalescing to form bigger ones and then rolling down along the glass leaving a streak of water behind them - and all i was able to think was the damp smell that would be there in the bus for the rest of the journey.

Ambling around in the corridor just outside the restaurant. I looked up when i was at the end of the corridor with no particular reason and saw a very simple phenomenon. There was a light on the wall but the light was not visible from where i was standing - and in the background was the dark sky - so actually there was nothing to indicate that there was a light there but for the reflections of the light on the tiny droplets of water that were falling. As long as the droplets were in the scope of the light they were visible and then they would dissappear.

The moment i looked at it - all the inferences were drawn - the location and the colour of light - droplets shape - water's property to reflect and refract - the wind that was moving them in all directions. The explaination came naturally to me as i had learnt all these principles already. There was nothing interesting there anymore - nothing more to know - it was just a 'so ordinary phenomenon'.

But i stared at it for a bit more than usual time - and wondered - what if i did not know all these things - what if i did not know where the rain comes from or how water reflects - if i didnt know there was a light and didnt know what was happening. What would it be like ........

And then i found myself staring at the drops with amazement. What are those things? - appearing out of nowhere - dissappearing into nowhere - glowing as they flow - shining like balls of energy of some sort. As i stared at them for longer - i was able to see each and every droplet now - and track their motion - they were moving in slow motion now - the invisible wind playing with them - tossing them around up down sideways - their movements were so amazing - was this light - am i seeing the motion of light. Suddenly there would be a flurry of wind and the balls would become streaks of light. The streaks would loook like interwined strings of light. And then suddenly as if a slow motion button is pressed the droplets would be visible again. The transformation was amazing.

A broad smile came over my face, my mind filled with fascination, my brain refraining from giving me any explainations. And i stood there for atleast 10-15 minutes staring at that amazing display of something wonderful. Then it struck me where i was - people might be looking at me with curiousity - was i looking like a fool - smiling while looking at perceivably nothing special. But then were they seeing what i was - were they thinking what i was - were they feeling what i was - NO they had no idea. One guy actually tried to see something in the direction i was looking - but i guess he didnt get my point.

I realised how intelligence sometimes has the potential to steal away joy from us. I was enjoying a completely ordinary and fully explainable phenomenon because i didnt try to explain it. I am a pro intelligence guy - i draw inferences and explainations even before i know i have - but sometimes it is worth telling the brain not to work so much - there are amazing things all around us happening every moment - and they can be enjoyed no matter how trivial.

whatever ...

2010-02-04T05:52:00.000-08:00

Twinkle twinkle
"oh (blur), atleast one is visible"

beep beep honk honk
another morning - "birds?? where?"

inhale - exhale
"cough cough"

Fruits grow on trees
100 Rs/kg

"I am the scariest creature"
HU HU HO HA HA

flowers in bottles
the AXE effect

dig dig dig - gold
"burn the forest down"

click click click [channel change]
static ... buzzzzzzzzzz

"The bugging animals on roads
in MY?? city"

burn burn burn burn
and let the appliances run

guns and roses
roses no more

"Too weak to give up greed
Too intelligent to acknowledge
Too far from my home"

Happens .....

2010-01-11T03:32:00.000-08:00

Thank god i didnt read my horoscope for the day in the morning. It said my day would begin lonely. :P - Martin Hofstadter

Conserve water ????

2010-01-11T00:15:00.000-08:00

Conserve water - dont let it run
Stop it, store it i want to keep it
I might need it - so this has to be done

Dont waste water its precious resource
So i dig into earth to get some more
It destroyed the balance, i dont care, ofcourse

The water meant streaming had a part to play
But break its way - make it fall - it makes electricity
Comfort that i seek i find this way

Stop the water that was meant to flow
In jars in bottles in tanks let it store
I will wash I will clean my filth and black
Then out of the pipe i will return it back

Conserve water - for those infinite spores
Living and thriving in cement and roads
Not one activity that i see can be done
Without twisting nature's arm, whats the fun?
And the joke is that one splat on my face
On this earth i am (supposed to be) the most intelligent race

Its ok to like ........

2010-01-04T21:32:00.000-08:00

("How can you be like this? How can you .. ? How can you ... ? You already have a girlfriend ....then what is this are you crazy.....? You are such an ass?") -
He was thinking as she was talking to him. She was not his girlfriend. They had met a few months back - they were good friends - shared a lot of common things - the same office to begin with - the same type of work - they saw each other almost everyday - mostly at lunch.

"So what are you doing this weekend? You free?" she asked.

"Somewhat.. maybe.... why? what happened?" He answered.

"I want to watch AVATAR. Have you seen it." she said.

He was free on the weekend but hesitating still. In his mind somehow the rat of guilt was trapped in the cage. But in a casual way - the best face he could create with the guilt inside he said - "Naah, I dont want to.... my friends say its a waste."

"Tell that friend to see a psycologist, he has some problem in the brain." she spoke in disbelief.

=====================================================================================

Later that day, with one of his old friend ---

"Man I am messed up in my mind, I have started liking this girl in office, you know her from the PV team"

"Soooooooo? Whats the problem?"

"Dude I already in a relationship and I love my girlfriend, I am feeling so guilty yaar."

"You know from where i see it, you dont need to be guiltly at all. So you liked a girl - why are you making a fuss of it? Its perfectly fine to like someone. There are billions of humans out there and obviously there are more than one person which transpire through your filter of 'likingness'. You like her, cool. That means you are emotionally active. Congradulations......"

"But isnt it wrong to feel this. I mean when i already have a girlfriend. Isnt this cheating?"

"There are a million other factors than those you know which come into play when you start liking someone. Most of them are not in your control. Like genetic compatibility. There must be a million women out there who are genetically compatible to you and so your body responds positively to them and your mind starts to like them. Then there is liking on an individual level. Its perfectly fine to like someone. Well its good to like someone. But what is wrong in this context is what are you trying to make out of it? or what importance you are giving to that fact?

You like the person. You like to talk with them. You want to see them smile. This is what makes us human. Liking doesnt mean you are looking ahead to a family with her or something like that. You like her, full stop. THATS IT. If you make anything more out of it then you are creating a mess for yourself."

"So you say i should stop being with her or not?"

"Accept the fact that you like her. But dont give it so much importance as to jeopardize your present relation. Friendship is more than perfect relationship to have and maintain with someone you like. There is nothing wrong in that."

"I hope you are right."

=====================================================================================

New Guitar

2009-12-28T00:20:00.000-08:00

It was a new start
My new guitar and me
On the first day we met it said
-"You cant handle me"
With a smirk on its face and twist in its string
It was mocking
It was laughing

I tried to play
The first few times
I could hear it say
- "Ok kid try it your way"
with air of superiority
and a sadistic smile
it just gigled
while i was trying

I tried hard - hurt my fingers
The thought of giving up lingered
But I was enjoying the game
I knew the guitar felt the same
But still far from audible
It was only decibel
But a little better that yesterday
that was my consolation of the day

Days passed and i got better
String by string and chord by chord
The guitar lesser of an enemy more of a friend
And as i practiced i think it said
"You doing well - better than before
The days that passed was a test
and i can see you are doing your best
But still a long way to go
but now we are in it - TOGETHER ......... "

Its the same
In every game
especially the one called life
It tests you till it finds you worthy
before you get anything
If you break before the test is over
ITS OVER ......
Never give up :)

Thank you?? ..... God

2009-12-22T00:03:00.000-08:00

'We thank you god for the world so sweet

We thank you god for the food we eat

We thank you god for the birds that sing

We thank you god for everything ....... Amen'

Those who have studied in my school might be very familiar with this. And for others - this was the prayer we had to say at the end of the school hours, before leaving. Thanking god seems to be a very important thing. I have heard, read and seen a million times everywhere - "We must be thankful for everything". I certainly believe in being thankful but i have a lot of objection with excessive expression of this fact - and specifically to god.

See if you have a very very dear person - say a close friend, a younger brother/sister, lover, relative -- anyone. And you do something for them - dont you feel a bit annoyed when they thank you for what you have done. It seems ok from a stranger but not from a close person.

Its like - 'Hey, i didnt do it for a "thank you", i just did it to see you smile.'

Now if a lowly human with simple feelings can feel this way. Then tell me how the supreme being (so to say) would feel. How would a mother feel if her children kept thanking her - wont she feel cloyed.

I used to thank god a lot for everything - even the troubles. But then i realised it must be getting pissed - because i believe that we are all very very close to god. Knowingly or unknowingly. That energy/power (whatever it may be) loves us all - basically we are all part of it. So then why the 'thank you'.

I am not being thankless or taking things for granted. I am just not expressing it - instead i smile with gratitude for anything given to me - joy or pain. I am thankful - but am going to be happy instead of expressing it.

Good or Bad ..... Neither

2009-12-20T23:11:00.000-08:00

Lately for me the lines between the 'GOOD' abd the 'BAD' are becoming hazier and hazier. I wonder when did good - bad / right - wrong came into picture. Was it always there as an inherent part of everything or did it have a beginning. What we consider good/right/correct now - it sounds a very appropriate means of labelling activities that we perform - but by the meaning of good - is it good?

Here i am trying to say that good and bad are very efficient classifiers of action into two groups - one desirable and other undesirable. But does the meaning of the word good and bad has to do anything with it.

If this separation existed always - then it should have been there even before life began - but then consider the following -

1) Earthquake - destroys geography of entire planet - no life -> good? or bad?
2) Comet collide with planet -> huge destruction??

[sorry for poor imagination - this is all i could think in a world without life]

Then when life began - the first set of molecules that coalesced to exist as life.
They had their cycles - good? or bad?
Some of them started to feed on other microbes - one bacteria eating other - good? or bad?

After a little evolution - larger creatures - feeding on each other - so were carnivorous creatures good? or bad?

When i think about this i feel the good and bad never existed - it came into being not when the first man was murdered - but when someone wanted to take a revenge. In the name of punishing the other - his activities were called 'BAD'. Down the line just like the society things kept getting complicated and complicated - but the basic confusion that i face is - is the 'GOOD' really good? i am sure i want it. And then i see the stricking overlap between what 'I WANT' and what i consider 'GOOD' for me.

Oh the weather is 'BAD' today - its giving me allergies? Can the weather be bad?? its a cycle - neutral.

Then we come to complicated issues like - arent terrorists bad? as a label to distinguish their activities from mine - yes 'BAD' but not bad in its meaning. Yeah so they kill for what they believe - what is new dont we do the same - maybe not humans - but a life is a life. But in their heads they have a reason which is strong enough for them to act this way.

I would try my best to kill a terrorist before he kills others - but does it mean i am doing a 'GOOD' thing - i doubt that. Its like there is a heads to the coin and tails to the coin - thats it. His activites and mine were opposing - he wanted to kill - i did not want him to do that - we have conflict - the stronger wins. Nothing inherently good in what i did and nothing bad what he did. But to label the activities, yes, 'GOOD' and 'BAD' serve the purpose.

What i am suggesting is that good and bad dont exist. Its just activities - i chose to do things in one way - someone else in another - if we are opposing each other - there is clash - i take stand for what i believe - he does the same for himself. We use force - physical or intellectual and try to prove the other wrong. THATS IT. I am not doing any 'GOOD' nor is he doing any 'BAD'. These are just labels.

'do you have gf ...... so pls give me' - what nerve

2009-12-14T03:19:00.000-08:00

So here i just put up a broadcast on IMO for searching one of my old school friend - Sanjay Raghavan and i got this friend request from meddy344 (no idea who), he saw the broadcast and so replied. K well i thought i have some lead so as to where Sanjay is ----- but no - SURPRISE - just when i thought i could expect the craziest stuff - this guy just proved me wrong.

me: hello
meddy344: hi
how are you?
me: do i know you?
i am fine
meddy344: no u don't knw me
where ru frm?
me: i am from Nagpur - did you read my broadcast??
[Ok chat starts - general - who and how etc..... normal]

meddy344: yes
m/f
there?
me: so where are you from
meddy344: m from gujrat
me: you have any idea about sanjay
[Now since he read my broadcast - i expect he knows something to tell me .......hah! my wish]

meddy344: but can you tell me asl pls?
[Why the hell ....... wierd, couldnt understand how it was relevant in this context - but still i humoured his request]

me: 24 - M
what abt you?
[I had to ask back ... right]

meddy344: oh what a co-incidence
m also 24m
and m marathi
and u
me: me too
[Kool good till now - he is not the first stranger who i chatted while searching for Sanjay - the the whacky guy starts off now ....... ]

meddy344: so do you have any marathi girls ID
i need your help[
me: sorry cant help with that
[Yeah what am i - online dating service???]

meddy344: it's o
ok
do you have gf
so pls give me
[WHAT WAS HE THINKING - and whatever he meant by 'so pls give me'??? such an ASS]

me: dude u need to grow up by now
meddy344: m boring now
by
take car
[And now he is 'boring'???]

me: u too
meddy344: can u delete my id
me: sure
[Good Riddance]

PS : This happened really - word to word. There sure are whacky people out there and i am sure this guy is just the tip of the iceberg.

PS2 : No hard feelings meddy344. If you are disturbed by this post please leave a comment. [:s/meddy344/xyz/g]

Worth it ..... yeah :)

2009-12-13T22:02:00.000-08:00

Cost of bus to Nimhans hospital - 7 Rs or on a bike (40Kmpl) - 3 Rs
Cost of return on bus to office - 7 Rs or on a bike (40Kmpl) - 3 Rs

Human effort
- 20 mins standing/sitting/driving
- 15 minutes lying down
- mass loss 150 gms

Returns :
1 Certificate (Not important)
1 fruit juice (yeah right)
4 biscuits (are you kidding me)
AND
1 human LIFE - infinite value
Satisfaction - infinite value

There are things worth the effort - like the smile on that stranger's face whose wife was going to be operated ........... and the smile on my face .... too :)

The Smiles - VII

2009-12-13T06:06:00.000-08:00

A few months later .............................

'What will you have dear?'

'Get a cappuccino for me.....'

'Back in a minute.'

Jef walked up to the counter. He was in a very good mood today for no particular reason. As he walked up to the counter he saw a familiar face. It was his old friend who had advised him to go to the memory surgeon. Jef was delighted to meet him.

'Hey Jef how have you been? You look great man.'

'Ya man - things have turned just perfectly for me. Come here i want you to meet someone.'

Jef took his friend up to his table.

'Dear i want you to meet my friend - you know the one i told you about. He was the first to ask me to go to the surgeon.'

'Oh so nice to meet you. Jef is so so greatful to you and so am I. Thank you for all that you did. I would have never met such a wonderful person if it was not for you.'

'So Jef you finally did choose to do the operation?'

'Yes and no.......'

'What is that supposed to mean?'

'Well i did go to get that operation done. I had even finalized it but at the last moment I didnt go through with it. Everything was set i was in the machine they had made to do memory surgeries. You know thats one hell of a ride. It like looking into your own head. When they started the operation all memories came in from of me. Everything i have in this brain was in front. It was amazing. I saw things in my memories right from my childhood - my childhood friends - my school - college - my time with her everything was like moving pictures in front of me.

I saw her at times when we were together. When we fought - her smile, her laugh, her look saying 'how could you', her look saying 'i need you', her disappointment, her excitement, her dreams that she shared with me, the time we spent together. Everything was there you know - everything everything. Tears started to come out of my eyes - those were not sad ones - but happy ones. Of seeing her again. And then i thought - i havent lost her at all - she is here - closer than ever before. It was only my stupidity that i had lost her from my thoughts. There was absolutely no reason for me to be sad - it was just my foolishness that i was unaware of till that moment.

I realized it would be stupidity if i let this go. It was only how i associated with it. And i was happier than ever before at that moment. There was no need for that operation.

Another thing i realised is love is not at all about wanting the person - its a strange feeling of enormous happiness when you see the other person smile. There were no bonds there - no constrains. My relation with her was re-invented at that moment. There was no scope of sadness in there now. I was at peace. And she was always around me. There were no conditions - no illusions - just happiness.

I would have never reached there if i had not gone to the doctor. And i would have never gone to the doctor - if you hadnt coaxed me to. So thank you so so so much.'

The three of them were smiling at each other. The smile that is full of contention and satisfaction - a happy friend - a lovely companion and few great memories - Jef couldnt ask for a happier life :)

ITS WHAT YOU MAKE IT TO BE - NOTHING IS AS IT IS.
HAPPINESS IS A CHOICE NOT A CONDITION :)

The Decision - VI

2009-12-12T07:49:00.000-08:00

Jef was again waiting for his turn in the clinic next day. He had made his decision. He was going to go for the operation. He spent his time wondering what it would be like. There were some forms to be filled, declarations to be signed and some tests of fitness to be given. After going through all those he was ready and the doctor came up to give him the instruction about how they would go about doing the operation. The doctor spoke -

During the operation Mr.Jef you will be lying in this (he indicated towards a machine in the room through a glass window) and we will talk to you through every step of it. You just need to relax. You will get memories one after the other as we will activate the nerves in your brain. You will have to tell us which is the part you would like to be removed. Its that simple - just to be sure we will reinvoke the connection so that you can be sure of what you are about to remove. The responsibility is yours Mr.Jef - Lets get the sadness out of your head shall we.....

The machine was like a MRI scanning machine and he was going to sleep in a some sort of tunnel. The nurse came and gave a small pill to Jef.

What was this for?

Oh - its just a soothing agent - so that you are relaxed in the process, thats all.

It was time Jef lied on the platform and it got inserted into the tunnel. He could hear the voice of the doctor clearly and he was making sure Jef is comfortable at each and every step.

Jef close your eyes - now all you need to see is in your own head so you dont need to look around. Just relax.... take normal breath. If at any moment you feel uncomfortable we will pause. Dont hesitate at all.

Jef closed his eyes - surprisingly it was not dark - instead it was bright white light that he was experiencing. It seemed to stretch infinitely everywhere. Then suddenly he saw moving pictures cropping out of nowhere - drawn on nothing - just floating around him. And there were trillions like those filling up the whole space. The were like everything he had in his memories was in front of him.

The doctor spoke -

Jef could you please think about her now........

The scene in front of Jef began to change; there were prominent pictures of her around him.

Do you see her Jef?

yes...

So Jef..... all your troubles are just about to end.

The Answer - V

2009-12-11T06:58:00.000-08:00

The doctor without any hesitation looked into the Jef's eyes and said in a very calm and assuring voice.

'I know exactly what are you feeling. But tell me does she remember you?'

Jef was silent. His confused mind had already given up the fight for reason - he just wanted answers - no questions.
The doctor spoke to explain :

'You see Jef - you cannot remember anything if you dont have a brain. And where she is right now - she is beyond the realms of physical existence. She is not attached with memories or ideas or pain. These are traits of the brain - the cells. She is at peace where she is - in perfect state. If you believe the concept of soul then you will know. Even if not - still the argument stands.
Even all this pain you are feeling is just a part of reactions of your brain. The chemicals in the head - bombarding the connection which has become predominant. All i am offering is to bring your own head into control so that you can lead a happy life.'

Jef thought 'happy life' - its had been a while since he had felt that. Its been long since he smiled at the mirror - happy to see the face it in. It been so long when he laughed openly. And he wanted it so bad - he knew that - there was no doubt in his head about this atleast.

The doctor's argument was very rational and logical. He thought - there is nothing wrong in this. I am not abandoning her. How can i abandon her when she is not there at all?

Jef affirmation to go through the procedure was increasing and he was already feeling better a bit. He left the room after tellling the doctor he needed some time to think about this.

Jef walked alone on the road - unmindful of where he was going - that didnt matter to him either ways. He thought of what his friend had told him - "She would want you to be happy" - and then the doctor - "just a connection..." -- "reaction of brain" -- "only cells". He closed his eyes and tried to talk to her. With a hint of guilt he asked her what he should do. And in his imagination her voice spoke

"Be Happy"

Jef opened his eyes and knew what he was going to do now.

The Question - IV

2009-12-10T07:11:00.000-08:00

The lady was back reading into her magazine even before Jef turned back to her. So he got up and started following the lady who had called him. He was lost and in no position to understand too much. He just wanted to hear something that would calm him down - but at this moment he had no idea what it would be. Was he in the right place? Is this the right thing to do? Whats wrong with this? Anita is better off? So will i be too? What is going on?

As Jef was bombarding himself with torrent of questions - they reached a door. The lady entered and asked Jef to follow. The room was nothing like a doctor's room that Jef had ever seen. It was dim - not much illuminated. Something was calm about the ambience in the room. Jef felt relaxed for some reason. There was very comfortable sofa seats present in the centre of the room. There were plants and flowers all around. The scent of the flowers was very soothing. Jef took one of the seats on the sofa and in a few minutes the doctor entered the room and after a customary greeting they were sitting in front of each other.

'So Mr.Jef I know you must be having a lot of questions. Shall we start?'

'Doctor how do you remove memories? Doesnt it harm the brain?'

'The first thing that comes to mind - and very pertinent too. You see memory is nothing but a connection between two neurons in our head. Neurons are the basic cells that make up the brain. And when an electric pulse moves along this connection you have a reaction called memory. There are multiple routes to a memory but only a few become very dominant. What we do here is to instigate the neurons to make that connection weaker - its nothing to do with destroying anything in the brain. You see if a person has gone through a trauma - then he or she relives the trauma again and again when the connection gets active - and its not in control most of the times. So by just removing this connection we make lives easier for people.'

'But then how do you make sure you are cutting the right connection? And how do you search for it?'

'You see there is no way anyone can tell what the connection means other than the person himself. We just instigate a connection - this makes the memory active in the brain of the person and then he can chose whether this is what he want to delete. No other person comes to know what is being deleted from the memory but the person himself. The precision of our devices is much greater than the cellular level so the probability of a mistake is extremely low.'

'Then how do you know that the person is doing the right thing?'

'We monitor the bodies reactions to memories. It is simple to find out which ones are really bothering the person. Apart from that there is a psycological test you have to go through to be deemed fit for this operation. We are here to save people from unnecessary pain - not create more for them.'

The reasons were very appealing to Jef. Well it was just a matter of a tinsi winsi connection. But the moral question bothered him. Still in confusion - but now desperate for a decision, he spoke to the doctor impulsively.

'But what about the responsibility? I loved her ... so what she is not there anymore ... I love her still.'

The doctor's lips slightly curled at the edges - probably wanting to smile. It was like he was just waiting for that question to be asked. It was like he knew he would have to answer that - and he was smiling because he was ready for it.

First Visit - III

2009-12-09T08:00:00.000-08:00

'Good evening Mr.Jef - this is your first visit?'

'Yes i have come for consultation. Is the doctor there?'

'Yes sir he will be free shortly, why dont you have a seat till then. I will call you'

Jef turned toward the couch and the bean bag kept in the waiting room. There was another lady, sitting and reading a magazine to kill the time. After a moment's hesitation Jef chose the bean bag - always felt it was more comfortable.

While sitting there he had an butterfly feeling in the stomach as he went through the events of the last few days in his head. He remembered the talk he had after the night's booz at his friend's house. He still was not ready - but in the name of practicality had realised his shortcomings. He needed some help and he was looking out for it now. He felt like calling his friend over - but the ego did not allow him to do so. He was doing what he wanted in the first place and what jef had argued against.

Trying to get over this feeling now jef looked around in the room to distract himself while he waited. Picked up an arbit magazine from the table in the middle, and tried to find something interesting in it. "Memory is just a connection of neurons." - he came across this statement, and was thrown into confusion - "JUST A CONNECTION" - is that all it is - Jef was getting restless - it was a combination of guilt - a bit relief - a bit disbelief - and felt like an angry fool. Was he wrong all this time? Was it only the connections of the neurons which drove him to so much hurt? Is this true? Am i believing this for my own convenience?

Jef was battling himself now - he was torn into two parts, one wanted to believe and the other wanted not to. At one moment he was feeling like a criminal for trying to throw away her out of his mind and the very next moment a fool for being so sentimental for all this time.

Jef wanted to talk to someone - anything to distract him. The lady in the room was the only approachable person to him. So he began - 'Excuse me ma'm, My name is Jef, I was wondering - have you been through the procedure of memory surgery?'

They lady responded - 'Hello , my name is anita - yes i have been through it, it has been such a life changing thing for me. I am so glad that i came here. My life had been in such a mess. But now i can relax - i am not haunted by my past. It seems you cant miss what you dont know. And it has worked well for me. I am better."

Jef - "But doesnt it bother you that you have lost memories of someone very special to you. Do you justify just forgetting them. I mean isnt this cheating.. i mean ..... i mean.... "

A lady from behind calls out - "Mr.Jef the doctor will see you now, could you please follow me ......."

The Suggestion - II

2009-12-08T08:13:00.000-08:00

tringggg tringggg ....................
tringggg tringggg ....................

The ringing of the phone woke up jef. The phone was answered.
'Hello ........... hmmm ........ yes ...... never mind that i will meet you tomorrow and we will discuss it then........... Ok see ya bye' ^click!

In the background a TV program going on with a talk show - it all was only mumbling to jef for a while. His head still had not come back from his drinking misadventure last night. Rubbing his eyes and holding his head in his hands he let out a grunt. Then trying to make sense of where he was and what was the time - he looked around. The sound of the TV had become clearer as he moved towards it.

".......... this brings us to a moral question - with technology now able to change memories - what responsibility do we keep for our loved ones? Is is right to remove the thoughts of those we have lost? Today we have with us .......... Dr. ...... "

A voice from behind jef asked - 'So jef how are you feeling now?' ........... No answer

'Would you like a coffee or tea?'

'Coffee'

After five minutes they were drinking coffee on the table. Nothing made a sound except the TV buzzing with advertisements. Jef was getting a bit restless. His friend made no attempts to talk or discuss anything. Finally Jef spoke -

'No man - this just doesnt sound right. I cant just forget her. This is waste ...... pure waste . Deception , cheating - How would you feel if the one you loved the most just forgot you?'

'Jef, how do you think you feel when the one you loved the most is in the dumps - destroying her own life. What is one thing we want from the ones we love? isnt it their happiness. Tell me - seeing you live like this - would she be happy or sad? Would she be glad that you are destroying yourself because she is not around.'

'But man it hurts. I love her so much ....... how can i live without her?'

'Do you really love her, Jef? I doubt, you just want her to be with you. Love is not bound by anything it is ........ '

'Dont give this philosophical s**t to me. Those are just hokum - cooked up to try to prove superiority, but when the lines get drawn all stand below them.

'All i am saying is that we must move on - not get stuck - and if we are not able to do that then we try to get help or try some other way. I cant believe if you say that there is no person who is important in your life for whom you will smile - even if it is a false one - you know the truth. You are just taking it the wrong way - you have linked guilt with happiness - when actually being happy is the best thing you can do for her at the moment. '

'What do you know - you have not lost anyone - and even if you have you didnt love them as much i did ....'

'This is exactly what you are doing wrong my friend - why do you measure love on the scale of pain - and do you believe and those who show pain feel it more ?? Why cant you measure the strength of love on the basis of happiness that one gets - when they think about those they love - why not the power that they get to rise above the situation when they think about those they love ....... '

Jef had no answer - but he was not in the position to see the point. He had pushed himself too deep into it to understand what he was saying. Jef looked at him with hatred - the one which we give to those who perform sacrilege, stomped out of the room - bumping his shoulder into the pillar on his way.

An Old Friend - I

2009-12-07T09:59:00.000-08:00

It was dark with a few halogen lights on the ceiling - small apertures in the canvas on the ceiling letting a part of it come into the room and make things barely visible. The music at the loudest - banging of the drums and shouting of the rockstar - typical urban pub. He entered with his friends. It was a weekend. The time of the week to enjoy - relax - and be HIGH.

In the other corner of the room, in the shadows, he saw a familiar outline. He recognized but hesitated to say hello. He knew what had happened. Jef had lost her - and with her he had lost himself too. In his eyes one could see the pain which he was trying to forget in the alcohol. He had been a great guy - but where is he lost now? After a pause he couldnt see his friend like that and so he went up to him.

'Hey jef, how are you man? long time no see'

In half subconsciousness, with great difficulty he raised his brows in response to the sound. Stare - stare - stare. One affected smile. That was all he could reply with.

'Jef, seriously man - what are you doing? You have taken this far enough. Why dont you go and visit a memory surgeon?'

Jef stood up with a surge of anger - as if energy surged through his body and shouted -
'WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU WANT ME TO FORGET HER? YOU WANT ME TO LEAVE HER? YOU THINK I AM SO WEAK? MY LOVE IS TRUE .. I WILL NEVER ...........'

Thuddd - the surge was numbed with all the alcohol in him. He fell to the ground and puked in an unconscious state.

'Lets go home Jef'

He took him to his house - with great difficulty. Jef was not a light guy. And let him sleep and wear off all the booze he had taken. He had taken up the responsibility - tomorrow was going to be the challenge. Was he prepared? He did not know - but he knew he had to do something. He spent the night thinking what to do the next day ............

!#$$@%^@!&#!$((%*!#^@& - (u dont wanna know what that is)

2009-12-02T23:06:00.000-08:00

He doesnt drink - doesnt gamble. Is rational and sensible. Hard working - intelligent. He doesnt smoke. He know to play guitar - He likes to watch movies. Very friendly in nature. A likable person.

She is friendly - doesnt drink or smoke. Has no bad habits - looks beautiful. She is smart and caring. She never hurt people. She sings and draws well.

They have known each other for 5 years now. They talk with each other almost every other day. They understand each other. They like each other.

When he get angry - she calms him.
When she get dissappointed - he peps her up.
When they talk to each other - they are happiest.
They only want to see each other happy.

Neither has a mental problem - physical problem or any major health issue.

OOOOOOooooooohhhhh! but sorry your castes dont match :(
Guess this is how god made you - different and completely incompatible - how can you be happy with each other. This is a sin - and you want us also to be happy about it. Child you are making a mistake - a huge mistake. I dont consent to you seeing each other.

And dont forget child : I love you and am only concerned about your happiness.

S - Sadistic and
O - Oraganised
C - Criminalisation of
I - Innocent
E - Emotions to
T - Terrorize the
Y - Youth

PS - I am just about to explode with profanity at the irrationality of such parents. But that doesnt achieve anything does it. The only thing that needs to be done is to make them understand - with patience - a LOT LOT LOT of it. In this case they are worst than children. So children have to grow up to become understanding parents.

PS1 - Typical Indian society scenario ....... very very sad.

My story of the universe :P

2009-11-24T22:04:00.000-08:00

In darkness all around
nothing to be found
Everything there
Just not yet aware

No Time to pause
No effect , no cause
No space to be
No place to see

With bang it began
With energy it sprang
In directions everywhere
Now space was there

It started in a flash
increasing its span
Something was to follow now
So time began

A part of the energy
a bit later
Chose to be limited
and became matter

The system was in anarchy
No rules no laws
So energy and matter decided
To remove the flaws

They chose some rules
To be followed always
At every time
And every place

Some matter after a while wanted to be energy again
Moving round everywhere It tried to find some way
It met a few many who wished the same
They stuck together and star became

The universe never stopped expanding and distances grew
So they created wormholes so matter could get easily through
There were violators who didnt stick to their roles
They were punished by sending to the black holes

But after a while the fun was over
Everything was following the established order
The rules were perfected , the laws - fixed
Things got boring, something was missed

Matter borrowed some energy -
created something called life
All rules, all laws remained the same
except the rule of strife

The rock stayed a rock ,water stayed water
But life kept changing though its the same matter
Energy and matter found a new way to flow
it was fun, something new and different so

But after some time like repeating history
Life felt stuck and everything boring
The rule of strife, followed by life
led to the rise of -'the intelligent being'

Throughout the time things changed a lot
The energy and matter in life completely forgot
What it really was and how it began
In this ignorance it made its own plan

We are just the same energy thats everywhere
Anything else is just illusion
Which misguides us away from the truth
Adding to all the confusion

Lets see how things go onwards
Where going backwards is the way forward
We will sooner or later find our way
Just wait and watch till that day

Earth being round was a joke....... wasnt it??

2009-11-22T20:44:00.000-08:00

Its funny how the mind plays tricks on you. One moment you are up and ready to go ahead - full of confidence and bubbling with energy and then suddenly you are like a mountain on your shoulder. And all this because a small thing is out of place. The capacity of the mind to make an elephant out of ant is truly amazing.

How it harps on the negative aspect when the good things are blaring in front? Why does it do it? I wonder. I have been through a feeling like this quite a few times. Probably when something important is at stake, something we want with great intensity.

Whatever it is - its funny because when you think back it always proves to be stupid to have thought those negative things. But not when you are going through it. At such times one only needs someway or someone to show the positive and stick to it. Some take it to god, some to friends, some to family and some to themselves. It doesnt matter as long as you are able to get over it.

But then when out of it i wonder - if the mind has such a nice amplifier of negative thoughts - why cant it amplify the positive ones. Obviously it is capable of doing that - then do we somehow block it or dont let it develop? How Koool it will be if there was a negative amplifier after the amplifier of negative thoughts -- he he. So whenever you are in trouble or stress - you would spring into happiness and be cheerful. ------ WOW :D . Might sound stupid - but then sometime back even earth being round was a joke. :P

Its needed ???

2009-11-04T23:59:00.000-08:00

It amazes me
How frequently
We normalize it
saying - 'Its needed'

It hurts me
How easily
We take a life
saying - 'Its needed'

It humours me
How subtlely
We justify greed
saying - 'Its needed'

It pains me
How comfortably
We destroy nature
saying - 'Its needed'

It destroys me
How time and again
I do all this
saying - 'Its needed???'

PS :- More important needed by whom? - JUST ME ME ME ME

Death != Big Deal

2009-10-17T07:02:00.000-07:00

Saw something i had seen before today while going towards the office. It was a street dog after being hit by a vehicle breathing its last breaths. Had seen such a thing before too - but this experience was different from the last ones that i had. This time as i moved across that writhing body - half in blood in the middle of the road - something inside me churned. Cant explain the feeling exactly - was it pain, sadness, helplessness? i dont know - but i do know i was damned confused.

I saw that dog there on the street i knew he was alive then - and it was obvious that he was suffering. The question in front of me was - can i do anything for that poor thing suffering? then i thought how? can i take him to a vet? do i know any vet around? will any clinic be open at this time (it was a bit early in the morning)? What after i take it to the vet? Can i afford to spend? Will my clothes get stained? What if the dog has an infection? what if my hands get all bloody? Can i go to the office with soiled clothes? The more i thought about it - the more negative thoughts about doing something about it came to the mind. After a while i was disgusted by my own thoughts. By this time i was 500 meters ahead from where the accident had taken place.

Someone in pain is dying in the middle of the road and i could just move past it without a thought. And now i was thinking how not to get dirty..... What if it was a human? Wont i have jumped up right at it and tried to take him/her to the hospital. If yes about the human - then why am i hesitating now? Is it that a human life is more important that a dog's - how do i decide that - there is such a huge bias because i too am a human. Then is my bias the truth - how do i justify this?

Simply i tried to put into perspective the activities of the dog and human - what humans do ----- and what the dogs do ----- from a neutral standpoint - if i forget for sometime that i am human - and try to see the earth as a affected entity - then it is pretty obvious that human life is much more detrimental to the system than the dog's. So logic stands to give more importance to the life of a dog than a human. But still i was thinking ................ the thing was suffering........

I turned back to the dog - i waited on the side of the road so as to let the traffic situation allow me to go to the dog - there i felt maybe what the dog might be at that moment - the monster which had hit it, was coming again and again at his face swooshing past him - unsure if the next one coming will hit him again just as the other one did - the agony he must have been going through along with the pain - i can only imagine.

I went up to it - tried to lift up - the only thing i thought i could do for it then was to lift and keep him on the side of the road - because i saw that the injury was very severe - and i doubted if it could be saved - maybe it was my selfishness which was prompting me to think that way - to give up hope and not take responsibility - i felt coward. It made grunts of pain as i lifted it up i took it to the side in the shade. I was feeling pathetic - helpless - guilty - sad. I patted it on the head - that was my only attempt to ease the pain it was going through - and i knew that was all i was going to do....... i didnt do anything else i left it there to wait for death .........

Creatures live - creatures die everyday - i have no illusions or reservations about this one. Humans live - humans die. But after this event i feel if that dog's death was no big deal - then no human death is a big deal either - its just the part of the cycle.

I am not God ...... so what?

2009-10-13T07:40:00.000-07:00

"Lets go to the temple today, pay our respects to the god"

Well i have come across this statement a lot of number of times. And everytime i have heard this i have been surrounded by a host of different questions - one of which i would like to discuss.

The basic axiom which i take for this discussion is that GOD - is a single entity - same for one and all. Not at all an unreasonable statement.

So when i say it is equal for all - that automatically means all the activities that we do in the place of worship have to be equal in their meaning. So to say - the joining of hands of the hindus, or kneeling down of the muslims or bowing of the christian are done to achieve the same ends i.e. to show respect to the god.

But since god is the same - so obviously the action that we perform to show respects cannot matter - because different people do different things to achieve the same effect. So in effect action is not the primary concern - if i want to show god i respect it.

The same can be thought about words - and so too about the rituals.

So now i ask - what is it that really matters in this context? Actions - words - rituals cannot be the absolute. And so i think there is something other which is common between all - which is actually the important part. And thinking about it 'FAITH' seems to be the answer.

So to say 'FAITH' that the action we do shows respect to god, is a more fundamental feeling.

So then if i take the next step - of separating 'FAITH' from the action, words, rituals etc and putting it in something else. The question comes to me - will i be doing something heretic?

Then what can i put faith in or rather what should i put faith in (to put faith or not is a question for another time but if we assume that it is needed to have faith then) - should it be a stone carved in shape of a mythological entity - should it be a tomb of a saint - should it be words in Sanskrit which i donot understand fully or should it be the pictures and photos of godly figures or should it be a cross on which the son of the god was supposedly crucified.

I find the best thing i can put faith - is something that helps me in all situations - is with me all the time - effects my life more than anything else - may not be magically powerfull - but its all that i have - MYSELF.

Yes i may not be magically powerful, may not move rivers, may not hold a mountain on one finger or create bread out of nothing. But between objects - that cant move and ME - who can think and move and act and feel - i prefer ME. You might say i am concieted and this is self important behaviour - but i am not asking anyone else to put 'FAITH' in me. They better put it in themselves is what i am saying.

Its the 'FAITH' that matters.

To a place where blind man sees ....

2009-10-09T04:08:00.000-07:00

God i love you - God 'I WANT' to make you happy by making you 'LOOK' good. So what will i do you know - i will take few of your beautiful creations - not allow them to do what 'YOU' made them for - but 'I' think 'MY' requirement is more important than yours - so i will take them from their place and put them all around you - although for you it could be loss of purpose of 'YOUR' creations but that is not important to 'ME'. What matters to 'ME' - is that this object which looks a bit like 'ME' - which 'I' believe is what you look like - should look beautiful to 'ME'. Hope you like it. :)

PS : If you say that is what they were made for - you dont even have the idea who decides what is for what. Your decision is what you want - not the reality.

PS1 : The point here is not - What makes god look good, but how we are limited by what 'we' think.

Aliens in the outfields . . . . [0v0]

2009-10-07T22:42:00.000-07:00

"How could he do that?"
"What the hell were you thinking?"
"Whats wrong with them?"

We look around and find these contradictions at every step of the way. All of us looking into each other's worlds. Some we understand; most we dont - simply because the rules and the laws in that world are different from yours. You like some - you find some similiar to yours but not the exact same. We all are aliens for each other- each living in their own different worlds. Everything that they come across passes through the filters of the laws in their worlds. The same thing is source of pleasure for one and disgust for other.

We are the creators and rulers of this world we create for ourselves. And though most of the things are not directly under our control - they are definitely done by us only. We create reasons to be happy, purpose to work for, events to get angry upon, decisions regarding success and failure, we create the difference between the right and the wrong. Most processes we are give to the part in us which works on its own. Particular person gets angry for a particular reason - attributing the anger to the external stimuli but not to his internal reasons for which he gets angry. Here i am not discussing the reason to be angry - the reason might be correct or wrong - but the origin of anger.

And so goes for each and every of the object in this world of ours - love, hate, happiness, sadness, guilt, inspiration, zeal, passion, anger. We are the only ones who have a choice - a choice to decide our response - none of the other creatures have this liberty and it a waste when we donot use this capacity. Lets make a better "World of Our Own".

Happy Half - Bday to U

2009-10-06T05:46:00.000-07:00

It was time again to go to bed, when something just rang a bell in my mind. There was this program on discovery channel that i had seen about how the body works. In one of their episodes they had analysed the phenomena of sleep and what a person goes through when he/she is sleeping.

They told something very interesting - they said that the state of sleep is extremely similiar to dying. That the body is almost in a state of half death where it is not able to percieve anything - time being one of the things (i always wondered about how the 6 hours of sleep just slip away unnoticed).

So using all their equipments and electrodes the scientists deduced that sleep is same as death - with only a little difference that we come back from it. The mind and body are absent during this phase.

So my point is if sleeping is half death - then waking up is half birth --- Yo - today is my Half Bday :D and so too yours. Enjoy today atleast half as much as your Bday. and EVERYDAY :D

PS : Dont let the law of marginal utility get you :P - there is always a reason to be happy for.

If only you can feel.....

2009-09-29T00:07:00.000-07:00

Dont know what happened all of a sudden. The first thing i did was to run and check for my friends - were they ok ..... But they were nowhere to be seen. Hopefully they found a safe place somewhere. I was still in the open and the noises were becoming more fearsome. The explosions and the flashes of lights everywhere. There was smoke everywhere as i tried to search for a place for myself - where i would be safe. The thunder showing no sign of abating. Nothing was making sense as i ran from street to street. But everywhere it was the same. The blasts - the smoke. The birds had flown away - lucky they has wings. I felt even the trees were trying to run away but in vain - they did not have a choice but suffer.
I found myself a small hole where i thought i will be safe and sat there the entire night hoping that these explosions will stop and i will be able to live another day. I never was able to understand what happened that night. But the memories scare the hell out of me.
I can think of no justifiable reason why were they doing this. They had gone mad.

- diary entry of a Dog on a Diwali night (Indian festival in which a lot of crackers are burst).

PS : i had written such a post earlier but somehow it got deleted. But the relevance of the message at this time around made me write it again.

If you are reading this - i believe you are educated enough to understand. And if still you donot take any actions - you know why the environment is going down the drains.

Maybe this helps .....

2009-09-18T03:57:00.000-07:00

Some human tendencies i fail to understand :

1) I am stressed - Let me burn a hole in my lungs, destroy my immune system and then top it up with filling myself with toxins(tar) that can never be removed - Maybe doing this will help.

2) I am sad - Let me punch my kidney and liver so that they get a shock. Lose control of my nerves. Create a mess for me and those around me - Maybe doing this will help.

3) I am happy (because a thousands of years ago - the king Ayodhya - 'RAM' returned from exile) - Let me make my surroundings uninhabitable for all the birds and animals, let me create so much noise that even the birds sleeping in their nests miles away get terrified, the air around me be filled with obnoxious gases - which causes problems for me too - Maybe this will please the lord.

4) I am hurt(emotionally) - Let me throw it all around me, on my loved ones. Make them feel the hurt too - Maybe it will ease my pain.

PS 1) Smoking kills ..... if thats the solution to your stress then - all the best.

PS 2) Drinking distracts - solves nothing while destroying something. If a few moments of distraction from situation helps then - all the best. Though it does help to get into a good mood when with friends and you have celebration in your mind. But doesnt solve any problem at all.

PS 3) Have no idea what is acheived by puffing thousands of rupees into air in a short while and at the same time creating worst kinds of pollution. Amazing what we can find amusements in - worst, its done under the pretext of religion.

PS 4) In times when we take it all out on the ones near to us. Mostly they are not at fault. But for that period of time the universe is your enemy.

I have done these things. I have puffed cigarretes like nobody's business. I know the kick that one gets from it - but really its not worth the price we pay for it.

I have drank like a tanker - but at the end of the day i had to face all my problems head on. No alcohol helped me then. Only 'I' was with me.

I have burst crackers a lot in my childhood - but i saw a dog walking on the streets on diwali night. Man was he in hell. I failed to see the point anymore.

I shouted at my friends - not their faults - but i was in a bad mood because i had lost. Oh yeah - the capacity to hurt is directly proportional to the amout of hurt in me.

All of us get stressed, sad, happy, angry - thats normal. But what we do about it makes us a better or worse person.

Peer Pressure

2009-09-15T01:14:00.000-07:00

The joke was cracked and the whole group was laughing. Though it didnt reach to me as a joke so i refrained from joining. But there was this urge - a huge impelling force which wanted to laugh out with my friends around me. This was my first time realisation of peer pressure.

Had been through it so many times but did not realise the dynamics of what was happening. Most of the times i would join the crowd. Or even in abstinence have the urge to do that. But more often than not - i would be going into the - 'Not wanted by me' territory. And the only reason for me would be - 'Hey they are my friends all are there - i too should'. Fear of falling out maybe or of getting distanced away.

But having been so close with my friends for pretty long time now that fear was no longer there. We understood each other - and there was no scope of distancing. Without that fear now - and so was not laughing.

So earlier was that the 'fear', that used to join in with the group. Now that i know this - i understand a bit better how peer pressure works for me. And am ready to take a stand now.

The effect of me not joining in was - they all stopped midway - wondering and looking at me. Like i was an alien - but i differed in opinion. Then i was the 'joke' for a while. And it died down in a few minutes. Thats that.

Though this was just about the joke - it happends in so many other places. There are times we donot speak up because so as to not see the looks of the people's eyes. There are times we donot question (typical Indian tendency) wondering what the rest of the class will think. There are times we donot reach out - when it is not what our companions would have done. I guess its time for me to stop. Stop considering what 'THEY' will think and do what 'I' think is right.

Think --- Choose --- Decide --- Act.

PS :- Something inadvertently we involve into due to peer pressure - smoking, drinks, corruption, not questioning, change opinion (just to be in vogue), must be many others. But nothing beats being 'YOURSELF'.

Justified ---- yes

2009-09-12T03:29:00.000-07:00

I am amazed at our capacity to justify things on the bases of that 'WE' need it. Then we take it as an assumption that we need it - and then that what we do is so correct. And after doing this for a long long time it becomes a natural tendency. But never do we sit down to think and reason do we need it?

Everything we are doing - apart from sleeping and eating - is so out of place - so unnatural. I eat food that grows - but i no longer pursue food - i pursue some scraps of thin sheet like cut into uniform shapes with faces on them - well i cant eat it though - but now i can exchange it for food. A stupid barrier i feel between me and the food which grew and was there to be eaten.

I travel miles everyday - in order to get these scraps - for convenience we will call them duffs - to travel that distance i use vehicles - these things through out a lot of disgusting stuff everywhere around me. But then to drive them i need flat spaces as they cannot be used on natural places - so i cover the earth with a thick black sheet preventing the soil beneath from ever receiving the sunlight - and destroying the complete life cycle of the life underneath.
Well i dont see it - so why should i care?? Its justified - 'I' need it.

There is another queer thing i use all through my existence - its a form of energy i have come to be so dependent on now that i cannot imagine a life without it. Dependence is the key to the survival of the ecosystem - but it has to be a cycle. So i was talking about this energy i use all day long in almost everything i do - but to get it - build huge huge walls which stop the natural flow of water, destroys the soil cycle - submerges forests - weakens the earth structures and in other place i burn stuff, a lots lots of it , causing unprecedented levels of hazardous substances into the environment- hey but its justified - 'I' need it.

Coming back to the duffs - these have come to play a major role in my life - though despise the institution they have created - but i am bound by it - all , absolutely all decisions i have to make in my life revolve around it - why the hell..... i hate it for that - first of all it was never there in the first place - somewhere back in time i created it myself (for reasons unjustifiable to me). And now i am a slave of it - something that was never required in the first place. Wars are fought - people cheat - lie - kill - forgets themselves - disregards other's feelings for this - and but at the end of the day - its justified - because - 'I' need it.

Nature had created everything for us that was (actually) needed. But we desired more more more more - most of the things we say we need are extra desires. And we are ready to pay any price for it. Even if it means to make earth uninhabitable - hey but its justified - 'I' need it.

PS :- yes there are those trying to change things - and i am with them with all my efforts - but the average levels of ego and attention to one self rather than the bigger picture it too glaring and rampant. Lets make a difference in the capacity we can. And we often underestimate our capacity.

I want the tree in my courtyard to be happy that i live around it. :)

And he still wanted the pie .....

2009-09-11T01:21:00.000-07:00

You just wont stop would you. You always come back at me - again again again and again. But now i have started to enjoy. I am understanding the rules. Trying to score a point if i may try. :) i am gaining ground - real slowly but steadily.
Everytime i have stood up with confidence you threw a harder blow at me. After going through it so many times i know now that i was fighting towards the wrong thing. I learnt it the hard way.
All the while i was trying to protect myself from you - always on the defensive - but i realised no matter what i do - you will get to me. oooh yes ! i know you have ways to do that. So instead i am starting to enjoy this funny thing going on between us. This duel maybe but actually now it is more of fun than a problem.
But now i accept - you will be there throwing all those problems at me and i have to just keep taking them up one at a time. Do the best i can. Thats all.
Success --- Failure :: dont seem to be the point because i succeed or fail you will keep sending them at me. So i am just learning to enjoy the process. And i know one thing for sure - there is no better way than to fight with all my might. And man it does feel good to do it....
'Life' i have found a comfortable place to be with you now - and i am loving it.
With all the troubles you have to offer - seem insignificant to the joy you give. You will wait for me - To break or smile? - Is entirely my option.

Found IT .......

2009-09-10T01:05:00.000-07:00

Been searching for it for a long time now.
It has made all of what i am.
It gives me the power to do what i do.
It has made everything that has happened in my life possible.
It made me happy.
It made me sad.
It gave me pleasure.
It hurt me bad.
It was always there with my good and the bad.
Maybe it was waiting for me to find it....
Maybe .... but it made no efforts ... it was only I who was searching.

With hazy vision.... unable to see clearly through the thick fog that was always surrounding me.
The light i could see but the source was hidden.
But i moved ahead in the direction i thought was best.
Bumped into a dead end ..... dissappointed.
Dont know why but needlessly waited there for a long time.
WHY???
Then just took another direction - knowing i was moving towards it - one wrong option was eliminated now ....
The haze cleared a bit i think - or was it just my own imagination.

In a distance then i could see
just the outline maybe
very much like me.....
My pace quickened - with expectations
though the source still undiscernable.
Every motion towards it made it more difficult to see
The clouds of fog around me thickening
I could have stopped - for i knew not what was to gain from this quest.
I could have stopped - for i knew not why i should go through all this pain.
But nothing made sense till i found it.

The wish for it was the only thing that was guiding me now.
The clouds had decided not to obstruct me now but their remnant remained. Still fogging my vision.
I moved closer to it.
The features were clearer now - the eyes, the legs, the arms, the face ... but still hazy.
I reached out to it and in the flash of the moment it also moved and reached out to me.
We were moving closer to each other now. Our hands just about to touch now and my hand hit something.
My hand had hit into a mirror - and the 'IT' was 'ME' ..........

PS :- The search for myself continues ...................

We dont fight fair .......

2009-09-08T01:13:00.000-07:00

"Praise the lord" - really ..??????
Heard this thing too many times too many places. Before you make up you mind - no i am not athiest. I am pure thiest. But that is not the point of discussion i would like to bring up at this moment.

For those athiest who are reading - would you please atleast for the sake of the argument present here - take my word for it and believe there is this huge omnipresent power that controls all that is happening in the universe.

Now that all those reading agree that god is there. Does any one seriously think that the power that controls the whole universe wants to hear its own praise - considering that the power is beyond most of the human ken and that there is no doubt that there must be higher echelons of perception which the human brains cannot comprehend. In short - GOD IS NOT SO SELF INVOLVED TO GET HAPPY WHEN YOU SING ITS GLORY.

That is just a human tendency - to find pleasure in selfish motives.

This is one reason i never say - 'God is great'. Though i believe in it - but there is no means that i will please it by reminding it that. Flattery wont work on that power :P.

Am i against devotion - No again no - i fully accept that singing hymns - verses - shlokas - performing rituals is a great way for expression of devotion. What i am against is the thought that god will be happier (on me or in general) when i do those things.

The same goes to a lot of other things which we do in expectation to please that power. Ulteriorly so that it solves our problems ............... WONT WORK.

PS :- Used god as a neutral gender - couldnt make up he or she - nevertheless i believe it is beyond those distinctions.

Blog to blog

2009-09-02T04:01:00.000-07:00

Disclaimer : Apologies to 'vaidehipatil' from whose blog the original picture has been taken...
http://vaidehipatil.wordpress.com/2009/09/01/maximus/

For now ....

2009-08-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

Trying hard to write
But unable to express my thought
Blank it seems the head is
Although it thinks a lot
Tried to write an article
Just the other day
Wrote a page,CTRL-A delete
Didnt come out in the desired way
Tried to write a poem
That day about the blue sky
The thoughts were flowing
But it turned out to be one of my worst try
Loosing sight of thoughts
That come my way
Maybe these are the ones
Just not my day
Whatever it is
It will soon be gone
The inspiration in me
Would again turn on
Till that time this will have to do .......

Shouldnt it be the other way round ... ???

2009-08-17T06:02:00.000-07:00

In the sun he burns
Rs.50 he earns
for the day's food
for which he would
have to feed four
like the day before
He has enough for his might
fill them up half tonight
A dog from the street
comes wagging at his feet
he lets him have a bite
"A good deed tonight"
hungry stomach inspite .........

----------------XXXXXX-------------

I earn 25K
sit in AC all day
but if a dog comes my way
i shoo it away ........

PS : have you observed that the poor though they get so little donot let pass the opportunity to do simple good things. I have observed this many times that the labourers donot hesitate to feed the hungry dogs.
Its so funny when i observe in general the more we get the lesser we seem to be ready to give - Shouldnt it be the other way round ?????

Learnt it ..... i hope ... :)

2009-07-26T22:29:00.000-07:00

I learnt to walk, after i felt the fall
Learnt to smile, after a broken thought
Learnt to fight, after facing the defeat
Learnt to wakeup, after having the dream
Learnt to laugh, after the fall of a tear
Learnt to love, when i lost someone near
For all those things that happened
I am glad they taught me ------
I learnt to live, 'BEFORE' i die ......

Humans - the progressive ......

2009-07-23T07:02:00.000-07:00

We truly are a progressive species they say - if growing in numbers is the measure of progression - oh yes WE ARE. If destroying the natural order is - oh yes WE ARE. I just dont understand how can we not see it?

Have you seen the picture of earth from the satellite. Its blue - its green and then there are spots which look like diseased parts - spreading the infection - eating up the resources - moving to next part - and growing without bounds. Had an oncologist heard it - i am sure he couldnt have explained the cancerous tissue growth in our body better.

They grow unabated - We grow unabated
They eat up the resources in the tissue and issue toxins - we do the same
They move to new locations to spread the cancer - we too do that when we find any resource anywhere.

Sorry for sounding so grouse - but then truly i am not sorry for saying that - coz thats the truth. Our cities are build on the graveyards of forests - The rest of the animals are outcasts - as if its not there world too is it. But "why should i care" attitute get the better of us. We cannot go beyond the limits of our 'selves'. Can we give up a little bit of comfort so that the earth breathes a bit easy --- NO. Now where i am - i am trying but just am not able to find my way back - back to nature.

Science has helped a lot - ya thats what we all think (here i am referring to technology) - but in reality its the axis of all problems. If you think it logically --

Life got comfortable/better [in terms of luxuries] with the advents in technology --- This lead to growth in our numbers --- new problems because we surpass the equilibrium level meant for us --- then we search for newer technology that solves existing problems --- in turn making life more comfortable --- that leads to growth in our numbers --- and the cycle continues. Its a sort of circle -- opertional in the long run.

Just for facts - the natural number for us was somewhere in a few lakhs - and that was maintained for a long long time but since the last century we are already in billions. If you imagine its like 1000 people riding on a bicycle meant for at max. 2 . Sure its gonna break down - what are you expecting. But as long as i can eat - sleep - move around - reproduce - 'Why should i care'.

We all would be rejected - just like we have rejected the natural order. But still the earth holds on - still there is chance - but as i can see it - none are ready to embrace it - and do their bits.

No - i am not accusing neither am i blaming anyone - but this is the state of matters that we cannot deny or rather deny at our own peril.

All the best - I will still hope ........ till the end :)

PS - Donot see the anger in the post above - but the viewpoint. Thank you.

Where do you stand?

2009-07-22T23:02:00.000-07:00

Something i read from a book, caught my eyes and thoughts .......

______Dependence on world_______
100 90 80 70 60 50 40 30 20 10 0
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
| | | | | | | | | | | | | | | |
0 10 20 30 40 50 60 70 80 90 100
_____Evolution of a being_______

Where do you stand?
Are you sure you are there?
Kool........ :)

Ping in Blinks

2009-07-14T23:59:00.000-07:00

blink
.......
blink blink
ping :)

blink blink
.......
blink
ping :D

It is so simple to be happy ........

PS - just in case you are wondering what is this - you already know. Must have happened to ya sometime or the other....

The strangest part .......

2009-07-14T02:33:00.000-07:00

Woke up a bit late - sister shouting to get ready for school - the school bus already reached my stop - all i could do was look through the window. But i had to go to school - just had to that day. So took the kinetic to school - and without licence...... but what the hell.

the road to school was long - it was 11 kms out of city limits. And it was my first time - maybe first time for anyone in my class that someone was coming to school by bike. Was i grown up for that - nevertheless i was driving. Two policemen stared at me - of course they knew from the look of my eyes that i didnt have licence - but i sped off on their face.

Then i dont know what happened but i reached chennai and my kinetik was nowhere to be found. But the temple was looking very majestic. Oh yeah i was at a temple - dont start asking me how.

I entered the temple - it was of black stone completely - maybe created out of one huge stone. It was majestic. More funny was that i found my friend, who was supposed to be in another city, there. He was with 3 other friends who had come for a visit to the temple. I went in front of him and sat down and said - '!!!! SURPRISE !#@!!!' . After the customery slandering we were laughing, but then i saw my aunty in the temple and she started asking me when am i getting married...... well it started getting crazier in here.

But that was a short talk and it was time to take a bus back home - hope fully back to where i came from. But i had not taken the ticket and didnt know how to get one. There was huge commotion as the whole crowd in and around the temple wanted to get on the bus.

My friends too had no idea where to get the ticket from and so it was decided the one who finds it will tell the other. And we walked in other directions. And suddenly i saw her - from a distance and it was just a glance, but i could recognise her anywhere.

She had not seen me, good, i liked to give surprises. So trying not to show my face i moved towards her. Tickets - oh yeah - it was completely out of my mind the moment i saw her. She was with her friends probably - but that was 'moo' condition for me. I crossed her in a swift move and said when my mouth was closest to her ear - 'dingdong'.

And turned around after walking a few more step .

"Hey i didnt mean to hit your toe, that was an accident"

She was speechless, just looking at me. Wasnt saying anything. I was expecting something ...........

Then suddenly the ground began to shake and i found out that the temple was on a cliff and the whole cliff was shaking as if there was an earthquake. And the buses had already started sliding in random direction and one was coming towards me....

I was on the cliff now , hanging on the edge and the bus moving towards me .......... and then BLANK.................
....................
.....................
......................
........................
..........................
............................
.............................
.................................
.....................................
............................................
..................................................
Again i could see, i was still hanging by the cliff. The earthquake had stopped. I saw my friend standing on one of the ledge and saying - "yyeeaaaa ben, jump here you will be alright".
I pulled myself up - the ground level was distorted, the buses were all gone. A few people were present there. I saw her too there. This time those eyes were happy ....... very happy.
We ran towards each other and hugged....... ZZZZZZZZAapppppppp ........

"OYE!! office nahi jana hai kya aaj" - (Oye!! Dont you have to go to office today"
It took me a while to come back to earth.

beep beep grrrrrr grrrrrrr

[Recieved SMS]
"I Love You dear" ...........

Now that was the strangest part of it all........ :)

The Sand .....

2009-07-13T08:04:00.000-07:00

The sand
was slithering off my hand
wishing to keep it
i held it tight
but that didnt stop the sand
it kept slipping
my nails digging
i was in pain
coz i wanted to gain
but that didnt stop the sand
i let it flow
the sand that wanted to go
my fist unclenched
but then it stayed
the excess was greed
that i did not need
what i deserved
on my hand was served

Summation

2009-06-30T02:42:00.000-07:00

The rise ......
The fall ......
It sums it all ....

the ------ship that he made, set it sails

2009-06-25T01:09:00.000-07:00

Some thought maybe or the situation
made him start building the ship -
The one he thought will travel
all the seven seas
Happy he was to start
Looking forward to all
Pleasant was the feel
that he enjoyed while doing this
Problems with their ways
came to him with surprise
He could have given up
but he chose to stick and fight
Never regretted the decision
He kept building it.....
The day then came -the ship at the docks
was ready to sail and go away
He was happy at the departure
for it was inevitable for the ship to leave
He was proud of what he made
and knew it was going away
but though so much close
he waved as it left the docks
it moved slowly at first, then fast
He watched it as it reached the horizon
He climbed the nearest tree to see it a bit longer
The image in his eyes never going to fade
the time he spent making it will never go in vain
The ship will brook the test of time and the seas
Happy or sad he could not tell
as he saw the ship going away away away ........

Its just the distance NOTHING else ....... :)
And everytime the ship will sail
He will be proud to have made it.

From the other side

2009-06-24T21:11:00.000-07:00

'Mom is what the doctors say true?'

Voice a bit weak and hesitant - 'What did you hear dear?'

'I heard you talking to them about daddy........' - with an anxious look that could burst into tears or happiness anytime now.

'No baby nothing is going to happen to daddy' - a bit more composed but the lie was evident.

With trembling voice this time - 'You are lying i know daddy is going to be born' - bursting into tears - 'i know what i heard'.

Seeing no point to hide anymore - tears start rolling.

'Its nothing dear, all those who die have to get born again - thats the rule of the universe. I knew this could happen someday - but didnt expect so early'

'Cant he be dead for some more time. Why is god doing this?'

--------------------------xxxxx-------------------------

with anxiety - waiting out | with anxiety - waiting out
of the hospital room wait- | of the hospital room wait-
ing for the result ------- | ing for the result -------

'I am sorry Ma'm, we tried | 'Congradulations Sir , you
all we could but we couldnt| have become a father......'
save your husband........' |

--------------------------xxxxx-------------------------

It doesnt end where you think it does .............. it is just another beginning :)

Asa Nisi Masa

2009-06-22T07:29:00.000-07:00

"hello ma'm, i am Rajesh Shrivastav speaking. My employee number is 0960, i just wanted to point out that in your records my manager is Mr.Jacob D'souza but i have been working under Mr.Ram Mohan for the last 3 months, could you please update your records."

"Are you alright Mr.Rajesh?"

"Why do you ask that??"

"There is no person named Mr.Ram Mohan in the company who could be your manager......... are you sure you are talking about the right person."

"Ma'm i am quite sure, he sits on the second floor room number #210. I have been having regular meetings and was working with him all this time."

"Mr.Rajesh if this is any kind of joke, then let me tell you that it is not being appreciated at all, you should not be playing around in the professional environment. There is no roon #210 on the second floor. Please take care that such things are not repeated. Thank you" -- click ..... beep beep beep beep beep .......

(Whats happening with me?)

Rajesh gets up from his seat - without any thoughts moves toward the room #210 on the second floor where he used to meet with Mr.Ram Mohan. Something was different today for him. Things were just not the same. The place looked different - though it was never that he had taken time to observe it - he was a workaholic - concerned with nothing more than work. Work is Worship was true for Rajesh and he was very pious at that.

The conversation was being rerun in his head all the while - (Are you alright Mr.Rajesh........... kind of joke ....... not be playing around ..........).

The room was around the next corner. He was getting anxious, but confidant that there was some mistake - maybe someone was playing a prank on him. He was damn sure about Mr.Ram. They had talked so much - about the work and the details he discussed with him - he used to report to him. And now what he was hearing was not at all making any sense to him. He turned around the corner to see the door there, without any hesitation he opened it.

It was just the same as it always was - more importantly it was there. The chair the desk he took the chair there and waited for Mr.Ram.

This gave him time to think back, still confused with the incident that had just happened with him - he was still not completely out of it. He couldnt come up with possible reasons why someone would say something like this to him. He just concluded the lady to be a complete gone case - that was the only thing that relieved him from the anxiety.

He heard footsteps from a distance. He waited for them to come closer. He was hoping it was Mr.Ram. The door clicked open - and a middle aged man walked into the room.

Rajesh was relieved to see him. A deep breath was released from him. Rajesh didnt speak anything - the man simply entered the room and walked to the window nearby. Waited for a while there and then turned, smiled and spoke -

"So how are we doing today Mr.Rohit?" ............

Found you there :)

2009-06-18T00:54:00.000-07:00

The eyes got brighter
The load a bit lighter
The way ahead of me
seemed not that long
when random thoughts
in my mind found you there :)

The smile got broader
The brain a bit smarter
The day ahead of me
seemed not that bad
when random dreams
in my mind found you there :)

The heart got calmer
The pain a bit sublimer
The work ahead of me
seemed not that hard
when random feelings
in my mind found you there :)

The life got better
and me a bit happier
The life ahead of me
seemed only good
when random visions
in my mind found you there :)

I wonder ......

2009-06-16T01:12:00.000-07:00

Is there anything good - is there anything bad
i wonder
Looking at the maze of life
Knowing not where to go
I see hurt and 'I' dont want it - so i call it bad
I see joy and 'I' want it - so i call it good
The doe was killed - a cub was fed
The doe was killed - a calf left alone
'Bad' is not bad - its part of life
'Good' is not good - its just another way
They both make the whole of what we call life
There is not any complication from where i see it
Coz it all is just what you do - and what i do
I Think - I act : You think - you act [FULL STOP]

The itsu theory

2009-05-29T11:54:00.000-07:00

The world is conspiring but waiting for you to turn in your coin so that they may proceed with their plan to ----- to do what? thats up to you to decide.

I decide i will be happy - who stopped me - nothing but me only - and when i didnt - i saw the universe was waiting for me to smile - just i was waiting for - god knows what.

I was sad that day - the world was the enemy - the chat with even my dear sister was turning ugly - for what reason - i was sad - was i sad -

I am sad - the 'I' in that intrigues me so much that i cannot separate it from the sentence - it is the 'I' and not me that is sad - why should i be sad when i dont want to be that way - but the 'I' wants to be happy wants to be sad.

So how long am i gonna line on the whims of that 'I' - i dont want to - the world is a better place with a happier me - people are a bit better (even if it is just a perception - thats what creates my world) when i am too .

So lets just be happy - why - you ask me. Why not i ask you? In the end analysis you will close your eyes - and so will i - nothing will be left - just illusions kept by those numerous 'I's around you. What will matter is not what you made out of yourself - but what you left to the world - i am gonna leave smiles - as many as possible - as clean as possible - as innocent as possible - i strive for that. :)

Its the whole universe - waiting for your response - so what is it gonna be?

The rediscovery :D

2009-05-14T04:41:00.000-07:00

All these days - how did i not think of doing this. It is so great. The experience is just too good. Too exciting. Man i wasted so many days.

But today it just happened - i heard songs while working. WOW ....

MUSIC IS GOD ........ man what a feeling.

I was transformed into a new world where there was so much fun - no botheration of what was happening around me. Just the beats of the song and the tapping of my computer keys - Brain working at twice the speed and fingers typing at a phenominal speed. Wowwwww .......

And then i left my place i was humming the tune - bouncing as i go - was there anything that i could not accomplish in that state. I was on the high.

Only thing i got to say - MUSIC IS GOOD. MUSIC IS GOD.

TTP

2009-05-12T00:57:00.000-07:00

Please read this as a 1st standard hindi poem.

Chota tha tab mota tha
raat ko uthkey rota tha
mummy uthkey mujey sulati
aisa har din hota tha

thoda bada hua to school gaya
raaton mein uthna bhool gaya
teacher jab dekho chillati
aisa har din kaam kiya

ghar sey aya padhney ka jor
bola to mainey machaya shor
tution teacher roz padhati
har din karkey ho gaya bor

phir ayi college ki bari
padhai jaisey khatam ho gayi sari
girlfriend call kar mujhey bulati
har din hoti batey pyari

Hostel life to rocking thi
dosto key saath shocking thi
padhai jab kab yaad aati
wo exam key pehley ki mugging thi

iskey baad job karney laga
paisey key peechey bhagne laga
company itna kaam karati
masti maza bhulney laga

mummy ney phir karwa di shaadi
chin gayi bachi kuchi azaadi
biwi hardin mujhsey jhagadati
lagta ho gai barbaadi

dekhtey dekhtey ho gaye saal
sir par kuch bachey nahi baal
zindagi tab bhi khel dikhati
hardin sunati naya taal

Nobody cares if you cant dance well. Just get up and dance.

2009-05-07T22:28:00.000-07:00

Just a thought

2009-05-07T21:22:00.000-07:00

Statement1 : GOOD and BAD are two sides of the same coin
Statement2 : A coin with both sides the same is unfair/cheating.

ITS OVER NOW ....

2009-05-05T23:31:00.000-07:00

The king of the land
His treasure so grand
command over the forces
in glory he rejoices
leads his home
to glory untold
but somewhere on the way
without any say
they came to his court
with pomp and show
he liked them though
his minister advised
beware of them oh king
but the king was already blind
He could not see that they
were taking all away
his power and glory
had began to sway
out of his control
was going his regions
but he was enjoying
their magic and illusions
he grew weak to their call
his strength began to fall
his kingdom was now suffering
which was once heaven for all
but a quit voice in his court
did never left his side
it asked to king to return
but failed all that it tried
the king that once was supreme
was now on his knees
for trusting the wrong ones
he was paying the fees
but he was the king
none the less
with him all the power
and all the prowess
with strength in him
to undo it all
to take back the control
and not to fall
all he needs is to know this truth
that he is king and he is the one
.
.
.
.
the voice waits to be heard
the voice waits to be heard
the voice waits to be heard
it waits for the lost glory
it waits for a new story
it waits to see the light
it waits to see all the right
it waits coz it knows
which way the tide flows
it smiles at those who made it fall
and says - "ITS OVER NOW"

10 steps from the edge .....

2009-04-29T07:07:00.000-07:00

yesterday
i saw a man with closed eyes
who said he wanted to see
he said he wanted to go north
and staunchly started walking south.

the wind blew to stop him
the earth blocked the way
the rains told him to change
the sun burned his day

With eyes tightly closed
he claimed to be right
and that he was heading the right way
albiet without sight

If only he could read the signs
if only he would open his eyes
if only he accepts .........
coz the cliff ends after his next 10 steps

will he open his eyes and turn the right way????

Smiling moments .... :)

2009-04-21T03:30:00.000-07:00

me: Speedometer dekh ...
rr: abey dhakkan
rr: it is not spedometer
rr: it is bhp
rr: power ka meter hai
rr: that car is 1000 BHP!!!!!
rr: ur pulsar is 15 BHP :)
me: :( tereko lekey deney wala tha
me: ja
me: ab nahi dunga
me: bas photo sey khush reh
rr: hee hee
rr: re re

To make any sense we are talking about this : BUGATTI VEYRON

1:20 ..... i guess thats only fair

2009-04-16T00:53:00.000-07:00

One dog bit a child : 20 dogs were killed
Next time someone hurts me : I am going to kill each of his family members.
Why? isnt it the way of the HUMAN.
To first defeat, cheat, destroy, banish, displace -
and if they hurt you - then kill them - so simple.

Whose home is it anyway?.......... ONLY MINE.

IRONICALLY : The only creature which can think - refuses to do it.

Well fine :) they say they just reclaimed new areas in HELL. So there is no longer the space issue.

Hardly any difference ......

2009-04-15T01:44:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the bad resolution : thats the best you can get for free
And also for the poor visual effects : i am not that much of an artist after all
If you can see any difference ...... please tell me